Wednesday, July 27, 2005

Do You Have What It Takes?

That’s Going too Far! recently intercepted this document being sent from the Republican National Committee to state Republican headquarters. Aspiring Republican political candidates must fill out the form and return it to the committee chairs. It is apparently a screening device used by statewide Republican officials to determine if they will offer their endorsement of a candidate.

Dear,

We truly appreciate your desire to serve your country through political office. America needs more men and women like you who will step up to the plate and provide conservative leadership at all levels of government. Please help us better understand who you are and what positions you will take on certain issues by completing this questionnaire. This form must be filled out and returned before we will consider an endorsement. God bless America.

1.I am: (check all that apply)
Pro-Life
Anti-gay
Christian
Not a felon (I’m pretty sure)
Groomed and neat
FOX News enthusiast
Gun owner
Considered strange by my neighbors
A Limbaugh Ditto Head
Wearing leather underwear
A tax cutting son-of-a-bitch

2.Please rank the following issues in order of importance to you.
Iraq
Economy
Worldwide terrorism
Nuclear proliferation
The decline of morality in America
Getting a Dunkin’ Donuts on Main Street
Abortion
Keeping every damn thing that is mine
Immigration
America’s image in the world and how to make it worse
Paris Hilton
Taxes

3.Complete this sentence. “I believe we were justified in invading Iraq because________.
The President said we needed to. That’s good enough for me.
We found WMDs in Saddam’s basement. The government just hasn’t made that public.
Baghdad Bob was simply too annoying to tolerate.
We freed the Iraqis from a dictator.
If we didn’t fight them in Iraq, we’d be fighting them at Jay’s Gas n’ Go
Iran might have fought back.

4.Because you are on a mission from God as a Republican candidate, it is sometimes okay to...(check those that apply)
Lie
Cheat
Steal
Have sex in public
Mug the middle class
Drive a Mercedes
Make racist and sexist comments
Set aside your personal convictions for the good of the party

5.Please choose your favorite movie from this list:
Patton
Passion of the Christ
Mortal Kombat III
The Crying Game
Dawn of the Dead
Mr. Smith Goes to Washington
The Green Berets (or anything else with John Wayne)
Bambi
When Cheerleaders Go Wild
Ghandi

6.Your constituents are overwhelming in favor of keeping abortion legal. Your response is:
Shut up
It was a flawed poll
I have a mandate....
Polls can tell you whatever you want to hear
Sorry, I’m late for an appointment.

7.The RNC issues talking points with which you disagree. What do you do?
Use them anyway
Say what I really feel about the issue
Get drunk
Wipe my ass with them
Change the subject

8.If you are elected to public office, what will be your first act?
Flip off my Democratic opponent
Get drunk
Thank all of my loyal supporters and contributors
Measure my new office
Divorce my spouse

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