President, Heal Thyself

The President’s most recent bicycle accident is only the latest in a long line of minor physical traumas involving Bush and his immediate surroundings. Most of the President’s accidents have been kept from the public eye, but That’s Going Too Far! has obtained copies of medical reports kept by Bush’s personal physician. The records reveal that Bush has had numerous close calls and potentially life-threatening medical situations over the past five years. Here are some examples.

5/14/01 – Stuck finger into pencil sharpener again. Minor skin and nail damage. Prosthetic finger will be used until full healing.
7/25/01 – Shot self in left eye with rubber band. Only temporary irritation. Rx eye drops.
11/04/01 – Attempted to head-butt Rumsfeld but missed and hit wall. Localized bruising and swelling on forehead. No symptoms of concussion. Rx Tylenol.
3/15/02 – Bit tongue during speech. Some bleeding and discomfort. Rx Tylenol.
5/20/02 – Stabbed boot with a pitchfork while clearing brush. Slight swelling of small toe, right foot.
12/25/02 – Sliced left wrist while carving turkey during Christmas dinner. Required six stitches.
4/7/03 – Complaints of “visions” or “hallucinations” during nighttime hours. Claims to see dead soldiers pointing at him accusingly. Rx mild sedative to help with sleep.
8/17/03 – OD Viagra resulting in two-day erection. Not noticeable so no need for Rx.
10/2/03 – Tipped over desk chair, falling backwards. No signs of trauma.
1/5/04 – Suffered several wasp stings while clearing brush. Rx calomine lotion and rest.
11/2/04 – Attempts to remove listening device after Kerry debate result in short circuit and minor electrical burns to back and shoulders. Rx cortisone ointment.
3/18/05 – Genitals caught in zipper again. Minor irritation and swelling. Advised aide to investigate Velcro closers.
5/2/05 – Accidentally took entire bottle of sedatives while watching evening news. Rushed to WR to have stomach pumped. Bed rest for two days.
6/19/05 – Entire staff drinks bad Kool Aid resulting in stomach cramps and vomiting.