Friday, July 22, 2005

What the hell?

Through a FOIA request, That’s Going Too Far! has obtained a document from the State Department that raises some intriguing, previously unknown issues about Supreme Court nominee John G. Roberts. The document, although highly redacted, appears to be a signed contract between Roberts and Satan.

Carefully picking through the words in the document, analysts suggest that it is a contract involving an exchange of Roberts’ eternal soul for a position on the Supreme Court. If this is in fact, a pact with the Devil, questions arise as to the impact it will have on his nomination hearings.

Legal experts agree that while the document could be damaging from a public relations perspective, there is nothing in legal precedence or the Constitution addressing the issue of demonic intervention. “This is one Jefferson never saw coming,” said Edward Beeglan, a professor and expert on Supreme Court issues at Harvard Law School. “I’m sure there will be some on the Democratic side of the aisle who will make this an issue. But is it enough to sink the nomination? I really don’t think so.”

Asked about this potentially embarrassing aspect of Roberts’ past, Utah Senator Orrin Hatch said it did not have an affect on his support for the nominee. “Roberts is the perfect man for the job. The Democrats are digging up dirt in the futile hope that they can hurt his chances for appointment. Believe me, there is no loss of faith in Roberts among Republicans.”

Despite his uneasiness with the current revelation, Democratic Senator Joseph Biden of Delaware seemed resigned to Roberts’ eventually sitting on the High Court. “Making a deal with the Devil does not display the highest ethical and moral standards I would expect of a Supreme Court Justice, but his stellar qualifications and legal acumen will, I think, carry the day.”

Not all Democrats were as reconciled as Biden. On the Capital steps, California Senator Barbara Boxer held up a large cross to reporters. “A deal with the Devil? Okay, let’s see what happens when I put this on his forehead. All bets are off when he starts speaking Latin backwards.”

Despite the rhetoric, Washington insiders consider the Roberts’ nomination a done deal.

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