Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Romney Issues Treats Only For Those Who Sign Pledge

CLEVELAND, OHIO – The Romney’s are preparing for Halloween with candy and a document they call The Parent’s Pledge. According to an anonymous campaign spokesperson, the Romney’s will pass out candy only to Trick or Treaters who sign the pledge promising that their parent’s will vote for the Republican presidential candidate.

“Children have to learn early that there are certain responsibilities related to receiving treats,” said the spokesperson. “Mr. Romney does not believe that children should expect a handout simply because it’s Halloween. Signing the pledge is an incentive, the kids earn their reward, and we believe that this approach results in more responsible Trick or Treaters.”

A new ad scheduled to appear in swing states today is already being assailed by Democrats as false and misleading. The ad shows Trick or Treaters ringing the doorbell of the White House. A man resembling President Obama answers the door and hands out candy bars that are clearly embedded with nails, razors and glass shards. As the children leave, the Obama stand in is seen laughing maniacally in the doorway.

In response to the Democrat’s complaint, the Romney campaign insisted this was based on eyewitness accounts of Halloween’s from the previous three years, although they would not provide any affidavits or documentation related to this charge. “It’s common knowledge in DC,” said the Romney spokesperson, referring reporters to a recent Rush Limbaugh radio show segment for further details.

Monday, October 29, 2012

Trump: Frankenstorm is Obama Creation

A BUNKER IN THE HAMPTONS - At a news conference held this morning, Donald Trump claimed to have incontrovertible proof that the Obama administration was responsible for the mega-storm now pummeling the East Coast of the United States.

“This is a calculated dirty trick by the President’s campaign to try and make Obama look “presidential” during a crisis,” said Trump. “Tomorrow at 1:00 p.m. I will produce hard evidence that members of the Obama team seeded a relatively mild Atlantic hurricane with scientifically altered pellets to intensify the magnitude of the storm.”

Asked why he could not produce the evidence now, Trump responded with a sneer. “I’m not playing the “gotcha” game, okay? Right now, I’m having the best scientists in the world analyze the seeds. Tomorrow I’ll have their report. Oh yeah. Weren’t ready for that one, were you?”

Trump became visibly agitated when two of the three reporters covering the news conference left the event early. “Get back here,” he shouted. “I paid you to sit and listen, Goddamn it.”

Following the news conference, Trump’s claims were discussed on several FOX News programs, with Bill O’Reilly claiming that Trump’s credibility alone should be enough to lead to a Congressional investigation. “No one can dispute’s Donald’s veracity and dedication to the truth. If he says he has proof of a conspiracy, that’s good enough for me.”

Thursday, October 18, 2012

Mainstream Myopia

The mainstream news media’s critique of the presidential debates is a lot like hiring a fashion designer to judge a prizefight. Points go to the trendiest trunks, best hair and most chiseled abs, not to the person who lands the most punches.

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Making shit up

Political campaigning in 2012:

Paul Ryan’s team bullied their way into the Mahoning County, Ohio St. Vincent De Paul Society without permission. Ryan then tied aprons on himself and his family and proceeded to wash two pans that were already clean while cameras clicked and video ran. Five minutes later everyone left.

Now that's integrity in action.

Friday, October 12, 2012

What the hell?

Rejected by the Church of Satan. What could be more humiliating than that? Was this guy too good?

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Reality vs. the Bottom Line

Writing for Media Matters today, Simon Maloy skewers conservative pundits for creating a fictional Obama “…who has governed as a left-wing ideologue while shutting out the GOP from the political process.” This is certainly not a new meme, as Fox News and its surrogates have been promulgating this ridiculous, but effective, characterization since Obama was sworn into office almost four years ago.

The question is, why does this outrageous lie seem so plausible to a large slice of the voting public? It is not based on anything close to reality. Obama’s record as President reflects that of a very moderate, centrist Democrat, far closer to the middle of the political spectrum than many in his own party. On defense, one could argue that he’s as hawkish as Bush, as we continue our involvement in wars and offensive military actions in hot spots around the world. As for shutting out the GOP, nothing could farther from the truth. As details have emerged from the 2011 budget talks, it’s clear that Obama was willing to trade his Democratic soul to Republicans for a deal, but even that wasn’t enough for the ideological puppets of the Tea Party.

From my perspective, the culprit is the mainstream press. The pattern is consistent and predictable: Far-Right haters from FOX News and other sources catapult a lie about Obama and it begins to make the rounds of the conservative noise machine—talk radio, blogs, online zines. Then it seeps into the editorial pages of mainstream papers thanks to people like David Brooks, Thomas Sowell and George Will. Before you can say Rupert Murdoch, it’s being discussed on Sunday news programs and morning talk shows, bringing it finally into the realm of “real” political discourse.

What doesn’t happen is this: A point-by-point take down of the lie by those in a position to do so in the mainstream press. I’m not talking about The New Yorker or an occasional PBS program. I’m talking about the network news programs, USA Today, CNN, and local news programs — the points along the spectrum where most people get their news. Why? News in America is a business, and like any other business, the bottom line is profit. You can’t run a profitable news business if you piss off large numbers of viewers or readers. Hence, if the truth has a liberal bias, bye-bye truth. Who needs government censorship when the market place does the work for you?

Despite the fact that Obama has shown himself to be very sympathetic to the desires of corporate American, the 1% like Romney better, and their concerns are reflected in the ongoing demonization of the President as a crazed leftist bent on turning American into a socialist utopia. When reality bumps up against the bottom line, there’s only going to be one winner.

Monday, October 08, 2012

Crazy Shit Republicans Say, Part II

“The maintenance of civil order in society rests on the foundation of family discipline. Therefore, a child who disrespects his parents must be permanently removed from society in a way that gives an example to all other children of the importance of respect for parents. The death penalty for rebellious children is not something to be taken lightly. The guidelines for administering the death penalty to rebellious children are given in Deut 21:18-21.”
- from “God’s Law,” written by Republican candidate for the Arkansas House of Representatives Charlie Fuqua (He also wants to expel all Muslims from the U.S.)

“All that stuff I was taught about evolution and embryology and the Big Bang Theory, all that is lies straight from the pit of Hell. And it's lies to try to keep me and all the folks who were taught that from understanding that they need a savior."

You see, there are a lot of scientific data that I've found out as a scientist that actually show that this is really a young Earth. I don't believe that the Earth's but about 9,000 years old. I believe it was created in six days as we know them. That's what the Bible says.”
Republican Congressman Paul Broun, member of the House Science Committee.

“I like PBS, I love Big Bird. Actually like you, too, but I'm not going to keep on spending money on things to borrow money from China to pay for. I'm sorry, Jim, I'm going to stop the subsidy to PBS.”
Mitt Romney to Jim Leher at the first presidential debate.

“The institution of slavery that the black race has long believed to be an abomination upon its people may actually have been a blessing in disguise." He also believes that African-Americans were better off than they would have been had they not been captured and shipped to the United States.
Republican State Representative Jon Hubbard, Arkansas

Thursday, October 04, 2012


President Obama debated Henry F. Potter last night...

...and Lost!

Monday, October 01, 2012

Debate This!

The presidential debates are coming up. There will be the usual dry questions about the economy, national defense, Wall Street, blah, blah, blah. Answers will be stilted, overly general and thoroughly unremarkable. We will learn virtually nothing about the candidates that we didn’t already know.

I would like to change the debate dynamics, and I offer a number of scientifically created questions guaranteed to shake things up and result in candid and revealing answers. You can bet the farm that neither candidate will have a prepared answer for any of these questions.

So, Mr. Romney, Mr. Obama, please provide answers to the following questions.

·      Boxers, briefs or a thong?

·      Who would win in a bar fight between Lindsey Lohan and Justine Beiber?

·      Unicorns: Yes or No?

·      If you were President of the United States…oh wait. One of you is that. Never mind.

·      A train leaves Cleveland at three o’clock. A second train leaves Cincinnati at three thirty. They are on the same track. How long will it take before FOX News runs the video of the wreck and subsequent carnage?

·      My first order of business as the newly elected President will be to:
o   Install garden gnomes on the White House grounds.
o   Give myself a raise.
o   Go to Disney World.
o   Fap in the Oval Office.
o   Meet with the aliens we have hidden under an air force base in Ohio.
o   Start a war with Albania.
o   Text all of my loser high school friends and tell them they are on a watch list.

·      Who would be your first choice for a National Medal of Honor?
o   Pamela Anderson
o   Flavor Flav
o   Charles Manson
o   Danny Bonaduce
o   Maggie Simpson

·      Chevy or Ford?
·      Favorite porn star?
·      Deal or no deal?
·      If you were ordering your last meal, what would it be?
o   Cheerios and a hot dog
o   A bag of White Castle sliders
o   Beef Jerky smothered in gravy
o   Ramon noodles
o   Pop Tarts