The presidential debates are coming up. There will be the usual dry questions about the economy, national defense, Wall Street, blah, blah, blah. Answers will be stilted, overly general and thoroughly unremarkable. We will learn virtually nothing about the candidates that we didn’t already know.
I would like to change the debate dynamics, and I offer a number of scientifically created questions guaranteed to shake things up and result in candid and revealing answers. You can bet the farm that neither candidate will have a prepared answer for any of these questions.
So, Mr. Romney, Mr. Obama, please provide answers to the following questions.
· Boxers, briefs or a thong?
· Who would win in a bar fight between Lindsey Lohan and Justine Beiber?
· Unicorns: Yes or No?
· If you were President of the United States…oh wait. One of you is that. Never mind.
· A train leaves Cleveland at three o’clock. A second train leaves Cincinnati at three thirty. They are on the same track. How long will it take before FOX News runs the video of the wreck and subsequent carnage?
· My first order of business as the newly elected President will be to:
o Install garden gnomes on the White House grounds.
o Give myself a raise.
o Go to Disney World.
o Fap in the Oval Office.
o Meet with the aliens we have hidden under an air force base in Ohio.
o Start a war with Albania.
o Text all of my loser high school friends and tell them they are on a watch list.
· Who would be your first choice for a National Medal of Honor?
o Pamela Anderson
o Flavor Flav
o Charles Manson
o Danny Bonaduce
o Maggie Simpson
· Chevy or Ford?
· Favorite porn star?
· Deal or no deal?
· If you were ordering your last meal, what would it be?
o Cheerios and a hot dog
o A bag of White Castle sliders
o Beef Jerky smothered in gravy
o Ramon noodles
o Pop Tarts