Saturday, June 27, 2009

Michele Bachmann has given me a reason to go on

During the Great Depression, our grandparents would find a brief respite from their difficult circumstances by reading the Sunday comics. The adventures of Superman, Buck Rogers, Krazy Kat, Popeye, Dick Tracy, and Little Orphan Annie helped people enjoy some humor in life and a bit of escapism from the hard times of the day.

With a few exceptions, today’s Sunday comics are neither comical nor engaging, so those of us struggling through the latest economic disaster to befall this country have to look elsewhere for cheap thrills.

I’ve found my Krazy Kat in Michele Bachmann. While routinely scanning news headlines on my favorite political sites, my heart races with anticipation every time the name “Bachmann” pops up in 14 pt. type. I know I can count on the story beneath that headline to rock my world.

Ooops, she did it again. Michele has been announcing to anyone who will listen, and don’t ask me why anyone would except those of us who need our daily giggles, that she’s not going to fill out all of her 2010 Census form. From the woman who knows more about climatology than all the world’s experts combined, we learn that the Census can somehow be linked to internment camps and other nefarious government plots to shackle and silence all real Americans…especially the lunatics.

Oddly, Bachmann didn’t raise these dire concerns several years ago when the Bush Cartel was asking Congress to let it wiretap and open the email every American with a pulse. That was Bush. Obama, the shape-shifting demon raised by terrorists in a secret laboratory in the mountains of Afghanistan in order to bring America to its knees from inside the Oval Office, is a different story.

I was appalled when Minnesotans of the sixth district reelected Bachmann back in 2008, but I have a very different perspective on the whole affair now. She’s funnier than any Sunday comic (with the exception of Dilbert) and her every insane utterance is the stuff of which legends are made. Michele has given me reason to get out of bed every morning.

You go, crazy girl.

Monday, June 22, 2009

Officers jump ship as the U.S.S Coleman continues to sink

LAKE MINNETONKA, MN – Although the captain and crew of the scow U.S.S Coleman have been bailing water for months, it now appears that even the ship’s highest-ranking officers realize their efforts are for naught. The ships fate at the hands of the icy blue waters of Lake Minnetonka is now almost assured.

Chief Communications Officer LeRoy Coleman (no relationship to the captain) rowed one of the remaining lifeboats ashore to join the Republican National Committee as director of media affairs. Only two weeks before, First Mate Cullen Sheehan abandoned her post on the Coleman to sign on as a RNC regional director.

The captain himself, never flagging in his belief that the ship could be made seaworthy again, has been seen sneaking ashore in the evenings to moonlight as a consultant with the Republican Jewish Coalition.

Over a pint of ale at the Cock and Crow, a former crewman on the Coleman confessed that the whole rescue attempt was a lost cause from the beginning.

“Ah Sir, we all knew there was very little hope in saving the old gal, sad as that be, and as time went on, it were clear the damage was too great to keep her afloat. But the Cap’n wouldn’t let go, and he was gettin’ orders from the shipping company bigwigs out East to try and save the old heap at all costs. There was no talkin’ sense to the man, I tell ya, and he’d walk the deck clicking those metal balls in his hand all night until you thought you was goin’ mad. Mad I sez.”

Some predict the U.S.S. Coleman will completely submerge and sink to its watery grave as early as this week.

Sunday, June 07, 2009

The Comedy Event of the Year: Dick Cheney's “Save My Ass” tour

HOLLYWOOD, CA — Dick Cheney, one of the funniest comedians to come out Washington, D.C. in years, announced the start of his national comedy tour, “Save My Ass.” Dick will bring his bizarre take on life and famous deadpan delivery to comedy clubs and newsrooms across America.

The publicist for the tour promises Dick will deliver many of his most famous routines plus new material that will leave audiences in a state of unyielding laughter.

“One of the new routines that people haven’t heard before relates to the bankruptcy of GM,” notes the press release. “Dick admits the Bush administration deliberately decided to pass the buck on GM and let President Obama deal with the problem. It’s timely, and too, too funny.”

The publicist also reveals another new bit called, “Blame the Other Dick.” With his patented sneer, Dick puts the blame for 9/11 squarely on the shoulders of Dick Clarke, the head of counterterrorism programs under Clinton and Bush. The set up begins with the former VP saying, “Clarke missed it when it came to foreseeing 9/11.” Then Dick brings down the house by reciting the titles of e-mails Clarke sent to Bush and company prior to 9/11.

“Bin Ladin Public Profile May Presage Attack” (May 3)
“Terrorist Groups Said Co-operating on US Hostage Plot” (May 23)
“Bin Ladin’s Networks’ Plans Advancing” (May 26)
“Bin Ladin Attacks May Be Imminent” (June 23)
“Bin Ladin Planning High-Profile Attacks” (June 30)
“Planning for Bin Ladin Attacks Continues, Despite Delays” (July 2)

The punch line? “The only thing Clarke didn’t do was bring Bin Laden to the Oval Office to discuss the time and date of the event.” Badda bing.

The finale is said to be a comedic coup de grace. After nearly eight years trying to convince the world there was a link between Saddam Hussein and Al-Qaeda despite the evidence, Dick turns the tables on everyone and says, “On the question of whether or not Iraq was involved in 9/11, there was never any evidence to prove that.” There’s nothing this man won’t say or do to get a laugh.

It’s no wonder Dick has earned the moniker, “The hardest working war criminal in show business.”

Tuesday, June 02, 2009

Thanks, Tim, for brightening up everyone’s day

Your local weather report:

Skies over Minnesota brightened today after Tim Pawlenty announced he would not run for a third term as governor. The persistent weather pattern since 2003 of gusty hot air, oppressive ideology, and an intellectual drought will lift next year as the governor vacates his Summit Avenue residence.

Periods of cautious hope will appear in the skies above us, followed by the blustery winds of the campaign season.

The long-range forecast is difficult but early indications are that Minnesotans are looking for the winds of change to sweep across the state bringing with them new, more forward-looking ideas.

There are, however, a few models predicting severe, damaging weather if Hurricane Bachmann or to a slightly lesser degree, Tornado Norm, gather force. The havoc they can wreak has already been felt by Minnesotans who find their state regressing into a period of darkness as a result of stale atmospheric conditions.

In Minnesota, we take our weather one day at a time, and today prospects brightened that there will be a sunnier future for our blue state.