Friday, October 28, 2005

Attack of the Anglo Ayatollahs

I’ve always liked the epithet “American Taliban” to describe the Bush Administration and its national network of religious fanatics. Unfolding events in Washington DC momentarily exposed the dank, wormy side of our homegrown mujahideen for even the most nearsighted citizen to see. The extent of the influence of the zealot class was laid bare in the Miers fiasco. Bush’s Supreme Court nominee Harriet Miers displeased our Anglo Ayatollahs when they could not adequately penetrate her psyche to discern her level of ideological obedience. Ergo, she was swiftly disappeared. The real Taliban could not have operated any more effectively, other than to stone Miers to death on the spot. Bush was warned, and Bush obeyed.

Worried about a theocracy in America? Don’t bother. It already exists. Although pundits are now declaring Bush “weak” and “wounded” as the result of recent events, an animal is at its most dangerous when it is hurt and threatened. Bush is too stupid to know what to do, as his arrogant selection of Miers makes crystal clear, but his Taliban handlers will keep filling his vacant head with God talk and visions of great statues as they parade him around the country from one disaster to the next, shirt sleeves rolled up, smirk and swagger on autopilot, while they slip back behind the curtain and continue dismantling democracy. Despite the mask falling for a moment revealing the underlying scars and boils, the American Taliban will continue owning us as long as Bush is in the White House and the media remains in a coma. Will the current investigations and indictments be the beginning of the end for Bush and his fellow believers? If there is a God, it should be. On the other hand, if there is a God, whose God is it?

Praise Allah. Praise the Lord. What’s the difference?

Monday, October 24, 2005

Krazy Karl

Washington, DC - In an eleventh hour attempt to avoid prosecution on conspiracy and obstruction of justice charges, attorneys for Karl Rove have entered an insanity defense.

At a news conference, Rove’s lead attorney Robert Luskin said, “We believe that Karl Rove is incapable of distinguishing between right and wrong, nor is he able to understand the consequences of his actions. We have had several prominent psychologists interview Mr. Rove, and their general consensus is that he is a sociopath, marked by pathological lying, lack of empathy and an utter failure to take responsibility for his own actions. Mr. Rove is unable to participate in his own defense.”

Reporters asked how someone so utterly divorced from reality could reach such a high level of political power. “For years, Mr. Rove has found himself working exclusively within a small cadre of other sociopaths, which only served to reinforce his deviant behavior. There were no reality checks up to this point.”

Asked whether that included the President of the United States, Luskin refused to comment. He added, “Anyone who is familiar with Mr. Rove’s past cannot help but see a pattern of dishonesty, prevarication and criminal behavior, symptoms of a serious mental disorder.”

When a reporter noted that the insanity defense is rarely successful, Mr. Luskin stated, “In Mr. Rove’s case, we believe that the condition is severe enough that the judge will have no alternative but to rule in our favor. There is no question Mr. Rove suffers from an antisocial mental disorder.”

Asked to comment on this latest tactic from the Rove defense team, the White House responded, “The President continues to maintain complete confidence in Karl Rove and cannot discuss details of an ongoing investigation.”

Monday, October 17, 2005

Next time, it's a dead fish wrapped in newspaper

The following letter from Vice President Cheney to his chief of staff Lewis "Scooter" Libbey was intercepted this weekend by That's Going Too Far! Administration officials deny that this, or Libbey's previous letter to New York Times editor Judith Miller, contains any "code words" or secret messages. However, the experts who have analyzed the letter believe there may in fact be embedded code words intended for Libbey, noting specifically the words in bold face.

Dear Scooter,

As you know, Old Friend, the weather is changing in D.C., and fall approaches. Although the leaves may fall, the trees continue to stand strong, able to weather the trials and tribulations of winter and bloom anew in the spring. That is, if there are no unhappy surprises, such as an infection or blight that might cause harm to root or branch.

We have been associates for many years, Scooter, and I trust this relationship has been as enjoyable for you as it has been for me. I foresee many more abundant autumns working together in the cause of freedom and democracy.

So I recommend you take some time to contemplate the beautiful silence found in a grove of red maples, where you can experience solace and safety in knowing that you served your country and its leaders steadfastly through your loyalty. Embrace the silence, Scooter, or the winter will find us confined to the lonely cell of our hearts.

Yours truly,

Friday, October 07, 2005

The Electorate Speaks

Responses to the question, “Do you believe George Bush should be impeached?” from a transcript of a recent “Man on the Street” segment on a local television station here in Minneapolis.

“What for? Being stupid? We’d have to impeach 2/3 of the government.”
“What does my opinion matter? God put him there and God will protect him.”
“How dare you ask such a question. Wait until Homeland Security hears about this. And they will, young man.”
“I haven’t had a meal in two days.”
“Dude, he should be put in front of a firing squad. And then have his skin slowly peeled off. And then be drawn and quartered. And then...”
“I don’t follow politics. Is he the guy from Texas or the bald, grouchy one?”
“Get that thing outta my face ‘fore I put my hammers upside your head.”
“You’re cute. Wanna have some fun?”
“Did you say ‘incontinent’?”
“Which way is seventh?”
“I’ll tell you if you get on your knees here and now and accept the Lord Jesus Christ as your personal savior.”
“My parakeet thinks the world of him.”
“All I care about is getting my taxes lowered. I don’t care about anything else.”
“I’ve seen them, behind me. They’re riding wild dogs...”
“Impeached? Is that like being embalmed?”
“Sure. Whatever.”

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

The Short List

That’s Going Too Far! has just obtained a copy of the list of finalists (with notes) that Bush was considering for the current Supreme Court vacancy prior to choosing Harriet Miers.

Judge Judy (she’ll keep Scalia on a leash)
Jeb Bush (payback time for 2000)
Barbara Bush (Sr., Jr., whatever)
Sean Hannity (will look good in a robe)
Jessica Simpson (will look good disrobing)
Tom DeLay (soon to be looking for work)
Thomas Mesereau Jr (he got Michael Jackson off. ‘Nuff said)
Harriet Miers (thinks you’re God’s gift to humanity)
Fred Thompson (good actor)
Margaret Thatcher (Iron Lady. Would need to call in some favors from immigration)
Abu Musab al-Zarqawi (at least we’d know where he is)