Tuesday, December 27, 2005

The Resolutions of George Bush

A copy of President Bush’s personal list of New Year’s resolutions was smuggled out of the White House and passed on to That’s Going Too Far! The list was hand written on the back of a liquor store receipt for two quarts of Jose Cuervo Gold tequila.

1. Look into this “Constitution” thing.
2. Learn to locate Iraq on a map.
3. Spend at least one night a week with Laura.
4. Meet with Cheney at least once a month.
5. Beat the last three levels of Star Wars: Battlefront II.
6. Stop eating candy for breakfast.
7. Get a second opinion on nationalizing the press.
8. Update my enemies’ list.
9. Update my pardons list.
10. Visit and evaluate countries willing to provide me with political asylum.
11. Remind self not to take meds immediately before riding a bike or horse.
12. Lie less often but more effectively.
13. Call Mom every Tuesday.
14. Learn to speak in tongues.
15. Wear clean underwear.
16. Initiate End Times with war on China.

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Speaking in Texan

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The rapidly escalating ‘unlawful surveillance of Americans’ scandal that has been rocking the Bush administration took a new twist today.

In response to critics who claim the President lied when he told a crowd in April 2004 that “...a wiretap requires a court order...,” Bush asserted that he was misunderstood. “If you listen to my comments carefully,” the President said, “It’s clear that I’m saying ‘wire trap,’ not wiretap. See, in Texas, anytime you want to catch something with a wire trap, you need to get a court order. Same with terrorists. We’ve been perfecting a terrorist wire trap for several years. Put some sticks of dynamite inside, the terrorist sees it, runs in to steal it and, wham! You got yerself a bad guy.”

When questioned on this interpretation of his comments by reporters, Bush responded sternly. “Listen, you’re the people who are always saying I mangle the English language when I speak. Now you’re trying to use my exact words to trap me. Either I mangle language or I don’t. You can’t have it both ways.”

Monday, December 19, 2005

My Predictions for 2006

Camilla Parker Bowles will receive the world’s second face transplant.

Donald Trump will be fired.

Carnival Cruises will begin offering tours of the melting polar ice caps (“You may actually see a Polar Bear drown”).

Gasoline will top $3 a gallon. Tofu prices, however, will decline.

Democrats will regain majorities in both houses of Congress in the November elections. A day later, Bush will declare Marshall Law and anoint himself Most Illustrious Emperor of Bushlovia.

A scientist at a major university will discover a cure for most cancers, but lose all of his data when a glass of champagne is spilled into his computer. A jealous colleague or drunken graduate student will be arrested.

During a taping of his television show, Bill O’Reilly will die after swallowing his own tongue during an especially emotional attack on the Easter Bunny.

Frustrated with the lack of success in meeting their worldwide demands, terrorists will resort to a new tactic that will be known as “suicide beheadings.” Al Qaeda leaders will quickly denounce the practice.

Mexico will be welcomed as the 51st state.

FOX will introduce a reality show called “Out On A Limb” where contestants fight to the death with chainsaws.

The cell phone suppository will be introduced.

A new planet will be discovered and named “Oprah.”

A cure will be discovered for “restless leg syndrome.”

Uruguay will disappear.

Jerry Falwell will admit to a long-time love affair with Grover Norquist. Pat Robertson will take off all his clothes during a 700 Club taping and urinate on a photo of Howard Stern.

Canada will build a 3000-mile fence along its border with the U.S. to keep out a flood of Americans seeking political asylum.

The Rolling Stones will do a 40-city “AARP Tour.”

A Japanese investment group will buy Seattle.

China will land a man on the moon. And leave him there.

Failure of the MSM #2,898,436

During a FOX News interview after his Sunday night address to the nation, Bush once again asserted that, even knowing what we now know, he would still have invaded Iraq.

The question that is never asked by the press, of course, is what justification the President would have used to invade Iraq.

If it was commonly acknowledged that Iraq had no WMD, no active nuclear weapons program, no biological agent program and no ties to al Qaeda, what possible argument could he make to invade a sovereign country? Saddam's not a nice guy? We want their oil?

The only thing that got him his much-desired war was the shroud of uncertainty the administration through over the eyes of the media and citizens with lies of mushroom clouds and plague-carrying drones. How could Bush have possibly argued for invading Iraq if he did not have his phony intelligence?

Someone should ask him.