Tuesday, December 27, 2005

The Resolutions of George Bush

A copy of President Bush’s personal list of New Year’s resolutions was smuggled out of the White House and passed on to That’s Going Too Far! The list was hand written on the back of a liquor store receipt for two quarts of Jose Cuervo Gold tequila.

1. Look into this “Constitution” thing.
2. Learn to locate Iraq on a map.
3. Spend at least one night a week with Laura.
4. Meet with Cheney at least once a month.
5. Beat the last three levels of Star Wars: Battlefront II.
6. Stop eating candy for breakfast.
7. Get a second opinion on nationalizing the press.
8. Update my enemies’ list.
9. Update my pardons list.
10. Visit and evaluate countries willing to provide me with political asylum.
11. Remind self not to take meds immediately before riding a bike or horse.
12. Lie less often but more effectively.
13. Call Mom every Tuesday.
14. Learn to speak in tongues.
15. Wear clean underwear.
16. Initiate End Times with war on China.

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