My Predictions for 2006

Camilla Parker Bowles will receive the world’s second face transplant.

Donald Trump will be fired.

Carnival Cruises will begin offering tours of the melting polar ice caps (“You may actually see a Polar Bear drown”).

Gasoline will top $3 a gallon. Tofu prices, however, will decline.

Democrats will regain majorities in both houses of Congress in the November elections. A day later, Bush will declare Marshall Law and anoint himself Most Illustrious Emperor of Bushlovia.

A scientist at a major university will discover a cure for most cancers, but lose all of his data when a glass of champagne is spilled into his computer. A jealous colleague or drunken graduate student will be arrested.

During a taping of his television show, Bill O’Reilly will die after swallowing his own tongue during an especially emotional attack on the Easter Bunny.

Frustrated with the lack of success in meeting their worldwide demands, terrorists will resort to a new tactic that will be known as “suicide beheadings.” Al Qaeda leaders will quickly denounce the practice.

Mexico will be welcomed as the 51st state.

FOX will introduce a reality show called “Out On A Limb” where contestants fight to the death with chainsaws.

The cell phone suppository will be introduced.

A new planet will be discovered and named “Oprah.”

A cure will be discovered for “restless leg syndrome.”

Uruguay will disappear.

Jerry Falwell will admit to a long-time love affair with Grover Norquist. Pat Robertson will take off all his clothes during a 700 Club taping and urinate on a photo of Howard Stern.

Canada will build a 3000-mile fence along its border with the U.S. to keep out a flood of Americans seeking political asylum.

The Rolling Stones will do a 40-city “AARP Tour.”

A Japanese investment group will buy Seattle.

China will land a man on the moon. And leave him there.