Tuesday, November 08, 2005

The News Before It's News

Although it is known to a mere handful of individuals, That's Going Too Far! brings you the big stories MONTHS before they actually happen. Psychic? Perhaps. Lucky? You bet. Unlike the Bush administration which lives in an alternative reality, TGTF actually changes the vibrations of the present, which in turn alters future reality, changing it into something that was not going to be the future, but...more like...the future you weren't expecting.

What the hell am I talking about? The following headline and article appeared in the November 8, 2005 online edition of The Independent: "Iraq plans hotel and theme parks for a tourism boon." The article below appeared on this blog JUNE 6, 2005. That's right. It's a gift and a curse. I'm in talks with the Weekly World News as I write this.

Micky's in the Mosque

Washington D.C.—At a Rose Garden ceremony today, President George Bush, with Disney CEO Michael Eisner at his side, announced the administration’s newest tactic in the ongoing battle with the Iraq insurgency.

“Today,” announced the President, “we are turning a new corner in our war on the terrorists in Iraq. In cooperation with the Disney Corporation, the United States government will begin a major construction project near Baghdad this fall that, if it is allowed to become a reality, we believe it will lift the spirit of Iraqis of every age. Michael.”

Eisner continued. “That’s right, Mr. President. Beginning in October, 2005, we are going to break ground for one of the most exciting entertainment complexes on the face of the earth….” A canopy is pulled off of an easel, exposing architectural renderings. “…Disney’s Middle East Magical Kingdom.”

President Bush: “This is exciting, Michael. A Disney-operated magical kingdom right in the heart of the Islamic world. What could be better for Iraqi children than a safe, clean, fantasy world of rides and exhibits that reflect and reinforce the holiest traditions of Islam?”

“I couldn’t have said it better, Mr. President,” continued Eisner. “What the children of Iraq need right now is the opportunity to be children…to have fun and laugh and shake hands with Mickey and Goofy. What a morale booster that would be. Yes, this new park incorporates rides and exhibits that will draw families from all over the Middle East. There’s Mohammad’s ‘Dome of the Rock’ ride, where kids will ride a white horse up, up, up into a blue desert sky. Or try ‘Mecca Madness’ as you journey to Mecca only to be interrupted time and time again by robbers, soldiers and fanatical Christians. Then, for all those future martyrs out there, test yourselves at the ‘Minaret Free Fall.’ All I can say is, hold on to your hijab.”

“And your hat,” added the President. “But, my friends, like freedom, laughter and fun do not come without a price. For this amazing new Disney park to become reality, we must have the cooperation of all combatants in Iraq. Let’s be honest. How can we have a Magic Kingdom if there are suicide bombers lurking in the parking lot? How can mothers take their children on rides if they suspect the ride will be hijacked and hostages taken? How can an excited little girl feel safe hugging Sleeping Beauty if the Princess might be strapped with explosives? Lay down your weapons. Turn in your grenades. There will be a six week period of amnesty for all insurgents to come to Baghdad and turn themselves in for the opportunity to see a smile on the face of their children again. Make Disney’s Middle East Magical Kingdom a reality. Please. Trade in your AK47 for a mouse ear hat. You won’t regret it.”

Yes, Mr. President,” said Eisner. “Thanks to you, our brave military personnel and Halliburton, we can build the most magical of magic kingdoms and turn a country of death and destruction into the happiest place on earth. Right, Mickey?”

At that moment, costumed Mickey, Minnie, Goofy and other Disney Favorites emerged to lead a parade around the Rose Garden to the well known tune, ‘It’s a Small World.’”

Funding for this project is expected to be over $8 billion, but there appears to be little opposition in Congress from either side of the aisle.


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