Cheney Survives ‘Near-life’ Experience

Washington, D.C. – Doctors at Bethesda Naval Hospital have confirmed that Vice President Dick Cheney was recently admitted for ‘acute signs of life’ associated with the accidental activation of his pacemaker.

According to sources in the Office of the Vice President, the bizarre incident began when an errant radio signal set off Cheney’s pacemaker, which had never been activated. Doctors said that as his heart began to pump blood through his body, the vice president began to experience symptoms of humanness, including grief, remorse, and empathy.

Fortunately, the vice president’s wife, Lynne, was in the room and recognized the symptoms immediately.

“When he began sobbing during a newscast, I knew something was wrong,” recounted Mrs. Cheney, who immediately called for an ambulance. “He said he wanted to give me a big hug and start a list of all his sins and transgressions. I tried not to panic, but I was frightened because I’d never seen Dick like that before. Believe me, it’s a side of him I hope I never see again.”

Although aides have not confirmed the report, Nurses attending Cheney after his surgery said he described himself as floating above his body, and then walking down a long tunnel toward a bright light. As he neared the end of the tunnel, he was greeted by specters that included Franklin D. Roosevelt, Rachel Carson, John Lennon, and Gandhi. He’s reported to have said, “At that point I knew I was being sent to hell, so I did everything in my power to return to my physical body.”

Doctors removed the malfunctioning pacemaker and replaced it with heart-shaped clock.