It’s the end of the world as we know it….

So the world is ending in about two weeks. Regrets? I’ve had a few…but I did it my way. At least I don’t have to worry about Christmas shopping. The question is, how should I spend my remaining time on earth? I’ve got about 14 days to accomplish the things that I’ve been too lazy or incompetent to achieve over the past five decades. I have thought about it, and here is my list of “Must Dos” before I’m incinerated in an earth-sized fireball or whatever it is the Mayans said about the end. I know my aim is high, and my goals may seem impossible, but hey, I’m going to give it my best shot.

1. Make the Nazi zombie beach party porn musical film I’ve got in my head
2. Wiggle my nose like Elizabeth Montgomery in Bewitched
3. Buy something advertised on a television infomercial
4. Twist Rush Limbaugh’s ear until he apologizes for every breath he’s ever taken
5. Dance naked Gangnam style through the Mall of America
6. Become an Iron Chef
7. Give Al Pacino a noogie
8. Find Waldo
9. Learn to speak Urdu
10. Increase the fiber in my diet