Friday, March 11, 2005

Free Speech: In The Lie Of The Beholder

Emmy-award winning writer/producer Bill Cummings was secretly tapped during a meeting between himself and two FOX network executives during a script review for an episode of his hit TV courtroom drama, “New World Justice.”

(Rustling in background as meeting starts)

Exec. 1
Bill, how are you?

Bill
Great. Busy, as always.

Exec. 1
Bill, this is _______. He’s out of the Broadcast Standards and Practices Department.

Bill
Nice to meet you. I think….

Exec. 2
No need to worry, Bill. As you know, the FCC is a rabid dog on the loose these days, and we just need to make sure we don’t attract any attention from them. No big deal. There’s only a couple of concerns about the “Hang Hillary High” episode.

Bill
Okay.

Exec. 2
So, let’s just chat about the title.

Bill
The title? Wow. I spent hours toning it down.

Exec. 1
Bill, you know how we all feel about that woman, but advocating her death in the episode title is just a little much.

Bill
Interesting. Never thought I’d hear this from you guys.

Exec.1
It’s the climate. Everyone has to be so PC these days. You understand.

Bill
Okay. What’s next?

Exec. 2
There are some concerns about the plot itself. Portraying Hillary Clinton as a serial killer may not fly with the FCC or her lawyers.

Bill
Come on. It’s common knowledge on the Net. Don’t you guys ever read blogs?

Exec. 1
Agreed, there are some compelling arguments, but nothing solid, Bill. Nothing that would stand in a court of law.

Bill
Not in front of your typical liberal judge, but—

Exec. 2
Let’s tone it down and avoid problems. Okay?

Bill
You’re ripping the guts out of my work, you know.

Exec. 1
We don’t like this any more than you do, Bill.

Exec. 2
Then there is a the car chase, where you have Rock pursuing Hillary through the city streets. We felt having her run over an entire kindergarten class on a field trip was a bit much.

Bill
You know she’s capable of it.

Exec. 1
Regardless, whether she would ever actually do that is debatable.

Bill
This isn’t a documentary. It’s fiction. Pure fiction.

Exec. 2
But we would be tangling with a powerful individual, Bill. We don’t need that. Okay? Finally, in the scene right before she’s riddled with bullets from Agent Lewinsky—

Bill
You like that? Lewinsky?

Exec. 2
Uh, you have Hillary performing a satanic ritual in her basement, summoning the (puts on his glasses and reads from the script), “…agents of the evil one to arise and rid the world of God-fearing white conservatives forever.” (takes off his glasses) Bill—

Bill
Okay. Okay. You don’t have to say it. I’ll scratch “white.”

Exec. 1
(to Exec. 2) Well, that works for me.

Exec. 2
Perfect. That’s it. Thanks so much for your cooperation, Bill.

Bill
Sure. One day we’ll be able to speak the truth. Right?

Exec. 1
Amen to that.

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