Tuesday, March 01, 2005

Are You Paying Too Much For Torture?

March 1, 2005

Mr. Donald Rumsfeld
Office of the Secretary of Defense
Washington, D.C.

Dear Mr. Secretary,

I am taking the liberty of writing to you so that I may present a proposition which could benefit both of our countries. We here in Paraguay are aware that you often send terrorist subjects to countries other than your own for “special handling” not available in the United States. I believe you call it “extraordinary rendition.” We had quite a hoot in my office over this term.

Anyway, I would like to offer the services of my country for future events of extraordinary rendition. After many decades of factional fighting and repressive military governments, we are uniquely positioned to handle uncooperative prisoners. Our country can provide remote locations, essential equipment and trained personnel for information retrieval. In addition, few people on the planet know where Paraguay is located, providing you with a very low profile destination on the media radar. And, we are closer than Syria or Jordan which will cut down on transportation costs.

In return for our services, we ask for only 100M per prisoner. If the prisoner dies in our custody without information being extracted, we cut this cost by 20 percent. You can’t lose. And, as a special bonus for acting today, we will disappear any Amnesty International representatives in the country at no additional charge! Please, this offer is only good as long as the War on Terror continues. Gracias, and I hope to hear from you soon.


Colonel Jose Cezar Moreno
Assistant Minister of Defense
Central Command Bldg, Unit #35
Asuncion, Paraguay

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