WASHINGTON D.C. -- A new CBS News poll puts President Bush’s favorable rating at 34%, the lowest it has been during his presidency. In a controversial decision, CBS chose not to mention the poll results on its nightly news program. A spokesperson for the network said that this negative news for the President, coming within eight months of a national election, could be considered, “a partisan attack on Bush’s administration,” and unfairly bias voters.
Republican National Committee chairman Ken Melman dismissed the poll, claiming it was skewed towards, “living, non-institutionalized Americans.” Melman noted that conspicuously absent from the list of those polled were the criminally insane, death row inmates, zombies and Fortune 100 CEOs.
In the same poll, Vice President Dick Cheney’s favorable rating fell to an unprecedented 18%. Research reveals that Cheney’s favorable rating falls below the following among Americans:
A root canal
Speaking in public
Being attacked by elephant-sized scorpions
A tax audit
Being rejected by “The Bachelor”
Poking one’s eyes with knitting needles
Vice President Cheney’s office attempted to put a silver lining on the poll results by claiming that the numbers would rebound, “Everyday Dick doesn’t shoot someone in the face.”