I’d never put a bumper sticker on a car of mine before this year. The perceived power of the adhesive to far outlast the relevance of the message always deterred me, especially when I passed cars with sun-bleached “Minnesota Twins. 1987 World Champions” banners affixed to dangling, rusted bumpers. In 2004, however, a presidential election year pitting an incumbent who looks like Alfred E. Newman, talks like John Wayne sucking helium and governs like Nero, and an articulate war hero from New England as the challenger, well, it seemed time to do more than throw empty beer cans at the television.
Feeling a need to express my deep displeasure with an administration that had failed Americans on so many levels in so many ways, I ended up ordering a bumper sticker on-line that said, “Save America. Recall Bush.” Simple. Straightforward. Easily read by tailgaters. I liked that it was both a reference to the recent recall of California governor Pete Wilson, and less overtly, to the fact that Bush was appointed President by the Supreme Court, making him more like a mid-level government clerk than Commander and Chief, and giving his claim to the presidency little legitimacy.
So I inhaled, peeled off the backing, and pressed the sticker to the rear bumper of my 1997 Toyota Camry. “Save America. Recall Bush.” Now I had done it. I’d raised my flag, turned the spotlight on myself, proclaimed my allegiance to a cause. I had publicly taken sides.
It took about a week before I got any reaction. It happened near my exit off of 94 near downtown Minneapolis during the afternoon rush hour. This relatively short stretch of freeway is habitually clogged at that time with endless streams of entering and exiting vehicles. As I neared my off-ramp, traffic to my left was moving slightly faster than my lane, and a towering white SUV with gold trim pulled up beside me. The passenger window was rolled down, and the crimson-faced, thirty-something execupunk driver was yelling at me. As I turned my head to the left, I heard one discernable word amid engine noise and honking: “Asshole.” Then SUV boy gunned it and quickly sped forward. I had scored a hit. Contact with the enemy! He was pissed, I was bemused, and there was a certain sense of exhilaration that then turned to anxiety—How sane was he? …he might have had a gun under his seat or he could have made one quick jerk of his steering wheel and they’d be picking gold trim out of my forehead in an emergency room. As the months passed, though, I grew accustomed to the occasional fingers and unintelligible harangues. Someone in the gentrified suburb of Edina even slipped a haughty missive under a windshield wiper of my parked car with the basic message, “Who would you rather have? Clinton?” as if only the most adle-brained Marxist sexual deviant would consider Bubba preferable to Bush.
The most unexpected response came from a colleague at work, a normally cheery, rosy-cheeked account executive at our agency. During an otherwise routine meeting the topic meandered to politics then bumper stickers and I mentioned I was putting on a “Kerry/Edwards” sticker. Without a change in tone or a segue, she said, “Good. I hope your going to put it over the other one (“Save America. Recall Bush.”). I think it’s un-American.” I tilted my head like a confused Cocker Spaniel. “Un-American?” I asked. “That’s just my opinion,” she answered, smiling professionally. The conversation snapped back to copy deadlines and cost estimates, but it was disconcerting to be told I was un-American and I remained distracted throughout the meeting. True, the sentiments of the bumper sticker were decidedly anti-Bush, but un-American? I thought being able to criticize politicians was what made us Americans. I decided that pursuing my questions with that particular account executive would upset the political feng shui in the office, and my boss, so I let it go.
It has been a valuable lesson in the power of words. As a copywriter, I bang out so many words every day that I can sometimes underestimate their impact on readers (except when the reader is a client who hates my work). And bumper stickers aren’t as benign as I had imagined. People read them, and people react to them. A few carefully chosen words pasted to your car can send blood pressures rising, nostrils flaring and profanities spewing. So, based on my limited experience, I have two words of advice for those weighing whether or not to stick the sticker during this highly charged political season: Goo Gone®
Monday, September 27, 2004
Friday, September 24, 2004
On a Mission From God?
Conservatives are not an introspective group. In fact, my impression is that looking inward is viewed as a sign of weakness among the faithful. Virtually any form of hypocrisy is tolerated by conservatives as long as you are a true believer. If you’re in the club, you get a free pass. If you’re not in the club, you sneeze the wrong way and you’re a terrorist sympathizer. George Bush experiences no ethical dilemma attacking the war hero Kerry even when Bush’s own military service is a textbook example of the privileged slacker. Being a conservative is a lot like being in the mafia. In the Republican “family,” blood is thicker than logic or reason, and as long as you don’t turn on your bothers and sisters, you can be forgiven for just about anything. Conservatives can brush aside Jimmy Swaggart’s sexual escapades, but turn around and impeach Bill Clinton for coping a feel. Limbaugh can abuse drugs one day, then lambaste drug users the next. Republican senators can be gay, but vote against gay issues. Bush can…wait, that list would take me the rest of the day.
In the movie the Blues Brothers, Elwood deadpans the memorable line, “We’re on a mission from God.” During their quest, the brothers break enough traffic laws to warrant the death penalty, destroy an entire shopping mall and nearly kill dozens of people on their holy mission to stage a blues concert. Conservatives should be able to relate. When a person is on a mission from God, which Christian conservatives believe they are, normal rules and parameters simply don’t apply. I call this “ends-justify-the-means” outlook the Crusade Effect. In their campaigns to rescue Jerusalem from the Muslims, Crusaders wreaked havoc and mayhem throughout the Middle East, all the while justifying their actions because, “We’re on a mission from God.”
Being under the spell of the Crusade Effect means never having to say you’re sorry. Why should you? You’re doing God’s work and no one would ever apologize for that. You don’t believe you’re right, you know you’re right, and there can be no namby-pamby equivocation on issues. No give and take. No surrender.
Filmmaker Michael Moore used his Web site recently to berate liberals for losing faith in Kerry’s campaign and bemoaning the fact that it’s a close race for the White House. In his letter to liberals, ”Put Away Your Hankies…” Moore writes:
“Enough of the hand wringing! Enough of the doomsaying! Do I have to come there and personally calm you down? Stop with all the defeatism, OK? Bush IS a goner -- IF we all just quit our whining and bellyaching and stop shaking like a bunch of nervous ninnies. Geez, this is embarrassing! The Republicans are laughing at us. Do you ever see them cry, "Oh, it's all over! We are finished! Bush can't win! Waaaaaa!"
Hell no. It's never over for them until the last ballot is shredded. They are never finished -- they just keeping moving forward like sharks that never sleep, always pushing, pulling, kicking, blocking, lying.”
They’re on a mission from God.
The rest of us, on the other hand, for all our neurotic, introspective hand wringing, are just trying to make the earth a more tolerable place to live. What liberals and progressives lack in the zealous certainty of conservatives, we should make up for in the quiet satisfaction that history has proven us right time and time again, and there’s no reason to believe it won’t in the future, as well.
In the movie the Blues Brothers, Elwood deadpans the memorable line, “We’re on a mission from God.” During their quest, the brothers break enough traffic laws to warrant the death penalty, destroy an entire shopping mall and nearly kill dozens of people on their holy mission to stage a blues concert. Conservatives should be able to relate. When a person is on a mission from God, which Christian conservatives believe they are, normal rules and parameters simply don’t apply. I call this “ends-justify-the-means” outlook the Crusade Effect. In their campaigns to rescue Jerusalem from the Muslims, Crusaders wreaked havoc and mayhem throughout the Middle East, all the while justifying their actions because, “We’re on a mission from God.”
Being under the spell of the Crusade Effect means never having to say you’re sorry. Why should you? You’re doing God’s work and no one would ever apologize for that. You don’t believe you’re right, you know you’re right, and there can be no namby-pamby equivocation on issues. No give and take. No surrender.
Filmmaker Michael Moore used his Web site recently to berate liberals for losing faith in Kerry’s campaign and bemoaning the fact that it’s a close race for the White House. In his letter to liberals, ”Put Away Your Hankies…” Moore writes:
“Enough of the hand wringing! Enough of the doomsaying! Do I have to come there and personally calm you down? Stop with all the defeatism, OK? Bush IS a goner -- IF we all just quit our whining and bellyaching and stop shaking like a bunch of nervous ninnies. Geez, this is embarrassing! The Republicans are laughing at us. Do you ever see them cry, "Oh, it's all over! We are finished! Bush can't win! Waaaaaa!"
Hell no. It's never over for them until the last ballot is shredded. They are never finished -- they just keeping moving forward like sharks that never sleep, always pushing, pulling, kicking, blocking, lying.”
They’re on a mission from God.
The rest of us, on the other hand, for all our neurotic, introspective hand wringing, are just trying to make the earth a more tolerable place to live. What liberals and progressives lack in the zealous certainty of conservatives, we should make up for in the quiet satisfaction that history has proven us right time and time again, and there’s no reason to believe it won’t in the future, as well.
Wednesday, September 15, 2004
Y Blog?
Blogging is talking to myself. It’s a note in a bottle thrown out to sea. It’s taping a page of copy to my monitor. With no reviews, no Pulitzers, no talk show circuit, I have no audience. More people would read what I have here if I taped it up to the inside of a stall door in the bathroom. What is the sense of this blog? Now that I have seen any number of other blogs, their purpose seems even more elusive to me than before. Why would anyone I don’t know care about my day-to-day life, especially if it doesn’t include blood-letting, sex or a car chases? Most people’s lives, including my own, are shockingly boring and repetitive—lives of quiet desperation, as Thoreau observed. And the blogs I have read only confirm this. Religion addicts who can’t stop themselves from writing “Jesus” into every paragraph; lonely students who’s lives cycle from bedroom to classroom to party room and back again; advice givers with their affirming maxims and “can do” cheeriness, bored housewives, geeks in heat, and insufferable political hacks, like me…William Greider wanna-bes who, without government sources or a D.C. address, have very little, if anything, original to say. What we have in blogs is an electronic vanity press where you publish your masterful gems of literary genius for you and your entire family to enjoy. In my case, I don’t think even my next-of-kin have bothered.
At least it’s free. For now.
At least it’s free. For now.
Friday, September 10, 2004
More Nukes for a Safer World
As our conceal and carry law is challenged in various state courts, the arguments for easier access to handguns resurface. Here in Minnesota, as in other states, conceal and carry advocates believe that more guns in the hands of more citizens will make our state a safer place. If that’s true, then it stands to reason that more nuclear weapons in the hands of more countries should make the world a safer place. Even our pro-gun, “shoot-first-and-ask-questions-later” administration understands this is an absurd notion, as do most people over the age of five. Meeting violence with more violence or the threat of violence is a strategy, but it is not a solution. We need to stop looking to the Old West as our model for society and to fear as the stimulus for public policy. Our children are counting on it.
Thursday, September 09, 2004
Uncle Dick is Coming Unglued
Paraphrasing Dick Cheney’s latest rhetorical excretion, this country risks being attacked by terrorists if we elect Kerry. Excuse me, but do I smell desperation? The ravings of a cornered animal? Of all the phantasmagorical, other-worldly statements from the Bush administration, this is one of the weirdest. It is a remark so distant from reality that it has to be measured in light years. Let’s step back for just a moment.
• Bush was the president when terrorists brought down the World Trade Towers.
• Bush is the one who froze when told America was under attack.
• Bush is the one who ignored clear warnings that terrorists planned to use planes as weapons.
• Bush is the one who invaded a sovereign country not tied in any way to 9/11.
• Bush is the one who alienated our allies in the fight against terrorism.
• Bush is the one responsible for an upsurge in terrorist recruitment worldwide as a result of his misguided policies.
• Bush is the one who has weakened our ability to fight terrorists at home by diverting billions of dollars to the war in Iraq.
There very well may be a terrorist attack on America after Kerry is elected, but if that happens, it will be the direct result of a failed Bush administration, not a Kerry victory. And once Kerry is in office, Uncle Dick can take a long, long vacation.
• Bush was the president when terrorists brought down the World Trade Towers.
• Bush is the one who froze when told America was under attack.
• Bush is the one who ignored clear warnings that terrorists planned to use planes as weapons.
• Bush is the one who invaded a sovereign country not tied in any way to 9/11.
• Bush is the one who alienated our allies in the fight against terrorism.
• Bush is the one responsible for an upsurge in terrorist recruitment worldwide as a result of his misguided policies.
• Bush is the one who has weakened our ability to fight terrorists at home by diverting billions of dollars to the war in Iraq.
There very well may be a terrorist attack on America after Kerry is elected, but if that happens, it will be the direct result of a failed Bush administration, not a Kerry victory. And once Kerry is in office, Uncle Dick can take a long, long vacation.
Wednesday, September 08, 2004
September Blues
For anyone naïve enough to believe it can’t get any worse in the United States than it already has over the past four years, please come to my apartment and allow me to box your ears. How…HOW can an incompetent, smirking, prevaricating, dumb-ass like George Bush be running even in the polls with John Kerry in the final two months of this campaign? How is it possible that someone ill-prepared to be Mayor of Crawford, Texas, let alone President of the United States, may actually get a second term to drawl and swagger through the same hallways, meeting rooms and bedrooms as Lincoln, Roosevelt and Kennedy? How is it possible in a land where information is available at one’s fingertips and in virtually endless supplies can an electorate be so ignorant as to willingly vote for an incoherent, coward like Bush?
We are being swept through history faster than we can think about the journey. Like Dorothy and Toto, tornado-force winds are madly twirling us toward some realization that only horrendous pain and loss can ultimately reveal. It won’t be the biblical apocalypse, but it will be an American apocalypse, and our ancestors, from whatever celestial perch they may be watching, will not recognize the barren, scorched land they once helped nurture to greatness.
Like Ronald Reagan’s sanctimonious tree-mugger James Watt, Bush isn’t much concerned about the future of planet Earth. The end days are just a few mangled speeches away, then it will all be history. Smooth sailing. It is typical of Bush the coward to believe such a fantasy. He is probably already negotiating in his prayers for a preferred place in line into the Eternal Kingdom. “God, you do know who my Daddy is…. Need I say more?” Yes, someone, God in this case, will clean up George’s mess for the umpteenth time and he’ll evade responsibility for his actions because…well, because he has so darn much money.
Who knows? Maybe it’ll work. Much has already come to pass that I never would have dreamed could happen. If, in the end, it is Bush’s version of heaven, he’ll get all the deferments he needs for a plush cloud in a tony neighborhood of Paradise. But if it’s not….
We are being swept through history faster than we can think about the journey. Like Dorothy and Toto, tornado-force winds are madly twirling us toward some realization that only horrendous pain and loss can ultimately reveal. It won’t be the biblical apocalypse, but it will be an American apocalypse, and our ancestors, from whatever celestial perch they may be watching, will not recognize the barren, scorched land they once helped nurture to greatness.
Like Ronald Reagan’s sanctimonious tree-mugger James Watt, Bush isn’t much concerned about the future of planet Earth. The end days are just a few mangled speeches away, then it will all be history. Smooth sailing. It is typical of Bush the coward to believe such a fantasy. He is probably already negotiating in his prayers for a preferred place in line into the Eternal Kingdom. “God, you do know who my Daddy is…. Need I say more?” Yes, someone, God in this case, will clean up George’s mess for the umpteenth time and he’ll evade responsibility for his actions because…well, because he has so darn much money.
Who knows? Maybe it’ll work. Much has already come to pass that I never would have dreamed could happen. If, in the end, it is Bush’s version of heaven, he’ll get all the deferments he needs for a plush cloud in a tony neighborhood of Paradise. But if it’s not….
Monday, September 06, 2004
Political Discourse in America
SYNOPSIS
Conventional wisdom maintains that politics has little relevance in everyday life. However, the increasing political polarization in America indicates it has more importance than we want to admit. If one is attuned, it's not that hard to uncover the schism between the two ideological poles, liberals and conservatives, even in encounters where politics might be the last thing one would expect.
CAST
Eddy Ñ Mid-forties man who could be any ethnicity.
Arnold Ñ Early thirties, white male.
SET
The bedroom of a modest, working-class American home.
AT RISE Ñ It is the middle of the night. The bedroom is dark and Eddy is sleeping. Arnold enters cautiously, tiptoeing past the bed when he hits a creaky floorboard.
EDDY
(Sitting up in bed)
Who is it? Who's there?
(pause)
Who's there?
ARNOLD
(after a beat. Sarcastic)
George Bush. Whattaya mean, 'Who's there?'
EDDY
Whattaya mean, 'Whattaya mean?"
ARNOLD
I mean, whattaya asking who I am for? I'm a burglar. I'm gonna give you my name?
EDDY
A burglar?
ARNOLD
Sorry, I left my business cards back at the crack house.
EDDY
WhatÉ?
ARNOLD
But, listen, I'll give you my e-mail address so we can chat.
EDDY
All right. Enough sarcasm. Sorry I asked.
ARNOLD
(to himself)
'Who's there?'
EDDY
Okay, you're the expert. What am I supposed to say when awakened by a stranger in my bedroom in the middle of the night?
ARNOLD
Well, there are a variety of more appropriate remarks.
EDDY
Such as?
ARNOLD
Such as, 'Stop. I've got a .38 pointed at you. One more step and I blow your brains out.'
EDDY
But what if I don't?
ARNOLD
Blow my brains out?
EDDY
No, have a .38.
ARNOLD
You should, but that's not important.
EDDY
No?
ARNOLD
No. You've got my attention. It's dark. I can't see you very well. Am I going to take a chance and challenge what you're telling me?
EDDY
I don't know.
ARNOLD
No. Most burglars, myself included, avoid violence like the plague. That's why we sneak into your house.
EDDY
Do you have a gun?
ARNOLD
Of course.
EDDY
ButÑ
ARNOLD
Hey, I'm not violent, but I'm also not stupid.
EDDY
I like to see who I'm talking with. I'm going to turn on the lamp. Don't shoot me.
ARNOLD
I won't shoot you. Go ahead
EDDY
(clicks on bedside lamp. Arnold is wearing a ski mask)
Should'a known. Okay. Let's say, just for argument's sake, I actually did have a weapon. What then?
ARNOLD
(leaning against the dresser)
Then it would be a standoff.
EDDY
AndÉ?
ARNOLD
We'd negotiate. I guess.
EDDY
You guess?
ARNOLD
I've never been in that situation.
EDDY
How long have you been a burglar?
ARNOLD
I don't know...two, three years.
EDDY
And you've never come across a homeowner with a gun?
ARNOLD
Hey, it's not like I'm out robbing homes 24-7. I do it when I need money and I usually pick homes I know are empty. Couple of times a month.
EDDY
Why aren't you robbing homes up on the North Side where the rich people live instead of a working-class neighborhood like this?
ARNOLD
Good question. The reason is that too many of those homes have security systems. You see, unlike some people in my line of work, I actually think about what I'm doing. What are the pros and cons of hitting this house compared to that house. Working this neighborhood compared to that neighborhood. It's really a science. If you hit houses in a lower income neighborhood, your take is so small it's not worth the risks, but, if you work in a higher income neighborhood, your chances of breaking into a house with an alarm system go up. So while the take is going to be better, the risks become higher. I like to operate right in the seam. A decent take for minimal risks.
EDDY
I'm being robbed by Alan Greenspan. Why don't you get a job? You sound like a reasonably intelligent person.
ARNOLD
'Reasonably intelligent?'
EDDY
You're awfully thin-skinned for a burglar.
ARNOLD
I have a college degree.
EDDY
Oooh. In what?
ARNOLD
That doesn't matter.
EDDY
You're embarrassed to tell me.
ARNOLD
Economics.
EDDY
I'm sorry?
ARNOLD
Economics.
EDDY
You're pulling my leg.
ARNOLD
Graduated with honors.
EDDY
So you went to college, got your degree in economics, and now you're robbing homes. Makes perfect sense.
ARNOLD
First of all, I have a job, smart guy. Short order cook at Papa Juan's. Second, an economics degree is about as useful as eleven toes. Okay? But I can't even afford the rent packing tacos. So I make a little money on the side.
EDDY
Robbing houses.
ARNOLD
Yes. Robbing houses. It fits my schedule. I'm not a morning person. (pause). What do you do?
EDDY
I'm the manager of three convenience stores. Maybe you've robbed one?
ARNOLD
I don't do convenience stores. Why would anyone rob a store where you know they're videotaping you? Makes no sense.
EDDY
True. But I've been robbed three times this year alone.
ARNOLD
Crack heads. Gang bangers. Give the field a bad name.
EDDY
You're a purist.
ARNOLD
I'm just not into the macho 'prove your manhood' crap. I need money, not acceptance. I'm a survivalist. I do what I need to do to survive. Where's your wallet, cash...? You know.
EDDY
Down to business. Huh? Listen. What if I offered you a job? I need a cashier at my Lincoln store.
ARNOLD
Cashier at a convenience store? Are you kidding? That's combat duty.
EDDY
More hazardous than robbing homes in the middle of the night?
ARNOLD
No question about it. Normally I'm in and out in under fifteen minutes. Some nights I've brought home three or four hundred bucks and a handful of credit cards worth thousands. I'm gonna give that up to stand at a cash register for hours and listen to some dim bulb rag about the expiration date on a box of doughnuts? I don't think so. I have some pride.
EDDY
Fair enough. It's not glamorous work.
ARNOLD
But it's a job. Right? I hear that crap all the time. Tell me this, Mr. Manager. Do you like your job?
EDDY
Sure I do.
ARNOLD
(skeptical)
Uh huh.
EDDY
(long pause)
No. Actually, I hate it. But what difference does that make? I do what I have to do. Like you. I've got alimony payments, car payments, a mortgage....
ARNOLD
You asked me why I don't want to work at your convenience store. There you have it.
EDDY
Okay. Point taken. But the alternative doesn't have to be turning into a criminal.
ARNOLD
Sure. A person like me has other choices. Welfare. Suicide. Drugs.
EDDY
You're a real "half-empty" kind of guy.
ARNOLD
I'm just a guy who's found a way to make some extra bucks. This is America, and I'm an entrepreneur. It's capitalism in action.
EDDY
Yeah. Very Patriotic.
ARNOLD
Okay, I take people's money. But think about this. If I was on welfare, I'd still be taking your money in taxes. Or I get into drugs. I'm arrested, go through the courts then jail. Again, you're paying for every step of that process. Even suicide. I don't have a will or money to bury myself. Someone's gonna have to pick up the tab.
EDDY
Me.
ARNOLD
Now you're getting it. I pay my bills, even pay taxes, and I'm not costing you anything...except what I take from you tonight. But consider it a one time payment that keeps me off of welfare, and keeps your taxes down. From an economics standpoint, it really makes sense.
EDDY
Mmmm.
ARNOLD
And, it's to your benefit that I don't get caught and put into the judicial system, becauseÑ
EDDY
I pay for it with taxes.
ARNOLD
The cost to house a federal inmate is up to $40,000 annually. Part of that is your money.
EDDY
This is all very fascinating, but there is one small flaw in your reasoning.
ARNOLD
Really. And what's that?
EDDY
Taxes are a shared cost. Everyone who works pays taxes, so theoretically, no one has to shoulder more than their fair share of paying for things like sewers, garbage disposal, roads and so forth. Now if by stealing money from me tonight that keeps you off of welfare, all fine and good, except for the fact that I end up paying more than...say, my friend Oscar, down the street, since you're not robbing his house. Your argument only makes sense if you rob everyone. Then it would be fair.
Arnold raises his revolver and shoots Elmer several times.
ARNOLD
(angrily, to himself, as he starts searching through drawers)
Damn liberal Democrats are going to ruin this country yet.
FADE TO BLACK.
END.
Conventional wisdom maintains that politics has little relevance in everyday life. However, the increasing political polarization in America indicates it has more importance than we want to admit. If one is attuned, it's not that hard to uncover the schism between the two ideological poles, liberals and conservatives, even in encounters where politics might be the last thing one would expect.
CAST
Eddy Ñ Mid-forties man who could be any ethnicity.
Arnold Ñ Early thirties, white male.
SET
The bedroom of a modest, working-class American home.
AT RISE Ñ It is the middle of the night. The bedroom is dark and Eddy is sleeping. Arnold enters cautiously, tiptoeing past the bed when he hits a creaky floorboard.
EDDY
(Sitting up in bed)
Who is it? Who's there?
(pause)
Who's there?
ARNOLD
(after a beat. Sarcastic)
George Bush. Whattaya mean, 'Who's there?'
EDDY
Whattaya mean, 'Whattaya mean?"
ARNOLD
I mean, whattaya asking who I am for? I'm a burglar. I'm gonna give you my name?
EDDY
A burglar?
ARNOLD
Sorry, I left my business cards back at the crack house.
EDDY
WhatÉ?
ARNOLD
But, listen, I'll give you my e-mail address so we can chat.
EDDY
All right. Enough sarcasm. Sorry I asked.
ARNOLD
(to himself)
'Who's there?'
EDDY
Okay, you're the expert. What am I supposed to say when awakened by a stranger in my bedroom in the middle of the night?
ARNOLD
Well, there are a variety of more appropriate remarks.
EDDY
Such as?
ARNOLD
Such as, 'Stop. I've got a .38 pointed at you. One more step and I blow your brains out.'
EDDY
But what if I don't?
ARNOLD
Blow my brains out?
EDDY
No, have a .38.
ARNOLD
You should, but that's not important.
EDDY
No?
ARNOLD
No. You've got my attention. It's dark. I can't see you very well. Am I going to take a chance and challenge what you're telling me?
EDDY
I don't know.
ARNOLD
No. Most burglars, myself included, avoid violence like the plague. That's why we sneak into your house.
EDDY
Do you have a gun?
ARNOLD
Of course.
EDDY
ButÑ
ARNOLD
Hey, I'm not violent, but I'm also not stupid.
EDDY
I like to see who I'm talking with. I'm going to turn on the lamp. Don't shoot me.
ARNOLD
I won't shoot you. Go ahead
EDDY
(clicks on bedside lamp. Arnold is wearing a ski mask)
Should'a known. Okay. Let's say, just for argument's sake, I actually did have a weapon. What then?
ARNOLD
(leaning against the dresser)
Then it would be a standoff.
EDDY
AndÉ?
ARNOLD
We'd negotiate. I guess.
EDDY
You guess?
ARNOLD
I've never been in that situation.
EDDY
How long have you been a burglar?
ARNOLD
I don't know...two, three years.
EDDY
And you've never come across a homeowner with a gun?
ARNOLD
Hey, it's not like I'm out robbing homes 24-7. I do it when I need money and I usually pick homes I know are empty. Couple of times a month.
EDDY
Why aren't you robbing homes up on the North Side where the rich people live instead of a working-class neighborhood like this?
ARNOLD
Good question. The reason is that too many of those homes have security systems. You see, unlike some people in my line of work, I actually think about what I'm doing. What are the pros and cons of hitting this house compared to that house. Working this neighborhood compared to that neighborhood. It's really a science. If you hit houses in a lower income neighborhood, your take is so small it's not worth the risks, but, if you work in a higher income neighborhood, your chances of breaking into a house with an alarm system go up. So while the take is going to be better, the risks become higher. I like to operate right in the seam. A decent take for minimal risks.
EDDY
I'm being robbed by Alan Greenspan. Why don't you get a job? You sound like a reasonably intelligent person.
ARNOLD
'Reasonably intelligent?'
EDDY
You're awfully thin-skinned for a burglar.
ARNOLD
I have a college degree.
EDDY
Oooh. In what?
ARNOLD
That doesn't matter.
EDDY
You're embarrassed to tell me.
ARNOLD
Economics.
EDDY
I'm sorry?
ARNOLD
Economics.
EDDY
You're pulling my leg.
ARNOLD
Graduated with honors.
EDDY
So you went to college, got your degree in economics, and now you're robbing homes. Makes perfect sense.
ARNOLD
First of all, I have a job, smart guy. Short order cook at Papa Juan's. Second, an economics degree is about as useful as eleven toes. Okay? But I can't even afford the rent packing tacos. So I make a little money on the side.
EDDY
Robbing houses.
ARNOLD
Yes. Robbing houses. It fits my schedule. I'm not a morning person. (pause). What do you do?
EDDY
I'm the manager of three convenience stores. Maybe you've robbed one?
ARNOLD
I don't do convenience stores. Why would anyone rob a store where you know they're videotaping you? Makes no sense.
EDDY
True. But I've been robbed three times this year alone.
ARNOLD
Crack heads. Gang bangers. Give the field a bad name.
EDDY
You're a purist.
ARNOLD
I'm just not into the macho 'prove your manhood' crap. I need money, not acceptance. I'm a survivalist. I do what I need to do to survive. Where's your wallet, cash...? You know.
EDDY
Down to business. Huh? Listen. What if I offered you a job? I need a cashier at my Lincoln store.
ARNOLD
Cashier at a convenience store? Are you kidding? That's combat duty.
EDDY
More hazardous than robbing homes in the middle of the night?
ARNOLD
No question about it. Normally I'm in and out in under fifteen minutes. Some nights I've brought home three or four hundred bucks and a handful of credit cards worth thousands. I'm gonna give that up to stand at a cash register for hours and listen to some dim bulb rag about the expiration date on a box of doughnuts? I don't think so. I have some pride.
EDDY
Fair enough. It's not glamorous work.
ARNOLD
But it's a job. Right? I hear that crap all the time. Tell me this, Mr. Manager. Do you like your job?
EDDY
Sure I do.
ARNOLD
(skeptical)
Uh huh.
EDDY
(long pause)
No. Actually, I hate it. But what difference does that make? I do what I have to do. Like you. I've got alimony payments, car payments, a mortgage....
ARNOLD
You asked me why I don't want to work at your convenience store. There you have it.
EDDY
Okay. Point taken. But the alternative doesn't have to be turning into a criminal.
ARNOLD
Sure. A person like me has other choices. Welfare. Suicide. Drugs.
EDDY
You're a real "half-empty" kind of guy.
ARNOLD
I'm just a guy who's found a way to make some extra bucks. This is America, and I'm an entrepreneur. It's capitalism in action.
EDDY
Yeah. Very Patriotic.
ARNOLD
Okay, I take people's money. But think about this. If I was on welfare, I'd still be taking your money in taxes. Or I get into drugs. I'm arrested, go through the courts then jail. Again, you're paying for every step of that process. Even suicide. I don't have a will or money to bury myself. Someone's gonna have to pick up the tab.
EDDY
Me.
ARNOLD
Now you're getting it. I pay my bills, even pay taxes, and I'm not costing you anything...except what I take from you tonight. But consider it a one time payment that keeps me off of welfare, and keeps your taxes down. From an economics standpoint, it really makes sense.
EDDY
Mmmm.
ARNOLD
And, it's to your benefit that I don't get caught and put into the judicial system, becauseÑ
EDDY
I pay for it with taxes.
ARNOLD
The cost to house a federal inmate is up to $40,000 annually. Part of that is your money.
EDDY
This is all very fascinating, but there is one small flaw in your reasoning.
ARNOLD
Really. And what's that?
EDDY
Taxes are a shared cost. Everyone who works pays taxes, so theoretically, no one has to shoulder more than their fair share of paying for things like sewers, garbage disposal, roads and so forth. Now if by stealing money from me tonight that keeps you off of welfare, all fine and good, except for the fact that I end up paying more than...say, my friend Oscar, down the street, since you're not robbing his house. Your argument only makes sense if you rob everyone. Then it would be fair.
Arnold raises his revolver and shoots Elmer several times.
ARNOLD
(angrily, to himself, as he starts searching through drawers)
Damn liberal Democrats are going to ruin this country yet.
FADE TO BLACK.
END.
Friday, September 03, 2004
The Children’s Hour
A recent article in the Boston Globe reported White House Chief of Staff Andrew Card saying that Bush thinks of America as a 10-year old child in need of a father figure. The remark is both hopelessly condescending and absolutely backwards. Today’s Republican party, represented by George W. Bush, is not the party of father figures, but of 10-year olds.
It doesn’t take a psychologist to analyze the beliefs of many Republicans, just hang around with a 10-year old and you’ll gain all the understanding you need. Children see themselves as the center of the universe. What they want is paramount. The needs of others are secondary, sometimes ignored all together. They feel persecuted—teachers don’t like them, parents are more like police, siblings exist only to torment them. It’s an egocentric world-view where rationality and self-reflection are absent.
The “me first” attitude of conservatives is most apparent when it comes to taxes. Although the income tax rate in the U.S. is among the lowest of industrialized nations, the “cut taxes” mantra is chanted at every Republican gathering from Portland, Maine to Portland, Oregon. Republicans have convinced themselves that those in need are lazy, those who seek services are frauds and those who are poor deserve it. It’s a very comforting illusion that positions taxpayers as victims. The underlying theme, however, is plain old selfishness. The 10-year old doesn’t see the benefit to herself of helping others. What’s in it for me? She wonders. Although she may grudgingly help around the house, it doesn’t occur to her that the household runs smoothest when there is a team/family effort. Doing the dishes isn’t just for her, but for the good of the family. Adults don’t necessarily enjoy doing dishes, but, with the benefit of maturity, they realize that it is part of the sacrifice necessary for the family to function. This isn’t communist ideology, but a simple fact of life. Still, children don’t appreciate it.
Children also don’t appreciate “difference.” A 10-year old would rather die than be seen as “different” from her peers, and will join with others to ridicule kids who actually are different. Geek. Dork. Wuss. Teacher’s Pet. Homo—these just some of insults hurled to set others apart and easily classify people. Conservatives, although they use more sophisticated code words, indulge in the same practice. For a period of years, “Liberal” became virtually a curse word, so much so that even liberals were afraid of it. Other words in the Republican lexicon used to classify undesirables include “immigrants,” “welfare moms,” “America haters,” “socialists” and “elitists.”
Then there's the smart kid in class. You know, the kid who has all the answers, gets “As” and reads baseball novels instead of playing baseball. Generally not Miss or Mr. Popularity. Likewise, grown up Conservatives loathe intellectuals, those smarty-pants Ivory-tower types who waste tax money on worthless research when they’re not spouting Marxist philosophy in the classroom. It doesn’t seem to matter that without learned women and men we wouldn’t have reached the moon, found cures for diseases or enjoyed great works of art and literature.
Like children, Conservatives as represented by Bush see the world in black and white, good and evil. It’s a world of high emotion and low reflection, where dogmatic belief and wishful thinking supplant rationale thought, and where infatuation and hero-worship are mistaken for mature love.
As long as Bush remains in office, it continues to be the children’s hour in America. If we truly want a father figure or simply more mature leadership, we’re going to have to turn elsewhere this November.
It doesn’t take a psychologist to analyze the beliefs of many Republicans, just hang around with a 10-year old and you’ll gain all the understanding you need. Children see themselves as the center of the universe. What they want is paramount. The needs of others are secondary, sometimes ignored all together. They feel persecuted—teachers don’t like them, parents are more like police, siblings exist only to torment them. It’s an egocentric world-view where rationality and self-reflection are absent.
The “me first” attitude of conservatives is most apparent when it comes to taxes. Although the income tax rate in the U.S. is among the lowest of industrialized nations, the “cut taxes” mantra is chanted at every Republican gathering from Portland, Maine to Portland, Oregon. Republicans have convinced themselves that those in need are lazy, those who seek services are frauds and those who are poor deserve it. It’s a very comforting illusion that positions taxpayers as victims. The underlying theme, however, is plain old selfishness. The 10-year old doesn’t see the benefit to herself of helping others. What’s in it for me? She wonders. Although she may grudgingly help around the house, it doesn’t occur to her that the household runs smoothest when there is a team/family effort. Doing the dishes isn’t just for her, but for the good of the family. Adults don’t necessarily enjoy doing dishes, but, with the benefit of maturity, they realize that it is part of the sacrifice necessary for the family to function. This isn’t communist ideology, but a simple fact of life. Still, children don’t appreciate it.
Children also don’t appreciate “difference.” A 10-year old would rather die than be seen as “different” from her peers, and will join with others to ridicule kids who actually are different. Geek. Dork. Wuss. Teacher’s Pet. Homo—these just some of insults hurled to set others apart and easily classify people. Conservatives, although they use more sophisticated code words, indulge in the same practice. For a period of years, “Liberal” became virtually a curse word, so much so that even liberals were afraid of it. Other words in the Republican lexicon used to classify undesirables include “immigrants,” “welfare moms,” “America haters,” “socialists” and “elitists.”
Then there's the smart kid in class. You know, the kid who has all the answers, gets “As” and reads baseball novels instead of playing baseball. Generally not Miss or Mr. Popularity. Likewise, grown up Conservatives loathe intellectuals, those smarty-pants Ivory-tower types who waste tax money on worthless research when they’re not spouting Marxist philosophy in the classroom. It doesn’t seem to matter that without learned women and men we wouldn’t have reached the moon, found cures for diseases or enjoyed great works of art and literature.
Like children, Conservatives as represented by Bush see the world in black and white, good and evil. It’s a world of high emotion and low reflection, where dogmatic belief and wishful thinking supplant rationale thought, and where infatuation and hero-worship are mistaken for mature love.
As long as Bush remains in office, it continues to be the children’s hour in America. If we truly want a father figure or simply more mature leadership, we’re going to have to turn elsewhere this November.
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