Monday, May 15, 2006

October Surprise Unveiled: U.S. to Invade Mexico

President Bush announced he is deploying National Guard troops to the United States border with Mexico. The President said the troops were being sent to help beleaguered border guards staunch the flow of illegal aliens crossing into the United States. The real reason, and you heard it here first, is that we are preparing to invade Mexico.

The plan, as leaked to “That’s Going Too Far!,” is to descend upon our southern neighbor with a shock and awe military campaign (code name: Salsa Storm) and annex Mexican land to approximately the 20th parallel just north of Mexico City. The objective of the entire campaign is to create a U.S./Mexican border that is only 450 miles long, as opposed the current border, which stretches an unmanageable 2,000 miles.

Surprisingly, Mexican President Vincente Fox has been apprised of the invasion, and has agreed to order only token resistance. “The rebuilding of my country by the U.S. after the invasion, and the resulting jobs and influx of investment capital,” Fox is said to have told U.S. military negotiators, “will be a far greater benefit than the loss of a lot of worthless desert.” Mexicans living north of Mexico City have been ordered by the government to treat American troops as a liberating army.

Carlos Hernandez, who lives in the town of Piedras Negras, only a short distance from the U.S. border, said he and his family are excited they will soon be invaded. “We’ll be automatic U.S. citizens. I’m hoping to sell my land to realtors who will build condos.” His wife Rita adds, “My cousin, Juan, who lives in Texas, is in the National Guard. I wrote him and said that if he is attacking villages close by, to stop in for lemonade.”

Critics within the administration have raised questions about plans for post-war Mexico, but Bush has reportedly brushed aside these concerns, stating that one only need look at Donald Rumsfeld’s Iraq experience to know that the Secretary of Defense will do a stellar job in Mexico.

A date for the invasion will be publicly announced on an upcoming FOX News special entitled: “God’s Orders: Smite The Brown Menace.”

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