A heart attack? Right. Not buying it for a second. How can a person without a heart have a heart attack? Facing the possibility of 30 years in jail at his October sentencing, Ken conveniently up and dies from coronary heart disease while vacationing in Colorado. All a coincidence? I don’t think so, and neither do a lot of other people. So here, then, is my list of theories as to what really happened to Ken at his house in Old Snowmass, Colorado. Some of these conjectures can be found elsewhere in cyber space, and some are my own.
1. He faked his death, had plastic surgery, and will live out the rest of his life farming radishes in Lichtenstein.
2. He was murdered by government agents to keep him from bargaining for leniency at sentencing time with “embarrassing” information about his oily acquaintances.
3. Over the last four years he had some of the world’s best scientist working in his basement laboratory creating Ken Clone, who now lies in a casket.
4. He’s hiding in the sub-basement of the White House and meets with Cheney daily.
5. Moments before death he was sealed in a cylinder of cryogenic preserving fluids with his cat, Mr. Bigglesworth.
6. Overcome by the thought of never seeing his true love again, he committed suicide and can only be brought back to life with a kiss from Condi Rice. His body lies in state on a marble slab in a forest clearing.