Monday, April 09, 2007
Bush Administration to revise the Constitution
In a bold move that has incensed Democrats, the Bush Administration announced today that it was going to “edit” the United States Constitution to bring it up-to-date.
“The Constitution is 231 years old,” the White House memo argued. “The language is arcane and the sentiments, while worthy in the abstract, do not represent this country’s role in a dangerous world.”
According to the memo, President Bush will be the first to edit or revise the Constitution. He’ll be given a black magic marker and a copy of the document to make his changes. It will then be routed to others in the White House and the Justice Department for their input. “The President is eager to put his “brand” on the historic document,” continues the announcement, “and he has been pouring over historical documents and Tom Clancy novels in preparation.”
A high-level White House advisor, who asked not to be identified, said the effort is merely a logical evolutionary process. “No one drives a car that’s 231 years old. The Constitution is a living document that requires a new lease on life every couple of centuries. It’s not like we’re tossing it in the garbage and starting from scratch.”
On receiving the White House memo, Congressional Democrats were observed tearing at their clothes and shrieking uncontrollably throughout the halls of the Capital Building. Harry Reid, his face a brilliant shade of purple, stammered, “Impeachment…horse crap…lightning bolt…rain fire from heaven….” Comments from other Democrats could not be deciphered or repeated in a family newspaper.
Late in the day, the White House issued a follow-up memo amid the uproar, clarifying that the President would make his changes with a red magic marker, and not a black one.