Cheney gives unprecedented tour of “Veep Cave”

Two weeks ago, Vice President Dick Chaney gave Washington Times reporter Bob Cobb an exclusive, first ever tour of the VP’s secure residence where he stays between speeches and appearances on talk shows. The location is obviously top secret, and Cobb had to endure hours wearing a blindfold and earplugs before reaching his destination.

Once the blindfold was removed, Cobb stood in the main room of what he described as, “Batman’s wet dream.” Cheney began his tour with some background on the cavernous structure.

Cheney – Amazing, isn’t it? This is the main room. There is 200 feet of rock between the ceiling and the planet’s surface. Air purifiers are located in hidden mine shafts guarded 24-hours a day. There’s a massive tunnel system, and I can travel from here to just about anywhere in the U.S. underground.

Cobb – How often has the president been here?

Cheney – He doesn’t know where it is, and I prefer it that way.

Cobb – I imagine you could live through just about anything down here.

Cheney – What do you mean by that? Did someone say something to you about nuclear war? Give me names.

Cobb – Please calm down, sir. No one said anything about nuclear war. Except you.

Cheney – Don’t get cute. Over there is a fully equipped cardiology unit I extracted from an East Coast hospital. The staff can be a bit grumpy about missing family and such, but goddamn it, this is national security. One has to question their priorities. And that hallway there leads to my small game park.

Cobb – Oh. Is that in order to save certain species should a disaster happen?

Cheney – No. It’s to shoot rabbits and squirrels and stray cats. I can’t go 48 hours without killing something. Would you like to stay for dinner?

Cobb – Uh, where do you sleep?

Cheney – Sleep?

Cobb – How about a kitchen? Do you have one of those?

Cheney – Over there is the doorway to a five-star restaurant I named “The Last Supper Club.” Clever. Huh? Jacket and tie required.

Cobb – And what’s through that hallway?

Cheney – My state-of-the-art torture chamber and gym. Kills two birds with one stone, so to speak.

Cobb – Well, Mr. Vice President, this has been fascinating, but I am on deadline. Can we head back to the surface now?

Cheney – I’m sorry, Mr. Cobb, but that won’t be possible. You’ll have to send your story from here.

Cobb – What? When can I leave?

Cheney – Uh, never. You’ve seen what no other man on earth has seen and lived to tell about, so I’m afraid you’ll have to stay here now. Or be shot. Come on, the special tonight is rabbit stew. Killed it myself. Mmmmm.