New White House poll Gives Bush 95% Approval Rating

Washington, D.C. – Surprising new poll numbers show George Bush has a 95% approval rating, up some seventy points from previous polls. These numbers fly in the face of numerous nationally recognized polls that have placed Mr. Bush at historically low ratings among presidents.

Asked about this astonishing leap, a White House spokesman explained the numbers this way. “This poll was taken of a cross section of American people who just happen to work in the White House. Women, men, whites….and others, the vast majority agree that President Bush is doing a bang up job.”

A question was raised about the validity of polling members of the White House staff. The spokesman dismissed the concerns as “typical liberal bias.” He assured the assembled reporters that this was a voluntary, totally random poll.

The redacted survey was circulated among reporters at the news conference. Question number seven was: “President Bush has never made a mistake while in office. Do you believe George Bush has ever made a mistake?” Question eleven: “Jesus Christ walked on water. George Bush cleared brush. This means Jesus Christ and George Bush are spiritual coequals. True or False.”

The tabulated results of the survey have been classified as top secret, but Department of Justice lawyers have certified the results as accurate and true.

Congressional Dems to Grill Rove During Golf Outing

Washington, D.C. - Backing off their insistence that former Bush advisor Karl Rove appear before congress and testify under oath, a spokesperson for Representative John Conyers said today that congressional Democrats have decided to change their tactics.

“We’ve decided that a non-confrontational approach will yield better results. Congressional leaders will interview Mr. Rove about his participation in the Valerie Plame outing at the Renditions Golf Club in Davidsonville, Maryland in three weeks. Our feeling is that we will garner better information in a relaxed atmosphere without the pressure of a subpoena or being under oath. We feel vindicated by the fact that Mr. Rove agreed immediately.”

Questioned about whether this approach was too lenient based on the gravity of the accusations, the spokesman scoffed.

“Believe me, Rove will be thoroughly questioned during our time on the links. The fact that this won’t be recorded or written down is of no consequence in the bigger scope of things. Listen, there’s a small element of radical bloggers out there who won’t be satisfied with anything less than a public lynching, but that’s not the way we work.”

According to the spokesperson, the day will end with a reception in Rove’s honor at the clubhouse.

McCain Shocker: “Pillsbury Doughboy My Son”

Memphis, TN - In a tear-filled admission during a town hall meeting in Memphis yesterday, Republican presidential candidate John McCain confessed that he was the father of the popular television icon the Pillsbury Doughboy.

“I made a mistake many years ago, and it’s time I set the record straight. PD, as I call him, is my son from an affair with a young baker, who’s name I will not divulge. I supported the two financially until PD established himself in the advertising industry, and he and I have maintained close ties over the intervening years.”

McCain’s confession was sparked by his refusal to eat a crescent roll given to him by a supporter. “He cradled the roll gently in his hands and started to sob,” said Janice Freeburg, who baked the rolls in honor of McCain’s visit. “I thought I’d done something wrong until Mr. McCain began whispering to it.”

Apparently, the memories welled up in McCain, making it impossible for him to ignore the subject any longer. “I’m not proud of my behavior, but I am very proud of my son. Despite coming from a single-parent home, and being a small white glob of dough, he overcame these obstacles to achieve success in his field.”

Asked whether this revelation will hurt McCain in his bid for the presidency, a spokesperson for the candidate responded. “Not at all. Everybody loves PD. In fact, we are scheduling some joint appearances in the near future. And no, Mr. McCain will not poke his son in the belly.”

The Obama camp offered no comment on the news, however reporters covering the Democrats campaign were treated to a biscuits and gravy breakfast courtesy of the candidate.

McCain Soils Self, Blames Obama

New York City - During an interview today with FOX News anchor Connie Jobs, McCain advisor Burt Simpleton admitted that McCain suffered from incontinence and had been embarrassed on more than one occasion while campaigning. Simpleton claimed that this wasn’t actually a health issue, but the result of a curse placed on the Republican presidential candidate by the Obama camp.

“There’s no question they are using Voodoo and other forms of sinister magic to attack Mr. McCain and weaken him. They will stoop to anything to win, so placing a curse on an opponent is simply business as usual for them.”

Jobs agreed with Simpleton’s assessment of the situation, but asked if he had any actual proof Obama was practicing the dark arts.

“Of course. We have video of a ceremony conducted in a hotel room in Tulsa that clearly shows animal sacrifice and the drinking of blood. After this, a doll resembling Mr. McCain is torn to shreds by drug-crazed staffers and this is followed by a sexual orgy that would shock Bill Clinton. Unfortunately, due to the graphic nature of the film, we cannot make it public.”

The curse, according to Simpleton, also affects McCain’s memory and reasoning abilities. “It has the power to make McCain sound uninformed and out of touch,” said Simpleton. “We won’t take this lying down. We are developing a counter curse as I speak.”

Laura Bush gives up tap dancing to honor troops

Washington D.C. - First Lady Laura Bush announced today that she has given up tap dancing as her way of honoring our troops in Iraq and Afghanistan.

“I am taking my cue from the president who courageously gave up golf, a game he loves so much,” said Laura in a memo to the press. “We should all be willing to sacrifice for our brave men and women in uniform. I love tap dancing, although I haven’t actually done it in thirty years. The point is, I now officially declare that I will not strap on my taps, if I ever found them while cleaning, until every last soldier is home safe.”

Advisors to the First Lady had warned her that images of her tap dancing might send the wrong message to our troops overseas.

“It pains me deeply that soldiers serving in Iraq and Afghanistan cannot tap dance when they want to. That is a freedom they are fighting to preserve for all of us and I salute them for it. I want the troops to know that I support them, so I will tap dance no more.”

An unnamed source close to Mrs. Bush said she will continue doing the Samba, but will cut back on interpretive jazz dancing.