Precious

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Priorities

Gotta have heart

The Rick Santorum Show

Spec script for the TV sitcom, “The Rick Santorum Show”

FADE IN:

INT. THE SANTORUM HOUSE — DAY

Rick enters the 50s style house after a day’s work.

RICK

I’m home.

Wife Cynthia and children Peter (age 6), Paul (age 12) and Mary (age 17) enter.

MARY

What a blessing. Father is home.

CYNTHIA leans in to kiss Rick on the cheek, but he pulls away.

RICK

Not in front of the children, Dear.

CYNTHIA

Forgive me.
(Rick slaps Cynthia’s face)

Thank you.

RICK

What smells so good?

MARY

Mother has made a roast.

RICK

I would prefer meatloaf.

CYNTHIA

Yes, Dear. Just give me a minute.

RICK
(To Cynthia)

Clock’s ticking.

Cynthia exits to the kitchen, head bowed.

MARY

Father, a boy has asked me to the dance on Saturday.

RICK
(Sitting down and picking up a newspaper)

You told him “no” I presume. Dancing is just another form of pornography. You know that.

MARY

And I’m pregnant.

RICK
(Setting down his paper)

Again?

MARY

A group of Hispanic boys gang raped me.

RICK

Well young lady, you march right up to your room and start thinking of names.

MARY

Yes father.

Mary exits.

PAUL

Father, what’s a liberal?

RICK

Where did you hear that word?

PAUL

At school. The teacher said some people are liberals.

RICK

Some people are serial killers, too. We don’t use that word in our house.

PAUL

Yes, father.

RICK

I’ll have a word with your teacher about this tomorrow. Now go read your bible until dinner is ready.

The two boys exit and Cynthia enters from the kitchen.

CYNTHIA

Dinner will be done shortly. Gloria stopped by for coffee today. She was actually surprised that I didn’t know how to read.

RICK

Why would any woman need to know how to read?

CYNTHIA

That’s exactly what I said. But she said I was…what’s the word? A cunt. She said I was an ignorant cunt.

RICK
(Lost in his newspaper)

Mmm.

CYNTHIA
Of course, I didn’t understand what she was talking about, but then she got one of our butcher knives and cut her wrists, screaming “I can’t live in this world anymore.” Right out there in our kitchen. She was having a bad day. Took me hours to clean up all of the blood. Oh, and I baked a pecan pie.

RICK

You know that my favorite is apple.

CYNTHIA

Yes, Dear. I’ll get right to that.

Cynthia exits.

I can't always explain myself

The Beach is Back

Rush Limbaugh’s apology to Sandra Fluke translated

For over 20 years, I have illustrated the absurd with absurdity [I have railed against reality with comments that in most other first-world countries would get me involuntarily committed], three hours a day, five days a week [you think it’s easy being batshit crazy every day? It's exhausting.]. In this instance, I chose the wrong words in my analogy of the situation [next time I will use the synonym finder]. I did not mean a personal attack on Ms. Fluke [even though it sounded exactly like one].

I think it is absolutely absurd that during these very serious political times [there’s a Marxist Kenyon sitting in the White House, people], we are discussing personal sexual recreational activities before members of Congress [who would do that 24-hours a day if we let them]. I personally do not agree that American citizens should pay for these social activities [unless I can watch]. What happened to personal responsibility and accountability [for women]? Where do we draw the line? If this is accepted as the norm, what will follow [if I’m too fat and ugly to get a piece without paying for it, nobody gets a piece]? Will we be debating if taxpayers should pay for new sneakers for all students that are interested in running to keep fit? In my monologue [temper tantrum], I posited that it is not our business whatsoever to know what is going on in anyone's bedroom [unless it involves any activity other than sleeping] nor do I think it is a topic that should reach a Presidential level [what do Kenyan’s know about contraception anyway?].

My choice of words was not the best [floozy or harlot might have worked better], and in the attempt to be humorous [I also think putting kitties in the microwave is a hoot], I created a national stir [rational people got upset]. I sincerely apologize to Ms. Fluke [the slut] for the insulting word choices [ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, hah!].

The one form of birth control Rick Santorum might approve of.