The Rick Santorum Show

Spec script for the TV sitcom, “The Rick Santorum Show”

FADE IN:

INT. THE SANTORUM HOUSE — DAY

Rick enters the 50s style house after a day’s work.

RICK

I’m home.

Wife Cynthia and children Peter (age 6), Paul (age 12) and Mary (age 17) enter.

MARY

What a blessing. Father is home.

CYNTHIA leans in to kiss Rick on the cheek, but he pulls away.

RICK

Not in front of the children, Dear.

CYNTHIA

Forgive me.
(Rick slaps Cynthia’s face)

Thank you.

RICK

What smells so good?

MARY

Mother has made a roast.

RICK

I would prefer meatloaf.

CYNTHIA

Yes, Dear. Just give me a minute.

RICK
(To Cynthia)

Clock’s ticking.

Cynthia exits to the kitchen, head bowed.

MARY

Father, a boy has asked me to the dance on Saturday.

RICK
(Sitting down and picking up a newspaper)

You told him “no” I presume. Dancing is just another form of pornography. You know that.

MARY

And I’m pregnant.

RICK
(Setting down his paper)

Again?

MARY

A group of Hispanic boys gang raped me.

RICK

Well young lady, you march right up to your room and start thinking of names.

MARY

Yes father.

Mary exits.

PAUL

Father, what’s a liberal?

RICK

Where did you hear that word?

PAUL

At school. The teacher said some people are liberals.

RICK

Some people are serial killers, too. We don’t use that word in our house.

PAUL

Yes, father.

RICK

I’ll have a word with your teacher about this tomorrow. Now go read your bible until dinner is ready.

The two boys exit and Cynthia enters from the kitchen.

CYNTHIA

Dinner will be done shortly. Gloria stopped by for coffee today. She was actually surprised that I didn’t know how to read.

RICK

Why would any woman need to know how to read?

CYNTHIA

That’s exactly what I said. But she said I was…what’s the word? A cunt. She said I was an ignorant cunt.

RICK
(Lost in his newspaper)

Mmm.

CYNTHIA
Of course, I didn’t understand what she was talking about, but then she got one of our butcher knives and cut her wrists, screaming “I can’t live in this world anymore.” Right out there in our kitchen. She was having a bad day. Took me hours to clean up all of the blood. Oh, and I baked a pecan pie.

RICK

You know that my favorite is apple.

CYNTHIA

Yes, Dear. I’ll get right to that.

Cynthia exits.