Beware Your Garden Ornaments

GNOMBIES!

The mystery of the close campaign

Two men are running for president, but only one of the candidates

• Is an unrepentant member of the 1%
• Remains clueless about how the rest of us are affected by the current economic situation
• Wants tax breaks for wealthiest Americans, higher taxes for the rest of us
• Advocates totally unrealistic and unworkable policies related to fixing the economy. Most economists agree his policies will inevitably make things worse
• Has no true political convictions. Long record of saying anything to get elected
• Attacks Obama for policies he once supported
• Allows religious beliefs to take precedent over logic, analysis and science
• Has vowed he will take us back to failed Bush-era policies
• Opposes any rationale discussion related to the failed war on drugs
• Wants to provide more money to an already bloated Defense budget while cutting essential safety net programs
• Doesn’t mind a man having more than one wife, but opposes gay marriage
• Claims to want government out of people’s lives yet promotes policies that allow government to control women’s medical choices
• Won’t openly reject Donald Trump’s insane birther rants
• Is a member of a religious group that believes Jesus came to America and that a woman can’t get into heaven unless the spirit of her husband calls her name. Oh, and there’s the polygamy thing, too

Yet this presidential campaign remains close, according to the media. Why?

Name That Band

This band played at a high school prom in 1971. Who is it? (Dan H., you are disqualified.)

Okay. Maybe it's just too obvious it's ZZTop. It's just a shame that no one gets to collect the $1 million prize money. Better luck next time.

It's never too early

I ran across the perfect Christmas gift for all of my nieces and nephews. It's fun, realistic and educational. What more could you ask for?

Swiss Miss?

Mmmm. Congresswoman Michele Bachmann, my state’s most photogenic lunatic, and her family are now Swiss citizens, holding dual citizenship with the U.S.A. This means she can run for political office in Switzerland if she so desires. Her husband is of Swiss descent, and her explanation for seeking citizenship in the tiny European country is that “…some of our children wanted to exercise their eligibility for dual-citizenship so we went through the process as a family."

That’s where the “Mmmm” comes in. Why would this fervent supporter of American exceptionalism, this cheerleader for America no matter what it does, this evangelical Christian who believes the U.S. has been chosen by God to lead the world, want to be a citizen of another country?

Well, here’s something interesting to chew on. Switzerland is listed as one of the top ten “hideout” countries in the world by “Ask Men” magazine, even though it does have an extradition treaty with the U.S. Despite the fact he confessed to having sex with a thirteen-year old girl, Switzerland refused to extradite film director Roman Polanski to the United States in 2010.

Mmmm. Maybe husband Marcus just feels more at home yodeling in a pair of lederhosen?

Mitt Goes Native

In his ongoing attempts to overcome the “elitist” label, presidential candidate Mitt Romney spent time at a neighborhood café in a Derry, New Hampshire mingling with the decidedly blue-collar patrons. A portion of his conversations were recorded.

ROMNEY

(Shaking hands with a middle-aged man)

Hello there. Mitt Romney. How are you doing?

MAN

I’ll be better after I wash my hand.

ROMNEY

You know, that’s interesting. My wife is a great believer in personal hygiene. She’s vacationing in the south of France right now, but we spoke about this very subject on the phone last night. Hygiene. And what about the problems America faces today? Don’t you think we need better leadership in Washington?

MAN

What I need is a way to make my social security check stretch to the end of the month. And a car that’ll start in the winter.

ROMNEY

Exactly. There’s Obama’s legacy right there. I have a car or two that has trouble starting in cold weather. I feel your pain. We need to dig for more oil right now and stop apologizing for America. What’s that you’re having there?

MAN

It’s called a cheeseburger and fries.

ROMNEY

Exotic local cuisine. Interesting.

(Turns to a woman in the next booth)

Hi there. Mitt Romney. Do you own your own home?

WOMAN

Yeah, but it’s not easy making the mortgage payments.

ROMNEY

How do you do it?

WOMAN
Well, I scrimp on things…skip a meal now and then.

ROMNEY
No, I mean survive with only one house? It must be devastating. I’m going to fix that as President. It’s time for a new beginning in Washington.

MAN

(Calling out from another booth)

My daughter can’t afford to go to college. What are you going to do about that?

ROMNEY

Ah, good question. I have a three-point plan designed expressly to address the issue of high college costs. First, ask your parents for money. Hey, it worked for me. Second, look for a less expensive college. Can’t afford Harvard? There’s probably a community college right down the street. Third, forget college. It’s nothing but an assembly line for turning out communists and Marxists anyway. Read the bible.

MAN

How’s a person supposed to get a good job by reading the bible?

ROMNEY

Thank you all for your time. I feel we’ve really connected here today, and I want you to know that I truly feel your pain. And—

MAN

How much does your watch cost?

ROMNEY

This old thing? Around ten grand, I suppose. I know. You’re asking yourself why a guy like me would wear such a piece of junk? It’s a funny story. I was skiing in St. Tropez a few years ago…

(Several members of Romney’s campaign staff guide Romney quickly out of the café and into his waiting limo)

You're a biker?