Dawn of Man.
“All of a sudden this guy just jumps out of a tree and starts running across the Veldt on two legs. I scribbled my thoughts on a stone, but someone picked up the damn thing and threw it at the running guy.”
Crucifixion of Christ.
“It was a moment all journalists face at some point in their careers. Do I record the event or do I intervene? I decided it was more important that the rest of the world hear this amazing story than get stabbed by a spear. Those Roman soldiers didn’t play around.”
The American Revolution.
“I was embedded with colonial troops under the command of William Prescott at Bunker Hill. We put up a valiant effort against the pesky Brits, but eventually had to retreat. That’s what I was told, as I had retreated to the Cock and Hound pub earlier to gather my faculties.”
The Civil War.
“Bullets whizzed by me as I crouched behind a tree stump at Gettysburg. Fortunately, General Grant was hiding with me and I got one of the best interviews of my life. He was drunk, of course, but so damn genuine.”
World War I.
“I was in the trenches on the Western Front. The Germans were lobbing grenades and insults from a nearby position when I suddenly found myself at the wrong end of a bayonet. Fortunately, it was one of our guys accusing me of being a coward. When I explained I was a journalist covering the war, he laughed so hard and so loud he was picked off by a German sniper.”
World War II.
“Although I covered the war from a fortified bunker in Manhattan, I can tell you that I saw pictures of dead and wounded soldiers that would rip your heart out. I wrote a dispatch about one of my tears falling on a grainy photo taken at the Battle of the Bulge.”
Watts, Selma, Vietnam, Kosovo, Iraq, Afghanistan…yeah, that’s right. O’Reilly was there!