Working for George

Working for George Bush sure would be sweet. No matter how much you fuck up, you’ve got a job. All you have to do is lie to him a little (No, man, you’re really smart.) and not bad-mouth him to others and you could murder somebody and not get fired. In fact, if you are extremely good at kissing his ass, you can screw up royally and get promoted or be awarded the Medal of Freedom. How awesome is that?

If Bush likes you, you can do no wrong. He believes that every single decision he makes is the right decision, so if you’re hired by Bush, you must be the best person for the job, despite any contradictory evidence. You can lie, cheat, steal, and break a dozen laws, no matter. Bush will keep you safe and on the payroll.

Congress? I can’t hear you.

Department of Justice? You know where you can stick your subpoena.

Special prosecutor? You’re fired!

Once a friend of Bush, always a friend of Bush. If Jeffrey Daumer had been a friend of Bush’s, he’d be alive and running the Center for Food Safety and Applied Nutrition. Heckuva job, Jeff. Is it any wonder to anyone why Bush was such a lousy businessman?

Laura left behind

Washington D.C. – An embarrassed White House admitted today that First Lady Laura Bush had been inadvertently left behind in the Guatemalan village of Iximche while touring Mayan ruins during the President’s Latin American visit.

A White House spokesperson said the incident was unfortunate, but not unprecedented. “Other members of the Presidential party have been left behind in the past. During a 2004 visit to Europe, we lost a senior NSA member for two weeks in Greece.”

Asked how Mrs. Bush’s absence could go undetected for three days, White House press secretary Tony Snow defended the President, saying, “This is the leader of the free world, ladies and gentlemen. A man with that amount of responsibility can be excused for misplacing his wife from time to time. Laura is a quiet, dignified woman who, on occasion, can make herself invisible. It’s a Texas thing.”

A spokesperson for the First Lady said that she is fine and in good spirits. “There was no panic on Laura’s part. She was well taken care of by the lovely Guatemalan villagers, and wrote this ‘thank you’ note to her new Latin American friends: I want to thank everyone in the village of Iximche for your hospitality and kindness. You made my stay in your lovely country one to remember. I want to extend a special ‘thank you’ to the Dutch soccer team sightseeing at the ruins. Players entertained me for hours on end with their amazing ball handling skills and…glistening, finely chiseled athletic bodies. Franz, I’ll never forget you…”

President Bush did not comment on the incident itself, but did thank the Mayan descendants who later purified the ruins for not ripping out Laura’s heart on a stone altar.

The Rite of Exorcism of Conservatives

Exorcism of a Conservative Entity is a dangerous and difficult procedure, and can only be performed by a House or Senate Democrat who has at least a 90 percent progressive voting record.

It is essential that the Democrat who is performing the ritual prepare adequately for the event. There may be no contact with lobbyists 36 hours prior to the ceremony. The mind must be purified through readings of the New Yorker, Harper’s, The Nation, and select liberal blogs. An exercise regimen is recommended as the ritual can be physically draining.

Once preparations are complete, one must assemble the materials needed for the actual exorcism.

Copy of Darwin’s The Origin of Species.

Bottle of expensive French champagne to sprinkle on the body

Peace symbol necklace to be worn at all times during the ceremony

CDs to be played during the ritual: Acid Rock, Death Metal, Jazz, Philip Glass, John Cage, anything in French (NO country, pop or accordion music)

The Ritual

Prepare the room with Patchouli incense. Make sure the subject is securely restrained on the bed. When confronted with reality, the Conservative Entity will become violent. Adhere to the following procedure:

Start the music

Sprinkle Champagne on the subject

Drink a glass of Champagne

Call forth the demon with the following phrases: I will raiseth taxes. Church and state will be separate. Global warming is real. The Japanese buildeth better cars. Al Gore in 2008.

Sprinkle Champagne

Drink a glass of Champagne

Once the demon acknowledges you, read passages from The Origin of Species, interspersed with liberal slogans (Make love, not war. Give peace a chance. Hate is not a family value, etc.)

At this point, the Conservative Entity typically lashes out with epithets like “Commie,” “Pervert sicko,” “Faggot,” or “Jew lover.” You must not become engaged with the entity in a debate. The subject is speaking from a world of unreality and cannot argue reasonably. Attempts to use logic or facts will lead to extreme levels of frustration and anger, which can jeopardize the success of the ritual.

Be strong. Continue the above steps until the Conservative Entity is cast out and the subject can think rationally and coherently. It will take time, so do not be discouraged. Through your efforts, a mind will be saved and the world will be made better through one person’s redemption.

Another McSweeney's reject

Rejected ideas for children’s toys:

Stumbling Blocks

Sorry My Ass

The Glue Factory

Victoria’s Little Secret

Easy Bake Gas Oven

You know you're getting old when...

Every sigh is audible and can be heard up to two rooms away

You change your underwear twice a day

Your children laugh at you, not with you

The only stand-up comics you can name are dead

Putting on your socks requires concentration

Rock music isn’t loud enough

You haven’t seen your back in ten years

You use words you never used before, like “blotches,” “naps,” and “stents.”

You pull a muscle at the dinner table

AARP finds you

You can’t beat your grandkids at arm wrestling

After 40 years you’ve regained a taste for Jell-O

People mistake you for Keith Richards

Why is Bush stirring the hornet's nest?

A disturbing thought crossed my mind today as I considered the speculation around a U.S. attack on Iran. The top military leaders at the Pentagon are against any preemptive action, and there are resignations predicted if Bush starts dropping bombs. Of course, the American people do not support an attack on Iran and the world community is also opposed. There are many possible motives behind Bush’s eagerness to attack yet another sovereign nation, but this is one I hadn’t thought of before. It is horrible to contemplate, but, because we are dealing with madmen in Washington, not too horrible to dismiss.

Is George Bush trying to provoke another 9/11?

The crowning moment of his presidency was standing on top of the World Trade Center rubble with his megaphone surrounded by honest-to-goodness heroes. His polls were up in the 90s. World leaders expressed their unanimous support. It was a point in time when America and the world looked for guidance to the man who had failed miserably at virtually everything else he had done in his life.

The moment would be intoxicating for anyone, but for Bush, it was like winning the lottery and hitting the winning home run in the World Series all wrapped into one. And, because George is George, it all went downhill from there. Today the President faces quagmires in Afghanistan and Iraq, hostile world leaders, a Democratic Congress, polls dipping into the 20s, and more and more criticism from people who once supported him. What to do?

One might desire to quickly and dramatically change the topic. Another 9/11 might do it. A terrorist attack causing massive deaths in America would suddenly put George back in the world spotlight and divert attention from his ongoing blunders. Like him or hate him, he’d be the face of the government.

A large-scale eruption of terrorist violence would also open the door to an option that sends chills up and down the spine of any rational American—martial law. Even those of us who are critical of the administration continually underestimate Bush’s stupidity and Cheney’s malevolence. Declaring martial law would give GW the ultimate control for which he yearns. Bush and company would then have an excuse to round up the liberals, the gays, the unfriendly journalists, and the college professors and provide them all with free housing at gated “resorts” in the Nevada desert.

And then there’s the matter of the 2008 elections. Terrorists have struck again. The United States is in a heightened state of security. The world is in turmoil. The wise thing to do, Glorious Leader tells the American people, is to “postpone” the elections until the situation becomes more stable. Yes, there are soldiers on the streets of Dallas and Boston and Portland, but that is for our own safety and security. There will be national elections again, sometime in the distant future.

George Bush is sticking a twig into the hornet’s nest of the Middle East. Why? The answer may be worse than you ever imagined.

Bachmann Update: Still crazy

That wacky Michele Bachmann is at it again. In a recent interview, she described in detail a SECRET plan by Iran to divide up Iraq and create a “terrorist safe haven zone” called “The Iraq State of Islam.” Of course when questioned later, her office said there actually is no secret plan.

Thank you, fellow Minnesotans of the 6th District, for sending a mentally imbalanced person to Washington who will provide the rest of the country with yuks at our expense for years to come.

Congress must make media concentration a priority

In a totalitarian regime, the government decides what is news—what is true and what is false. They disseminate their “news” through the government-controlled media. In a democracy, there is a middleman known as the free press. The role of the press is to stand between those in power and the people to discern the truth, as best as possible. They have the training, resources, and networks to separate the egg yolk from the white, truth from propaganda, which is what separates us from totalitarian governments around the world.

What we have today is a different model. For a variety of reasons, the balance has shifted and the press no longer serves as the honest broker. Media concentration has resulted in the very large pie being shared by a mere handful of owners. This small group of generally conservative capitalists decides what is news—what is true and what is false—for most Americans. They decide which viewpoints will be heard, which experts to choose, which angle to pursue. As a result, voices that do not mesh with the owners’ capitalist agenda—socialists, gays, feminists, minorities, progressives and liberals—are ignored or attacked.

The “liberal press” is a myth. There may be liberal reporters, but those who own and run the media are anything but liberal. They are businesspeople first, citizens second, and greedy above all. They give the government what it wants through propaganda and friendly press, and the government returns the favor with deregulation and policies that allow owners to enlarge their monopolies. The American people—those whose sole source of news is the mainstream media—get the pleasure of being brainwashed. It’s a win/win/lose situation.

Breaking up the media monopoly needs to be a top agenda item of Congress, and they should start working on this soon. It may be too late for the 2008 elections, which is frightening. Another Republican in the White House for four years will surely mark the end of the American experiment. Unfortunately, the MSM must be forced to incorporate alternative voices and points of view by government. It will not move in this direction on its own.

George Bush: Smirking towards Armageddon

Did you think George Bush couldn’t make things any worse? Reports from the British press are indicating that a strike on Iran could happen within days. Days. How wrong is this?

Striking Iran will set the Middle East on fire. It will increase America’s susceptibility to terrorist attacks a hundred fold. It will drive the price of oil sky high. Bombs are indiscriminant and will kill tens of thousands of Iranians. It will galvanize the Iranian people against us, even those who oppose their own government. It will accelerate the recruitment of more terrorists around the world. It will result in many U.S. casualties because Iran has a far stronger and better-equipped military than Iraq.

How can this be happening, you ask? Don’t ask me, ask your representatives in Congress and the Senate. Ask them how they will end this madness. Tell them that the President and Vice President are completely out of touch with reality and must be restrained. ASAP.

Why conservatives can't do satire

There have been a number of negative reviews of the new FOX show “The ½ Hour News Hour.” An attempt by Conservatives to copy the success of The Daily Show, the HHNH tries political satire from a far right perspective, and, as one might guess, fails miserably. I forced myself to watch segments of the show on uTube, and it was as painful as I had imagined it would be.

For all the panning of the show in the media, I have failed to read one critique that accurately explains what the problem is, so I will. Conservatives do not understand irony. Irony is the foundation of satire. If you don’t understand irony, you can never do satire.

The University of Victoria Department of English Writer’s Guide explains it this way: The term irony is derived from the Greek eiron (dissembler), and denotes that the appearance of things differs from their reality, whether in terms of meaning, situation, or action. That is, it is ironical when there is a difference between what is spoken and what is meant, what is thought about a situation and what is actually the case; or what is intended by actions and what is their actual outcome.

Conservatives are not wired to appreciate subtle humor. Conservative comedy is when people slip on banana peels or get hit in the face with a pie. Drawing subtle inferences is simply beyond their abilities.

There are no jabs or barbs directed at Bush or Cheney or anyone in the administration in the first installment of HHNH. All the venom is directed at liberals and liberal ideas. Because they don’t understand irony, they don’t see (or refuse to see) the irony in any of Bush’s actions in office. No surge jokes. No one-liners about the inability of the President of the United States to utter a coherent sentence. It’s all about dissing Dems.

What’s clear to all is that the object of HHNH is not humor but revenge. What lies beneath the Obama hits and Hillary swipes is anger, not irony. Irony is part of the human experience. It is not divided down political lines and it is not intended to be used as a bludgeon to smite one’s enemies. If FOX wants to go funny, it should really consider shows more in tune with it’s audience, like remakes of The Beverly Hillbillies or Gilligan’s Island. Big guffaws. Light on irony.

Oh, that helpless feeling

There are millions of Americans out there who feel like I do. They feel as if they are a passenger in a car that has gone out of control on a highway. The car is skidding toward oncoming traffic, and it’s happening in slow motion. Most frightening of all is that the driver seems to be enjoying it.

We are the people who have called and written our representatives, signed petitions, and let it be known to anyone who will listen that Bush and his crew are running this country into the ground. Yet for all we’ve done, America remains on a crash course toward expanded war and mayhem. It seems all we can do now is hold on and wait for the impact.

It’s a horrible feeling of helplessness. Our destiny, perhaps our very lives, is in the hands of madmen who rule just beyond the reach of civilized society, hiding from justice in a haze of lies, obfuscation and deceit. We hoped the people we elected to Congress would stop America’s village idiot from further tearing apart the Constitution, but alas, they sit on the sidelines yapping like Chihuahuas as the burglars ransack the house.

In an emergency situation such as a runaway car, there is only one possible life-saving option, and that is to take the steering wheel from the driver and try and regain control of the vehicle. That means either impeaching Bush and Cheney or forcing them to resign. There really are no other options if we are to avoid more death and destruction.

Please pay me for being stupid

I want to be a conservative pundit.

It’s one of only two jobs in America where you can gain fame and fortune and be wrong about everything. The other is politician.

I can say or write that black is white, up is down, and someone will give me enough money to buy a house in Scarsdale. And a pony.

It has to be a great job because it doesn’t require any thought. In fact, you run the risk of making sense if you think about something for more than a few seconds, and that is a death sentence for a conservative pundit.

Basically, the only job requirement is to say the first thing that comes into your head. Ten times out of ten it’s wrong and stupid, and people will love it.

In fact, the more wrong and stupid it is, the better. Angry white men, your target audience, also love it when you say cruel and hateful things. They enjoy it when you pick on the poor, women, minorities and the Clintons. The more hateful the attack the better. Cruelty towards others makes angry white guys laugh. How hard can that be?

I’m tired of just getting by month after month. It’s time to jump on the stupid train and take the short ride to Hatesville. There’s a pot of gold at the end of that rainbow and it’s mine. ALL MINE.

How D.A.R.E. you!

I attended my 10-year old son’s graduation from D.A.R.E. last night. He was proud of his accomplishment and I congratulated him enthusiastically. It was an hour-and-a-half long event—a very long time to ask a hundred fifth-graders and one fifty-four year old father to sit still—but the kids seemed very into it and were full of D.A.R.E.-loving energy.

A remnant from the early years of the war on drugs, D.A.R.E. is still a mainstay in many U.S. schools despite the fact that a number of studies have shown the program is not effective in reducing drug use. Knowing this put the graduation ceremony in disturbing perspective for me.

The master-of-ceremonies was uniformed Officer Schuveiller, an affable, easy-to-like man who obviously believed in the program. During the course of the evening, Officer Schuveiller mentioned at least three times that he had never smoked, had a beer or taken an illegal drug in his life. Good for him, I thought. He was certainly a better role model than 90 percent of the parents in the audience.

The theme of the evening was abstinence. Students read essays that were all only slight variations on the “I will never, ever, ever, ever…take drugs in my life” theme. Their insistence on this matter was passionate. Drugs kill people. Drugs ruin families. Drugs make you stupid. I will never touch drugs in my life.

You can’t blame the kids. The fact that they are fanatical about something they have no experience with is not their fault. Providing fifth-graders with a six-week abstinence-only sex education course conducted by the local Baptist church would produce similar results.

D.A.R.E. is not education but indoctrination. The program deals in absolutes and sets up standards of behavior that most students can never hope to meet. When they don’t measure up to the perfect Officer Schuveiller, when they behave like the fallible human beings they are, we all are, then the guilt sets in.

The program makes a distinction between good drugs and bad drugs, but it is laughably arbitrary, and as the children age, they will all understand this. “My Dad has a drink every night, and he’s the CEO of huge company.” “My brother smokes cigarettes, and he’s a lawyer.” The hypocrisy of the “touch drugs and your life is ruined” approach does not go unnoticed by kids, even at this young age.

And let’s not forget the aura of militarism surrounding the program. The course is run by policemen, not sociologists or drug therapists. Officer Schuveiller showed a video he created that was a collage of photos showing the kids in different settings during the program. One long stretch of shots involved a military helicopter landing in a field next to the school and all the kids lining up to see it and talk to the pilot. What possible connection is there between a military helicopter and an anti-drug program for kids?

None of this is to say that we should encourage children to take drugs. However, drugs are a part of our society and need to be dealt with realistically, not through the filter of a political or religious agenda. When we are hypocritical about drugs and drug use or rely on propaganda and cherry-picked science, as the D.A.R.E. program does, kids get very mixed messages.

D.A.R.E. has always been a band aid over the drug problem championed by reactionary politicians who care more about looking like they’re doing something than actually tackling a very complicated societal issue. Trying to brainwash kids into abstinence will never be successful, and D.A.R.E. should be scraped for a much more realistic, honest approach to drugs.

Troop Throb in Iraq, Says Snow

WASHINGTON DC – At this morning’s briefing, White House press secretary Tony Snow introduced new administration terminology related to the President’s troop surge in Iraq.

“What we’re doing in Iraq is really better described as a throb rather than a full-fledged surge. We want to keep expectations at the throb level, which is only slightly less aggressive than a surge. Our goals remain the same.”

A reporter asked Snow why the latest strategy wasn’t a swell or gush of troops.

“No, we’re not swelling,” asserted Snow. “And we are absolutely not gushing or, I might add, undulating. Let me make that clear. This is a troop throb to secure Baghdad and assist the fledgling government with security.”

Caroline Matthers from the Washington Post asked Snow to clarify exactly how many troops would be inserted as part of the throb.

“That’s one of the reasons why our terminology has shifted slightly. Instead of the 20,000 number previously stated, we will be sending closer to 500 additional troops.”

One reporter asked if that was a strong enough throb to achieve success.

“We believe that the thrust of our throb will be sufficient to fill the security void and help propagate peace in that war torn city.”

Murdoch admits the obvious: We peddle propaganda

It’s come to this. In a recent interview at an economic forum in Switzerland, media mogul Darth Sidious, otherwise known as Rupert Murdoch, was asked if News Corp. had managed to shape the agenda on the war in Iraq. His answer?

“No, I don’t think so. We tried.” Asked to elaborate, he said: “We basically supported the Bush policy in the Middle East…but we have been very critical of his execution.”

Okay, can we now relegate the term “liberal media” to the dustbin of history? We’ve known all along that FOX News was neither fair nor balanced, but now it is revealed that it is part of what can only be described as a worldwide propaganda machine for the conservative agenda.

Is there an outcry from “legitimate” news organizations about this? I haven’t heard it. Maybe that’s because there are no legitimate news organizations left. The deafening silence surrounding Murdock’s remarks among the major media outlets suggest complicity. It’s now generally accepted that the old school of journalism—the search for truth—has been closed, and the new school—infotainment and government cheerleading—has taken its place.

The run-up to the Iraq war is one of the most egregious examples of the new journalism, and it wasn’t just FOX stoking the war engines. All of the network news organizations eagerly hoped on the Bush/Cheney Baghdad express. They all supported the Bush policy in the Middle East, ignoring anyone who dared to criticize the inevitable.

Murdoch spoke the truth for once, but nobody cared. Who needs Pravda when the capitalist propaganda machine operates so smoothly and efficiently?

George is the reason the wheels are coming off the wagon

What is it about Bush and things with wheels? GW is one of three people in the world who have managed to fall off a Segway. He’s had numerous bicycle accidents on the ranch’s back 40. And now, we hear he nearly ran over a host of reporters when he took the controls of a DC-10 tractor while touring a Caterpillar facility. Some have suggested that it was clearly his intention to run over the press corps, but I think that’s giving him more credit for driving ability than is due.

Does he have some type of inner ear problem? Does he make it a point to drink and drive?

It’s more than a little upsetting to know that we have to keep the presidential car keys hidden from the leader of the free world.

I don’t recall hearing anything about Bush crashing a jet fighter during his National Guard days (although, who knows if he really flew anything by himself), so it doesn’t appear that planes are a problem.

Wheels seem to be the trouble here. Perhaps the lack of wheels turning upstairs translates into an inability to make them work downstairs.

I say, “George. You wanna ride? Here’s your safety helmet and an adult 3-wheeler. Have a blast.” But that’s just me.

Today's questions

Has anyone ever seen Dick Cheney in direct sunlight?

Where is Laura Bush?

Is it still a man’s world?

Has anyone in America actually read an Ann Coulter book?

Why haven’t aliens ever tried to abduct me? Am I not good enough for them?

Why doesn’t time ever sit still?

Who would win in a fistfight between George Bush and Hillary Clinton?

Why did my generation get stuck with the worst President in American history?

Decider or decision maker? Americans want answers

Okay. Let’s try and sort this out. First Bush says he’s the decider. Now he tells us he’s the decision maker. So which is it? Decider or decision maker?

If Bush is the decision maker, who’s the decider now?

Is Bush deciding things or making decisions? What if he’s brought a problem that requires a decider, but he’s the decision maker? Does he pass it on to Cheney?

The implications are far reaching. Does he need to get Congressional approval to hire a decider? What would that person’s title be? Decider to the President? Chief Decider?

Who will make the decision whether the White House needs to call in the decider? Will it be case by case or are there going to be strict criteria?

Can the White House out source deciding? Will Americans tolerate a foreign decider?

I call on Bush to clarify these duties and make a firm commitment to being either a decider or a decision maker. The country deserves to know.

Michele Bachmann puts the squeeze on Bush

I’ve blogged before that I suspect our new House member from Minnesota Michele Bachmann is mentally imbalanced based on her bizarre comments during last year’s campaign. My suspicions were further strengthened after her performance at the end of last night’s State of the Union address.

You can see the incident in all its weirdness on YouTube.

Bush has finished his speech and is leaving the chambers, stopping momentarily to shake hands and sign autographs for House members. As he makes his way down the corridor, Bachmann, looking like Mary Tyler Moore hepped up on giddy pills, grabs the President’s shoulder. He gives her a quick autograph and turns his attention to others, but SHE DOESN”T LET GO. She keeps a firm grip on the Prez as he talks to others and gives another woman a peck on the cheek.

Bachmann keeps squeezing the President until he turns back to her and gives her a hug and kiss. Even then, she continues touching his back for several more seconds. The news people at Channel 5 estimated her WWF hold on the Smirking One lasted a full 30 seconds.

I’m surprised Secret Service agents didn’t step in and pull the obviously over-stimulated Bachmann off of Bush.

Evidently, lies and hollow rhetoric turn her on. Sure makes a Minnesotan proud.

The SOTU: An in-depth critique

Everybody in the blogoverse is putting in their two cents about Bush’s SOTU address last night. Here is my analysis:

It sucked.
Bush is a moron.
Our country is sinking deeper into the doo doo.