Wednesday, August 11, 2004

A Day in the Life

Inspired by Daniel Ellsberg’s call to release confidential or secret documents related to the Bush administration, I am publishing a document that just recently came into my possession. It is a page taken directly from George Bush’s personal daily schedule, supplied to him each evening for the next day. Of course, I cannot reveal how I obtained this sensitive document, but I can say without reservation it is the real thing.

6:00 a.m. -- 7:00 a.m.
Wake up, shower, shave, urinate (practice aim and shake well), dress, take medications (DO NOT FORGET)

7:00 a.m. -- 7:45 a.m.
Breakfast (Boo Berries and Gatorade), read comics, practice smirk.

7:45 a.m. – 8:30 a.m.
Morning Briefing — We will call you when it is over.

8:30 a.m. – 9:30 a.m.
Sign a bunch of papers.

9:30 a.m. – 11:00 a.m.
Meet with President Levy Mwanawasa of Zambia (a country in Africa, that big continent that kind of looks like South America but isn’t). Please remember not to use phrases like “darky” or “pickaninny” while speaking with President Mwanawasa. Ignore or deflect questions from the press.

11:00 a.m. – 12:00 a.m.
Greet paraplegic representative for Human Dignity Now organization (do not grimace or make a “Yuck” face and yes, you have to shake his hand). Sign new Republican sponsored legislation designating March 3 as “I’m helpless, but I don’t need government assistance” Day.

12:00 p.m. – 2:00 p.m.
Lunch (Grilled cheese, Fritos, milk, Oreos). Watch Days of Our Lives, Oprah. Nap.

2:00 p.m. – 3:00 p.m.
Afternoon briefing. General Hampton will attend. Please, do not ask to play with his revolver again. And under no circumstances are you to ask questions, unless it’s if you can go to the bathroom. Lead closing prayer (God Bless America, blah, blah, blah, Amen)

3:00 p.m. – 5:00 p.m.
Meet with leaders of Congress regarding Patriot Act II. John will be there to answer most of the questions. Remember DSFFA: Don’t swear, fart or fall asleep. Bring a sketch pad in case you get bored.

5:00 p.m. – 7:00 p.m.
Dinner meeting with select lower-level cabinet members. Two of them are under investigation by Justice, one is under criminal investigation by DC police, three are facing ethics violations, one is a level 3 sex offender, so you’ll notice the tracking device on his wrist. Great bunch of guys you can be yourself with.

7:00 p.m. – 9:00 p.m.
Fundraiser at the Watergate. You know the ground rules: Don’t hit on the staff. Keep to the topics of sports and weather. Don’t grab Laura’s breasts or rear. Don’t double-dip and use a napkin.

9:00 p.m. – 9:05 p.m.
Personal time with Laura.

9:05 p.m. – 10:30 p.m.
Fall asleep in front of TV. Have SS agents carry you to bed and tuck you in with Pookers.

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