Wednesday, August 11, 2004

Election Radar: October Surprise

Buildup to the October Surprise

Many Americans are anticipating some sort of catastrophic event prior to the November elections. Some say it is inevitable based on terrorist "chatter." Others are more skeptical, looking askance at an administration with a record of dirty tricks that is bent on winning at any cost. Predictions abound on the Web, so, being of unsound mind, I am more than willing to spread my own conspiracy theories. I really do love a good conspiracy theory. So here is what I see unfolding over the next few months leading up to election day, and beyond.

August 29 — The Terror Alert jumps to red based on information discovered during an archeological dig in an ancient Sumarian cave. The message, carved into limestone tablets predating Moses, predicts massive plagues and firestorms from heaven in a “Western Land.” “No question this is the work of Al-Qaida,” said Director of Homeland Security Tom Ridge. “It matches their profile to a ‘T’.”

August 30 — Paul Wolfowitz quietly resigns to start a beauty solon franchise called “Spit & Polish.”

September 1 — Kerry/Edwards team dealt a blow when John Edwards is lured into a motel room by a Pamela Andersen look-alike feigning distress over her malfunctioning vibrating bed. An hour later, Republican operatives with cameras burst into the room catching Edwards and faux-Pamela doing the hokey-pokey dressed like TeleTubbies.

September 2 — Rumsfeld leaves government service after being offered a starring role in the upcoming movie, “Grumpy Old Men 3”

September 5 — Bush returns to the White House after a three-week vacation in Texas only to discover his approval rating at a rock bottom 30%. “So I’m supposed to let the ranch go to hell just because I’m running for reelection,” mused Bush. Then, pointing to a reporter, he asked, “Are you going to clear the brush for me?” To which the now missing reporter responded, “You’re a nut case, Mr. President.”

September 8 — Bill O’Reilly hospitalized after attempting to strangle an Iranian diplomat in a New York City hotel elevator. From his hospital bed, O’Reilly argued his case. “The way he looked at me, those eyes…. It all said, ‘I have a bomb in my briefcase and we’re all going to die.’ So I did what any red blooded American would do. I kicked his ass.” Witnesses say it was O’Reilly who got the worst of it, having to be carried out of the hotel on a stretcher. The diplomat suffered only minor bruising to his neck, and is demanding a formal apology.

September 11 — Bush spends the day golfing with brother Jeb in Orlando.

September 20 — Tom Ridge issues “Super-Duper Red” terror alert, a new category created that day. Sales of duct tape and ascension robes skyrocket.

October 9 — Osama Bin Laden captured in Las Vegas casino working as a Black Jack dealer. William Bennett credited with ID.

October 12 — In the only major presidential debate Bush would participate in, Kerry agrees to be sedated, gagged and dressed in a Girl Scout uniform. Bush still manages only a tie, according to pundits.

October 23 — On “Meet the Press,” Dick Cheney says that anyone who doesn’t vote for Bush is a “F**** G***** S********* traitor.” Expletives were not deleted, with network censors claiming, “It all happened so fast.”

October 26 — As Bush poll numbers continue to plummet, terrorist chatter increases. Seven Al-Qaida members arrested while working at Bush reelection campaign offices in New York, Los Angeles and Topeka.

November 1 — Bush declares Marshall law, cancels elections, and goes on vacation to Crawford.

November 2 — Tony Blair outs himself and Bush, declares undying love for his “Brave Little Cowpoke”

November 3 — Democratic party dissolved.

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