Friday, September 30, 2005
Abort Retort
On the September 28 broadcast of his nationally syndicated radio program, Bill Bennett reported that "you could abort every black baby in this country, and your crime rate would go down. That would be an impossible, ridiculous, and morally reprehensible thing to do, but your crime rate would go down." I have a better idea. We could abort every Republican baby in this country and watch our nation’s general IQ go up. It would be an impossible, ridiculous and morally reprehensible thing to do, but we would be a much more intelligent country.
Thursday, September 29, 2005
Last Call
At a Rose Garden ceremony to honor the nation’s kindergarten teachers, a disheveled President Bush shocked the assembled crowd of teachers and children with a profanity-laced speech that ended with the President vomiting on the podium.
Walking unsteadily out of the White House, his shirttails hanging out, the President took to the podium and launched into a policy speech on the need for America to stay the course in Iraq. An aide quickly intervened and seemed to get the befuddled President back on track.
Shortly after welcoming the teachers and students, however, President Bush recalled his own kindergarten teacher, saying he couldn’t remember her name, but that she was a “smelly old b****.” He then recalled that most of his teachers were “a**holes” whose only goal in life was to make him look stupid.
By this point, someone had alerted Laura Bush to the situation, and she came quickly out of the White House and confronted her husband. What she said was inaudible, but Bush’s response was an angry, “I’ll tell you when I’ve had enough to drink. I’m the God****** President of the world.” Children started to cry and angry teachers began hustling classes of kids out of the area.
The event ended in pandemonium when the President vomited on the podium several times before being whisked back into the White House by secret service agents.
Aides of the President would not comment on the incident, other than to say Bush was suffering from a serious case of the flu. The White House did send out a brief memo to reporters stating that further reporting of the incident would seriously undermine America’s battle against terrorism.
Walking unsteadily out of the White House, his shirttails hanging out, the President took to the podium and launched into a policy speech on the need for America to stay the course in Iraq. An aide quickly intervened and seemed to get the befuddled President back on track.
Shortly after welcoming the teachers and students, however, President Bush recalled his own kindergarten teacher, saying he couldn’t remember her name, but that she was a “smelly old b****.” He then recalled that most of his teachers were “a**holes” whose only goal in life was to make him look stupid.
By this point, someone had alerted Laura Bush to the situation, and she came quickly out of the White House and confronted her husband. What she said was inaudible, but Bush’s response was an angry, “I’ll tell you when I’ve had enough to drink. I’m the God****** President of the world.” Children started to cry and angry teachers began hustling classes of kids out of the area.
The event ended in pandemonium when the President vomited on the podium several times before being whisked back into the White House by secret service agents.
Aides of the President would not comment on the incident, other than to say Bush was suffering from a serious case of the flu. The White House did send out a brief memo to reporters stating that further reporting of the incident would seriously undermine America’s battle against terrorism.
Monday, September 12, 2005
Congratulations. You Suck.
Washington, DC – In a high security ceremony today, President Bush presented former FEMA Director Michael Brown and Homeland Security Chief Michael Chertoff with the Presidential Medal of Freedom, the highest governmental award given to civilians. The ceremony went smoothly, but the event was not without its critics.
Controversy has surrounded Mr. Bush’s choices for the Medal of Freedom, with Democrats complaining loudly that the two men had completely botched the government’s response to hurricane Katrina months earlier. However, Vice President Cheney deftly deflected the critics by telling Democrats to, “Go f*** yourselves.”
The President praised the highly effective leadership of Brown and Chertoff during a time of national crisis.
“These two guys took the bull by the horn, rallied around the flag, gave people reason to be proud to be Americans,” said the President, adding, “You know, I don’t think it could have gone any better if I’d been in charge.”
Brown, who had not been seen in public during the last three months, appeared pale and thin. When he spoke, he denied rumors that he had been kept in isolation during this period. “Let me be clear, I have been leading a full, rich life over the past months. Those who say they haven’t seen me, including my wife, are simply mistaken. They have seen me, they just don’t remember.”
Chertoff took his opportunity to speak to heap praise on America and Americans. “This would not be possible in any other country on the planet. We are but lowly public servants, doing our jobs to the best of our abilities. To be so honored for our meager efforts is testament to the greatness of our system and our way of life. Thank you, Mr. President, and God Bless America.”
The ceremony, which was conducted in an underground bunker somewhere near Washington, DC, drew to a hasty conclusion when, during a question and answer period, a reporter asked why after all they had been through with Katrina, there was virtually no federal response to the massive earthquake that had struck San Francisco four days ago.
The President asked, “What earthquake?” as Secret Service agents whisked him off of the podium and through a back door.
Controversy has surrounded Mr. Bush’s choices for the Medal of Freedom, with Democrats complaining loudly that the two men had completely botched the government’s response to hurricane Katrina months earlier. However, Vice President Cheney deftly deflected the critics by telling Democrats to, “Go f*** yourselves.”
The President praised the highly effective leadership of Brown and Chertoff during a time of national crisis.
“These two guys took the bull by the horn, rallied around the flag, gave people reason to be proud to be Americans,” said the President, adding, “You know, I don’t think it could have gone any better if I’d been in charge.”
Brown, who had not been seen in public during the last three months, appeared pale and thin. When he spoke, he denied rumors that he had been kept in isolation during this period. “Let me be clear, I have been leading a full, rich life over the past months. Those who say they haven’t seen me, including my wife, are simply mistaken. They have seen me, they just don’t remember.”
Chertoff took his opportunity to speak to heap praise on America and Americans. “This would not be possible in any other country on the planet. We are but lowly public servants, doing our jobs to the best of our abilities. To be so honored for our meager efforts is testament to the greatness of our system and our way of life. Thank you, Mr. President, and God Bless America.”
The ceremony, which was conducted in an underground bunker somewhere near Washington, DC, drew to a hasty conclusion when, during a question and answer period, a reporter asked why after all they had been through with Katrina, there was virtually no federal response to the massive earthquake that had struck San Francisco four days ago.
The President asked, “What earthquake?” as Secret Service agents whisked him off of the podium and through a back door.
Thursday, September 08, 2005
Are You an American Idiot?
You’ve heard the Green Day song, but do you qualify? What does it take to be an American Idiot? Take this simple True or False test to find out.
1. The Earth is less than 10,000 years old.
2. God uses natural disasters to punish people.
3. Government is inherently evil.
4. A good leader never apologizes.
5. Empathy is a sign of weakness.
6. People who don’t look, talk or act like me cannot be trusted.
7. The ends justify the means.
8. Do as I say, not as I do.
9. I see dead people.
10. The world will end soon.
11. Big corporations always have my best interests in mind.
12. Really rich people deserve what they have.
13. Really poor people deserve what they have.
14. Being patriotic means supporting whatever the government does (ignore #3).
15. Facts do not define my reality.
16. I eat whatever the hell I want to eat.
17. The French are cowards.
18. Hillary Clinton is the Antichrist
19. Liberals hate America.
20. Bill O’Reilly is smarter than Al Franken.
SCORE: True (1-20) Congratulations. You’re an American idiot. False (20) You’re a quiche-eating, terrorist-sympathizing, tear-down-America, Hell-bound, elitist liberal.
1. The Earth is less than 10,000 years old.
2. God uses natural disasters to punish people.
3. Government is inherently evil.
4. A good leader never apologizes.
5. Empathy is a sign of weakness.
6. People who don’t look, talk or act like me cannot be trusted.
7. The ends justify the means.
8. Do as I say, not as I do.
9. I see dead people.
10. The world will end soon.
11. Big corporations always have my best interests in mind.
12. Really rich people deserve what they have.
13. Really poor people deserve what they have.
14. Being patriotic means supporting whatever the government does (ignore #3).
15. Facts do not define my reality.
16. I eat whatever the hell I want to eat.
17. The French are cowards.
18. Hillary Clinton is the Antichrist
19. Liberals hate America.
20. Bill O’Reilly is smarter than Al Franken.
SCORE: True (1-20) Congratulations. You’re an American idiot. False (20) You’re a quiche-eating, terrorist-sympathizing, tear-down-America, Hell-bound, elitist liberal.
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