Congratulations. You Suck.

Washington, DC – In a high security ceremony today, President Bush presented former FEMA Director Michael Brown and Homeland Security Chief Michael Chertoff with the Presidential Medal of Freedom, the highest governmental award given to civilians. The ceremony went smoothly, but the event was not without its critics.

Controversy has surrounded Mr. Bush’s choices for the Medal of Freedom, with Democrats complaining loudly that the two men had completely botched the government’s response to hurricane Katrina months earlier. However, Vice President Cheney deftly deflected the critics by telling Democrats to, “Go f*** yourselves.”

The President praised the highly effective leadership of Brown and Chertoff during a time of national crisis.

“These two guys took the bull by the horn, rallied around the flag, gave people reason to be proud to be Americans,” said the President, adding, “You know, I don’t think it could have gone any better if I’d been in charge.”

Brown, who had not been seen in public during the last three months, appeared pale and thin. When he spoke, he denied rumors that he had been kept in isolation during this period. “Let me be clear, I have been leading a full, rich life over the past months. Those who say they haven’t seen me, including my wife, are simply mistaken. They have seen me, they just don’t remember.”

Chertoff took his opportunity to speak to heap praise on America and Americans. “This would not be possible in any other country on the planet. We are but lowly public servants, doing our jobs to the best of our abilities. To be so honored for our meager efforts is testament to the greatness of our system and our way of life. Thank you, Mr. President, and God Bless America.”

The ceremony, which was conducted in an underground bunker somewhere near Washington, DC, drew to a hasty conclusion when, during a question and answer period, a reporter asked why after all they had been through with Katrina, there was virtually no federal response to the massive earthquake that had struck San Francisco four days ago.

The President asked, “What earthquake?” as Secret Service agents whisked him off of the podium and through a back door.