Bush Goes to Hell, Part Deux

When we last left the soul of the late George Bush, a mysterious phone call helped secure his release from Satan’s claws and an eternity of suffering in Hell (2/26/05). However, before you could say, “Fool me once and…uh, but fool me twice, but…can’t fool…uh…,” George is back in the presence of the Prince of Darkness.

SATAN

Well, by my cloven hooves. George Bush.

BUSH

(Standing, brushing himself off) Beezlebarb.

SATAN

That’s Beelzebub. But who cares? You’re back. Food not to your liking?

BUSH

Very funny.

SATAN

Come on, George.

BUSH

You have to do this idiotic “Life Review” before you get an entrance pass. So, okay, things are dicey from the beginning, with the booze and privileged life and yada, yada, yada. I was still thinking I had a chance, though, as we got up to the last few years of my life. But after becoming President, it started going downhill faster than a California mudslide.

SATAN

Fascinating. Go on.

BUSH

Oh, you know. The war, the economy, secret wire taps, the lying…the typical liberal smears. But the camel that broke the straws back were the photos of me and Abramoff in a hot tub….

SATAN

That’s it?

BUSH

…buck naked…

SATAN

Mmmm.

BUSH

…with Gina and Dixie…

SATAN

Oh my.

BUSH

…and two empty bottles of Jack Daniels….

SATAN

Ouch.

BUSH

…spanking each other with packets of $100 bills.

SATAN

Priceless. Is that it?

BUSH

That’s it. So, here I am.

SATAN

Well, I can’t say it’s totally unexpected, but welcome back anyway, George.

BUSH

I wish I could say I’m glad to be here, but I’m not.

SATAN

Oh, I don’t know…you did live in Texas. How much worse can this be?

BUSH

You got a mouth on you, Satan.

SATAN

Thank you. I do have some news for you. While you were trying to bluff your way into heaven, your good friend and special “turd blossom” Karl Rove brought his stellar political career to an abrupt end with a midnight dip in the Potomac. His swimming buddy, a fifty-pound concrete block, turned out to be…less than helpful.

BUSH

Karl’s here?

SATAN

He’s right behind you.

BUSH

(turns around to face Rove) Karl!. I’ll be damned.

KARL

Well, that makes two of us. (they embrace) Good to see you, Sir.

SATAN

So touching when people find their soul mates. Perhaps I can arrange for you two to pour boiling oil in each other’s orifices. You’d be together….

KARL
(to Satan) Can I have a minute in private with the President?

SATAN

(smiles) It warms my heart to know you haven’t given up on your devious, mischievous ways, Karl. Go. Talk amongst yourselves

Karl and Bush turn their backs to Satan and talk in whispers.

KARL

Okay. Briefly, here’s where I’m at, Mr. President. I’ve started a whisper campaign in circles two and three that call into question the Devil’s commitment to pure evil. It charges that there is credible evidence Satan was not cast out of heaven, but left voluntarily to start a children’s petting zoo in Arizona. God thought Satan wasn’t living up to his potential, there were arguments, insults exchanged, and the rest is history. Second, I’ve organized a group of sycophants and panderers who swear that in the war against good, the Devil has grossly and dishonorably exaggerated his accomplishments. I call them the Swift Goat Soldiers for Truth. Finally, I’ve found a guard who will swear that Lucifer sleeps with a stuffed animal named Pookers. The man has photos!

BUSH

Karl, you are a freaking genius.

KARL

It won’t be long before he’s helping pack our bags.

SATAN

Boys. Oh, boys. Let’s break it up now. Your pitchforks are getting cold.

BUSH

(turning and smiling) Sure, Satan ol’ buddy. You’ve got our undivided attention. Right, Karl?

KARL

Let the games begin.