No cause for alarm, officer. I'm a Republican.

January 5, 2006

Ken Mehlman
Chair, Republican National Committee
Washington, D.C.

Dear xxxx,

Thank your for joining the Republican Party. We need patriots like you who appreciate the greatness of this country and support our efforts to turn America in the right direction. We are in a daily struggle with the dark forces of liberalism, atheism, socialism and pornography, and we thank you for joining the army of steadfast, courageous conservatives who are willing to stand up for goodness and decency.

Now that you are a registered Republican, you will enjoy the benefits of being a member of the Grand Old Party. Listed here are the advantages you can expect as “one of us."

• You will never be forced to turn on a fellow Republican no matter what he has done and he will never turn on you.
• You can enjoy all the hypocrisy you can stand because your cause is holy.
• Lying is no longer a bad thing, but a vital weapon to be used against the liberal media and snotty college kids home on break.
• You do not have to acknowledge any contradictions in life.
• Ignorance is bliss. What you don’t know doesn’t matter.
• Republicans acknowledge the spiritual anointment of wealth by God, unlike Democrats who remain in denial.
• You are not bound by ethics. “Ethics” is a liberal construct designed to tie the hands of society’s entrepreneurs and visionaries.
• Because your motives are always good, occasional lapses into sinful behavior are quickly forgotten.
• Guilt is a sign of weakness. You may now toss that book out of your library.
• Finally, you can rest in the comfort of knowing that no matter what the facts are, no matter how many people disagree with you, no matter what the scientific evidence is, no matter what you see with your own eyes, you are always right. Isn’t that wonderful?

God bless America, and God bless you for joining our cause.

Sincerely,

Ken Mehlman