Monday, July 09, 2007

A day at the water park

I took my eleven year-old son and a friend of his to an indoor water park this past weekend. The outside temperature was in the mid-nineties and I was initially enthusiastic about lying in a tube and meandering around the lazy river. That lasted about ten minutes.

After securing a second mortgage on my condo, we had the financial resources to enter the men’s changing room where we nudged and jostled our way to one of two available lockers. The boys were in no mood for orderly processes so we jammed our shoes and clothes into the mailbox-sized hole and sloshed out into the slimy, tattooed, chlorine-soaked nightmare of the indoor water park.

It is a cavernous enclosed facility where the humidity is at a constant 150 percent and nothing ever dries. Ever. The warm puddle of water you’re standing in as you search in vain for your children has been there a growing bacterium since 1998 when the building first opened its doors. The screams of hundreds of children and over-stimulated teen-age girls are amplified ten-fold in the mostly metal structure, and I felt like I had tiny policemen in my auditory canals unmercifully tasering my eardrums.

We find a plastic chair and table that aren’t draped with layers of wet towels and set down our own towels, which seem to absorb moisture from the air and instantly become wet. Before I can utter a single warning or plea, the boys disappear into the madness. With a shrug, I make sure the locker key is securely fastened to my suit and move out.

You don’t rent tubes at this particular water park, I quickly learned. Instead you prowl around the kiddie pool or the lazy river for abandoned tubes that you then quickly snap up like the first crow to discover a juicy road kill. Tube hunting is a free-for-all. Parents mill around the departure point of the lazy river carefully reading body language and scanning eye motion in their efforts to be the first to spot a tuber who might be ready to give up the prize.

I eventually get a tube without making a child cry and head off down the lazy river. It’s only then that I realize the place is packed. My tube is bumped and spun in collisions with kids wanting to pass or older people in front of me whose tubes have stalled. Instead of the relaxing ride I had hoped for, I feel more like I’m commuting to work, except my tube doesn’t have a horn.

Amid the screams and splashing, I have a second realization. The place is teaming with monstrous, obese humans. They are everywhere. Men with guts that hang like garbage sacks filled with Jell-O. Women with roll upon roll of cellulite escaping out of every crack in their suits (and where do they get suits that big?). Hippo families lumber in herds from one attraction to the next. There are white hippos covered in blue varicose veins and hairy hippos who need their backs shaved and baby hippos who look like they are wearing kid-sized blubber suits.

I started making certain connections in my head that took me to a bad place. I knew that I would never want to take a bath with any of these people, even in a really, really big bathtub. Even though I had no idea where the boys were, I made tracks for the locker room. I desperately wanted a shower and dry clothes.

My son and his friend had a great time, of course. And that’s what’s important. Right?

But I’m still having nightmares.

11 comments:

Anonymous said...

God you're an ass.

Anonymous said...

lose the back pain -
magni work -
maternityacupressure -
maternity acupressure -
musclegainingsecrets -
muscle gaining secrets -
negative calorie diet -
one minute cure -
one week marketing -
only 4 gamers -
paid surveys online -
panic away -
pc on point -
pc tv 4 me -
perfect optimizer -
phone number scan -
pick the gender of your bady -
power 4 home -
profit lance -
public records pro -
quantum mind power -
quit smoking today -
recipe secrets -
reg clean -
regi cleanse -
registry easy -
registry winner -
reg sweep -
reverse mobile -
reverse phone detective -
revolutioniz -
richard markenzie direct -
sale hoo -
simple php -

Anonymous said...

smtp 2 go -
spyware nuker -
surveys 4 checks -
tax liens made easy -
the bad breath report -
thedietsolutionprogram -
the diet solution program -
the handcrafters companion -
the retired millionaire -
the super mind evolution system -
truth about abs -
truth about diets -
turbulence training -
ultimate content creator -
video piggy -
vincedelmontefitness -
vince del monte fitness -
viral tweets -
warp speed fat loss -
webstigate -
win clear -
win spy -
worlds best compost -
xp repair pro -
yeast infection no more -
your approved -
500 love making tips -
acid alkaline diet -
advanced defrag -
amazing resume creator -
anti spyware -
art of approaching -
av advance -

Anonymous said...

banish tonsil stones -
bookmarking demon -
burnthefat -
burn the fat -
carb rotation diet -
catch spouse cheating -
cb affiliate blueprints -
combat the fat -
conversationalhypnosis -
conversational hypnosis -
cure angular cheilitis -
directory of ezines -
dirty talking guide -
dish tv for pc -
dog training online -
domain sales machine -
driver robot -
earth4energy -
earth 4 energy -
easy tech videos -
eatstopeat -
eat stop eat -
error killer -
error smart -
evidence eraser -
evidence smart -
fatburningfurnace -
fat burning furnace -
fatloss4idiots -
fat loss 4 idiots -
fitnessmodelprogram -
fitness model program -
fit yummy yummy -
flattenyourabs -

Anonymous said...

flatten your abs -
flat to fab -
forex derivative -
gas 4 free -
get better grades -
golf swing guru -
governmentregistry -
government registry -
heartburn no more -
homemadeenergy -
home made energy -
hyper vre -
i software tv -
legit online jobs -
linden method -
london forex rush -
master word smith -
maternityacupressure -
maternity acupressure -
max pro system -
meet your sweet -
membership gold rush -
minute sites -
musclegainingsecrets -
muscle gaining secrets -
negative calorie diet -
one minute cure -
one week marketing -
pc on point -
pc tv 4 me -
perfect optimizer -
php link cloaker -
pick the gender of your baby -
profit lance -

Anonymous said...

public records pro -
quit smoking today -
recipe secrets -
reg clean -
regi cleanse -
registry easy -
registry winner -
reg sweep -
reverse mobile -
reverse phone detective -
richard mackenzie direct -
rocket piano -
rocket spanish -
satellite tv to pc -
smtp 2 go -
spam bully -
spyware nuker -
the bad breath report -
thedietsolutionprogram -
the diet solution program -
the stop snoring exercise program -
the super mind evolution system -
trading stock indices -
truth about abs -
turbulencetraining -
turbulence training -
twitter annihilation -
twitter rockstar -
twitter traffic machine -
ultimate content creator -
ultimate font download -
ultimate wow guide -
video piggy -

Anonymous said...

vincedelmontefitness -
vince del monte fitness -
warp speed fat loss -
web investigator -
win clear -
win spy -
yeast infection no more -






3d covers -
500 scrapbooking sketches -
acid alkaline diet -
acne free in 3 days -
advanced pc tweaker -
apple patch diet -
art of approaching -
auction inspector -
av advance -
build a nice store -
burnthefat -
burn the fat -
carb rotation diet -
catch spouse cheating -
chikara reiki do -
combat the fat -
conversationalhypnosis -
conversational hypnosis -
copy that game -
cure gout now -
dl guard -

Anonymous said...

dog training online -
driver checker -
driver robot -
drop shipping wholesalers -
earth4energy -
earth 4 energy -
easy backup wizard -
eatstopeat -
eat stop eat -
error fix -
error killer -
error smart -
evidence eraser -
evidence nuker -
ex girlfriend guru -
fatburningfurnace -
fat burning furnace -
fatloss4idiots -
fat loss 4 idiots -
final uninstaller -
fitnessmodelprogram -
fitness model program -
fit yummy yummy -
flattenyourabs -
flatten your abs -
flat to fab -
forex grid bot -
get google ads free -
get paid to draw -
get this off my chest now -
governmentregistry -
government registry -
heartburn no more -
homemadeenergy -

Anonymous said...

home made energy -
honest riches -
learn photoshop now -
linden method -
malware removal bot -
marketing on the fringe -
maternityacupressure -
maternity acupressure -
meet your sweet -
musclegainingsecrets -
muscle gaining secrets -
my online income system -
negative calorie diet -
no adware -
one minute cure -
one week marketing -
online pickup secrets -
partenon -
pc on point -
perfect optimizer -
perfect uninstaller -
pick the gender of your baby -
power cash secret -
profit lance -
publicrecordspro -
public records pro -
push button marketer -
quit smoking today -
registry easy -
registry easy download -
registry fix -
registry winner download -
reverse mobile -

Anonymous said...

reverse phone detective -
richard mackenzie direct -
rocket spanish -
rss power plus -
sem business blueprint -
silent sales machine -
spam bully -
sports betting champ -
spyware cease -
spyware nuker -
spyware remover -
starting a day care center -
the bad breath report -
the cb code -
thedietsolutionprogram -
the diet solution program -
the super mind evolution system -
traffic travis -
truth about abs -
turbulencetraining -
turbulence training -
twitter affiliate cash -
twitter decoded -
video piggy -
video web wizard -
vincedelmontefitness -
vince del monte fitness -
warp speed fat loss -
wedding speech 4u -
windo fix -
your bill killer -
you will get paid -
zygor guides -

Anonymous said...

20 day persuasion -
advanced pc tweaker -
adware bot -
affiliate naire -
apple patch diet -
article submitter -
art of approaching -
burnthefat -
burn the fat -
carb rotation diet -
cold sore freedom in 3 days -
conversationalhypnosis -
conversational hypnosis -
copy that game -
cure for bruxism -
cure hemorrhoids -
cyber link pro -
dl guard -
driver checker -
driver robot -
drop shipping wholesalers -
earth4energy -
earth 4 energy -
easy backup wizard -
easy click mate -
easy photo biz -
eatstopeat -
eat stop eat -
epinoisis -
error fix -
error killer -
error smart -
evidence nuker -
fap turbo -