Bush on Maliki – “She’s my bitch.”

Washington, D.C. — At a press conference today, President Bush was asked how he was able to persuade Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki to withdraw his previous endorsement of a timetable for withdrawal of American troops. The President was blunt.

“She’s my bitch. That’s how. Look, these are some type of subhuman species. They’re not fully developed human beings like you or I. They need to be told what to do every minute of the day otherwise they start thinking for themselves and…and of course, disaster ensues.”

President Bush was asked whether Iraq was indeed a sovereign nation or merely a puppet regime designed to do Washington’s bidding.

“No. Iraq is a nation. They’ve had elections. Okay? Now, it’s kind of like a Boy Scout troop. You let the scouts have their say, give their input, but at the end of the day it’s the scoutmaster who has the final say.”

One reporter said the statement sounded paternalistic.

“What?” asked Bush. “Patterns? You think it has something to do with patterns? Like a quilt?”

Bush ended his press conference with a note of confidence for Maliki.

“He’s a good man. I’ve looked in his eyes and seen a wise and good man. A wise and good man without a spine, a frightened man, which is the best kind of wise and good man.”

Congresswoman Michele Bachmann Advocates Backyard Oil Rigs

Washington, D.C. – During a teleconference today, Minnesota Congresswoman Michele Bachmann said that to help cut gas prices, congress should open the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge to oil drilling, and allow for the expansion of oil exploration in other areas including Colorado, Utah, Wyoming, Montana, North Dakota and off the Atlantic, Pacific and Gulf of Mexico coasts.

Bachmann went a step further and said every patriotic family in America should drill for oil in their own backyard.

“Let’s put American ingenuity to work on an individual basis. Most homeowners have a shovel. I say, start digging. If you can get your hands on an oil rig, all the better. But let’s not just sit on our rears watching Wheel of Fortune while gas prices skyrocket. Government can’t do everything.”

A reporter asked Bachmann about the practicality of trying to dig for oil with a shovel.

“Look, I don’t know the technicalities involved in drilling for oil. I just know you make a hole and the oil spurts up. How hard is that? Heck, Jed on the Beverly Hillbillies struck oil by shooting into the ground. So buy guns, people. Shoot the ground. Let’s get creative, America.”

During the interview, Bachmann had nothing but praise for President Bush and his energy policies, saying, “He could drill in my backyard anytime.”

White House Denies Significance of New Locks

Washington, D.C. – There was frenzied speculation inside the Beltway yesterday after it was revealed that President Bush had ordered all of the White House locks changed. A spokesperson for the White House said that this was nothing more than a regular security measure, but members of Barack Obama’s campaign team were suspicious.

“Why is he changing the locks now?” wondered one Obama supporter. “And what about the new machine gun installations and the bars? What kind of message is Bush sending?”

The spokesman was referring to the recently installed machine gun/missile launching structures on the White House roof and the iron bars placed over all first floor windows. In her daily press conference, White House Press Secretary Dana Parino dismissed the concerns of the Obama camp.

“This is typical election year posturing on their part. These security measures have been in the works for several years and just now got the go ahead from congress. There is nothing more to it than that.”

When questioned about the funding for the so-called security measures at the White House, senate majority leader Harry Reid said Democrats in congress were told the money was for grounds maintenance and a new coat of paint.

“They lied to us,” said an incredulous Reid. “As hard as it is for me and other congressional Democrats to believe, this administration out-and-out lied to us. What did they think? That we wouldn’t approve the money if they told us the truth? It’s never been an issue before this. To me, it just shows a lack of trust and good will on the part of this administration.”

Karl Rove Named New Presidential Envoy to Paraguay.

Washington, D.C. – Embattled former Bush advisor Karl Rove held an impromptu teleconference this morning form his new office somewhere in northern Paraguay. Sweating profusely, Mr. Rove appeared to be delivering his announcement from inside a small metal hut. His speech was interrupted several times by chickens fighting in the background and what appeared to be native tribesmen pointing machetes at Rove and screaming. The text of Mr. Rove’s speech:

“Fellow Americans. I am very excited and honored to tell you that President Bush asked me yesterday to spearhead a new diplomatic initiative in the strategic South American country of Paraguay. As a special envoy, I will work to establish strong diplomatic ties with the Paraguayan government and oversee the building of a strategic complex to house other American diplomats who will work with me on this endeavor in the future. I truly regret not being able to testify before congress, which I was honestly looking forward to, but my duty to my country and my president must come first. God bless America. Thank you.”

Some on the far left have suggested that Rove went to Paraguay to escape criminal prosecution in the United States because there is no extradition treaty with that country’s government, a charge vigorously denied by a White House spokesperson.

“Everyone knows Karl loves Paraguay and its people. This was an opportunity for him to work in an environment where he can really make a difference. To suggest otherwise is to provide our terrorist enemies with fodder for their propaganda efforts.”

The aide refused to say when Mr. Rove would return to the United States.

It didn't take longa, Obama

Well, so much for Obama. His vote today in support of the FISA bill granting telecomm immunity was shameful. Broken promises and he’s not even president yet. Just like Bill Clinton, Obama played progressives like a violin in the primaries, only to take his hand off the strings to give us the finger in the run up to the general election. And the Democrats in congress have turned their backs on the people who elected them one more time.

Hell, I was plenty cynical before all of this and it only means one more chalk mark on my massive Wall of Political Disillusionment. The world won’t end because of Obama’s vote, but it is clearly one more nail in the coffin of America.

Cheney Shoots Self in Face. Face Will Not Press Charges.

Cheyenne, WY – Vice President Cheney shot himself in the face today while hunting pheasant southeast of Cheyenne. The injury is not life threatening, doctors say, but will result in facial scaring and the need to wear an eye-patch, which, according to doctors, lifted Cheney’s spirits when he heard the news.

Asking to remain anonymous, a fellow hunter in Cheney’s group described what happened.

“We had all been drinking for a day or two — can’t remember how long exactly — and someone said we should go out and kill something, which is always a favorite activity of Mr. Cheney’s. So we went to some nearby fields to flush out pheasants or dogs or whatever. Like I said, we were pretty liquored up, so it was kind of a clusterfuck.

“The accident happened really fast. I was next to Dick when a pheasant takes off in front of us. Of course I’m going to defer to the vice president when it comes to who gets to shoot first, so I look over at him and I see he’s aiming at the bird with his shotgun turned completely around. The barrel’s pointing right at his face. Before I could shout out, he pulled the trigger and…well, you know the rest.”

The office of the vice president issued a press release denying that there was any drinking of alcoholic beverages and claimed Mr. Cheney’s face inadvertently got in the way when he tried to shoot a bird.

“This was a tragic accident, but the vice president’s face was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. There are no hard feelings between the vice president and his facial features and there will be no legal action taken.”