Tuesday, July 08, 2008
Cheney Shoots Self in Face. Face Will Not Press Charges.
Cheyenne, WY – Vice President Cheney shot himself in the face today while hunting pheasant southeast of Cheyenne. The injury is not life threatening, doctors say, but will result in facial scaring and the need to wear an eye-patch, which, according to doctors, lifted Cheney’s spirits when he heard the news.
Asking to remain anonymous, a fellow hunter in Cheney’s group described what happened.
“We had all been drinking for a day or two — can’t remember how long exactly — and someone said we should go out and kill something, which is always a favorite activity of Mr. Cheney’s. So we went to some nearby fields to flush out pheasants or dogs or whatever. Like I said, we were pretty liquored up, so it was kind of a clusterfuck.
“The accident happened really fast. I was next to Dick when a pheasant takes off in front of us. Of course I’m going to defer to the vice president when it comes to who gets to shoot first, so I look over at him and I see he’s aiming at the bird with his shotgun turned completely around. The barrel’s pointing right at his face. Before I could shout out, he pulled the trigger and…well, you know the rest.”
The office of the vice president issued a press release denying that there was any drinking of alcoholic beverages and claimed Mr. Cheney’s face inadvertently got in the way when he tried to shoot a bird.
“This was a tragic accident, but the vice president’s face was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. There are no hard feelings between the vice president and his facial features and there will be no legal action taken.”