Angry White Men with Guns Issue Their Demands

After several days occupying the administrative building at the Burns, Oregon Malheur National Wildlife Refuge, Ammon Bundy and his band of patriots have written down their demands and given them to the press. That’s Going Too Far! has obtained a copy and presents it here unedited.

Dear American Patriots,

Dear white Christian Americans, you have suffered long enough. Under the stifling rule of King Obama the Kenyon, you have watched your freedoms crumble and felt the yoke of slavery placed around your neck. The government wants your guns, your land and your freedom to be an idiot forcibly taken from you. I can’t live like this and neither can you. It’s time to man up to the American Gestapo and shoot our way to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. We will end our protest when, and only when, the following demands are met.

1.     Barack Obama needs to resign the presidency immediately and assume the roll of White House doorman. An amendment must be attached to the Constitution making it illegal for anyone to run for President who 1) has a foreign sounding name, 2) is of the female persuasion, 3) was born above the Mason/Dixon line, 4) has an IQ over 100.

2.     All federal land must be distributed to white ranchers living adjacent to said land. We’d give it back to the injuns if we thought they’d do something useful with it, but they’ll just pitch tee pees and dance around in their underwear.

3.     Gun ownership in America must be MANDATORY. More guns in the hands of patriots like us will make this country a safer place to live, and if you can’t see the logic of that, I’ll blow your fucking head off because you’re too stupid to live.

4.     Abolish all state and federal income taxes. Lost revenue will be replaced by a sales tax on certain items including BMWs, skinny leg jeans, foreign cheeses and wines, books, Birkenstocks, jazz and classical CDs, sparkling water and anything else that liberal traitors buy.

5.     The following organizations are to be closed down and criminalized by the government: Planned Parenthood, PBS, ACLU, Black Panthers, the Democratic Party, MSNBC, mosques, coffee shops, anything with the name “boutique” in it, yoga places and the internet.

6.     The following individuals are to be rounded up and imprisoned for their traitorous behavior: Michael Moore, Bernie Sanders, Jane Fonda, Steven Colbert, John Stewart, Al Franken, Bill and Hillary Clinton, and everyone who lives in San Francisco, Portland and Hollywood,

God Bless America!