Day 1
Throw really yuuuuge party for major donors. Putin guest of
honor. Issue arrest warrants for Clintons, Sanders, Stewart, Moore, Ryan, Cruz,
entire RNC, Obama, etc. Schedule fight with Biden (order sedatives to ensure
victory). Have someone locate Pense.
Day 2
Start choosing cabinet (delegate). Assemble closest advisors
(delegate). Prioritize policy agenda (delegate). Free by nine a.m. to golf with
Christie and Comey. Send Melania to Paris to shop. Welcome Miss America contestants
for personal tour of the White House. Party that night with Roman theme.
Day 3
Sign some paperwork, listen to a few boring briefings. Find
out where the CIA is keeping the aliens, nuke button. Oversee beginning of
construction of outdoor hot tub, party pavilion and driving range. Initiate
martial law.
Day 4
Annex Dubai, will be 51st state. Meet with NSA
and CIA to discuss progress on my enemies list. Start privatizing everything
(delegate). Attend kick-off party for Melinia’s new “First Lady” line of
lingerie. Discuss feasibility of turning South Lawn into game preserve with
Eric and Don Jr.
Day 5
Sign order to construct 500 reeducation camps across the
country. Quarantine Hollywood, San Francisco, Portland, and other blue cities
to prevent the spread of dangerous, un-American ideas. Appoint Ivanka “Roving American
Ambassador of Hotness.” Discuss with sculpture the pose for my first statue.
Day 6
Meetings with African diplomats (keep the hand sanitizer
close by). Attend ceremony to officially rename Pennsylvania Avenue Donald
Trump Drive. Golf and mud bath. Sign Executive Order #34472, “The President of
the United States has Immunity from Everything.” Find out who has the keys to
Fort Knox.
Day 7
Update enemies list. Give first Presidential Press
Conference on FOX News. Appoint Giuliani Ambassador to Kazakhstan as reward for
his loyalty. Fly to Arizona to kick-off ceremony for new wall across our
southern border (tell contractors to keep all receipts for Mexican bill). Give
myself a raise because I absolutely deserve it.
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