Saturday, November 05, 2016

President Donald Trump’s First Seven Days in Office

Day 1

Throw really yuuuuge party for major donors. Putin guest of honor. Issue arrest warrants for Clintons, Sanders, Stewart, Moore, Ryan, Cruz, entire RNC, Obama, etc. Schedule fight with Biden (order sedatives to ensure victory). Have someone locate Pense.

Day 2

Start choosing cabinet (delegate). Assemble closest advisors (delegate). Prioritize policy agenda (delegate). Free by nine a.m. to golf with Christie and Comey. Send Melania to Paris to shop. Welcome Miss America contestants for personal tour of the White House. Party that night with Roman theme.

Day 3

Sign some paperwork, listen to a few boring briefings. Find out where the CIA is keeping the aliens, nuke button. Oversee beginning of construction of outdoor hot tub, party pavilion and driving range. Initiate martial law.

Day 4

Annex Dubai, will be 51st state. Meet with NSA and CIA to discuss progress on my enemies list. Start privatizing everything (delegate). Attend kick-off party for Melinia’s new “First Lady” line of lingerie. Discuss feasibility of turning South Lawn into game preserve with Eric and Don Jr.

Day 5

Sign order to construct 500 reeducation camps across the country. Quarantine Hollywood, San Francisco, Portland, and other blue cities to prevent the spread of dangerous, un-American ideas. Appoint Ivanka “Roving American Ambassador of Hotness.” Discuss with sculpture the pose for my first statue.

Day 6

Meetings with African diplomats (keep the hand sanitizer close by). Attend ceremony to officially rename Pennsylvania Avenue Donald Trump Drive. Golf and mud bath. Sign Executive Order #34472, “The President of the United States has Immunity from Everything.” Find out who has the keys to Fort Knox.

Day 7

Update enemies list. Give first Presidential Press Conference on FOX News. Appoint Giuliani Ambassador to Kazakhstan as reward for his loyalty. Fly to Arizona to kick-off ceremony for new wall across our southern border (tell contractors to keep all receipts for Mexican bill). Give myself a raise because I absolutely deserve it.

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