The Magic Train to Trumplandia

A class of giggling, fidgeting fourth-graders stands in line waiting to board the magical train for a tour of the kingdom of Trumplandia. Soon, a blond woman bearing a striking resemblance to Kellyanne Conway, addresses the children through a megaphone.

“Hi, boys and girls. Thank you so much for taking time out of your busy school day to visit Trumplandia.”

“We didn’t have a choice,” says a boy in the back.

“Thank you,” continues the tour guide. “What a good looking group you are. So the train is here and everyone can climb on board.” The woman stands next to the train conductor for the tour. “And off we go.”

The train traverses terrain representing the varied geography of the United States. As it crosses an arid Southwest desert, it slows down and comes to stop at a very high wall.

“So children,” says the guide. “Does anyone know where we are?”

“A bathroom?” asks a girl with a ponytail. “Because I have to go.”

“This is Donald Trump’s hugely magnificent border wall. Look at the size of it. Of course, this is a simulation, but someday this 1,900-mile barrier will allow you and your children to sleep safe at night knowing those “bad hombres” from the south are dying of starvation and horrible diseases in a place you’ll never have to worry your beautiful young minds about. Doesn’t that make you proud of your president?”

“My dad calls him the Liar in Chief,” says a suspiciously tanned boy in the back.

“Let’s move on, everybody. Hey, we’re headin’ north. And here we are at beautiful blue Lake Tahoe on America’s West Coast.”

“Where’s California?”

“California? Never heard of it. There’s no California in Trumplandia. So now, let’s swing up to one of President Trump’s favorite states, Montana. Oh my gosh, look. There are cowboys and skinheads and militiamen all working together to make America great again. They all carry the most important symbol of American freedom. Who knows what that is?”

“A flag?”

“No, silly. A gun. We only have the freedoms we have because of guns and how they shoot and kill bad people. No one wants bad people in America. Right?”

“Who are the bad people?” asks a frightened looking girl.

“Ah, so sweet and naïve. Honey, there are so many bad people all around us it’s hard to keep track. There are the liberals and socialists, of course, and the Muslims and union leaders and scientists and environmentalists and pollsters who lie and…oh, just too many to list. But you shouldn’t be afraid, because President Trump is keeping all of those bad people out of America with his wall and immigration ban and general antagonistic attitude. He is so very smart.”

“My dad says our goldfish is smarter than Trump.”

“Your dad might need some remedial reeducation classes. Look everyone. We’ve taken a big dip south to the Bible belt, a very, very important region of the United States. Within this great swath of the Midwest and south live the real red, white and blue Americans. Just look at all the empty storefronts, all the white families enjoying endless seasons of welfare and true blue patriots flying their confederate flags proudly in support of their fearless leader’s call to Make America Great Again. I’m all tingly.”

“I’m hungry.”

“Oh my boy, never give in to physical weakness. Be strong, like your president. I’ll bet you didn’t know that President Trump was a member of a semi-final team in the World Series of Beer Pong in Las Vegas, Nevada. It’s true. We should all strive to be that dedicated and focused. Remember the heroic sacrifices of the survivors of the Bowling Green Massacre.”

“But—“

“Look. Look, everybody. We are heading up the Eastern Seaboard to Washington, D.C. There’s the Washington Monument, the Jefferson Memorial and the newest statue honoring one of America’s greatest living patriots, Steve Bannon.”

“What’s he doing?”

“Drinking beer in his pajamas. What an inspiration to us all. Well kids, that ends our tour of Trumplandia. President Trump was hoping to stop by and say hello to all of you, but he had some very important tweets to dictate. Being president is an awesome responsibility. Any questions?”

“Why—?”

“Oh gosh, we’ve run completely out of time. It’s been fun having you all. Don’t forget, on your way out grab your goodie bag filled with Trump property discount coupons, the latest products in Ivanka Trump’s collection and big game hunting tips from Eric and Donald Trump Junior. Bye now.”