Saturday, January 29, 2005

Administration Brouhaha: Who’s Got the Biggest Unit?

WASHINGTON – The Office of the Vice President issued a statement today announcing that Vice President Cheney will create his own special undercover unit for clandestine operations in the United States and abroad.

This announcement comes only one week after Secretary of Defense Rumsfeld divulged the existence of his formerly secret unit, the Strategic Support Branch.

An unnamed administration official said that Cheney was “very upset” to learn that Rumsfeld has his own commando squad and Cheney did not. “There were a lot of expletives thrown around the office that day,” said the official.

Cheney’s unit will be called “Big Dick’s Brigade,” (BDB) and serve under the Vice President’s direct control. The BDB will consist of members drawn from all branches of the military and various federal prisons throughout the United States.

The BDB will be an intelligence gathering organization like Rumsfeld’s unit, but, according to Cheney’s spokesperson, “…it will be bigger, badder and have the ability to open a can of whoop ass on Rumsfeld’s girl scout troop anytime, anywhere.”

In a brief statement from the Secretary of Defense later that afternoon, Rumsfeld wrote that this was an unnecessary duplication of intelligence gathering operations, and the next time he meets with Cheney, he’s going to “….wrap those wire spectacles around his scrotum.”

The President, at his Texas ranch clearing brush, issued a statement indicating his unwavering support for both Cheney and Rumsfeld, and said that he had been thinking of creating his own military unit for espionage and intelligence gathering purposes for some time. “The more Americans we have around the world carrying weapons and a license to kill, the safer we all are,” noted President Bush.

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