Homeland Security

Fearful that abolishing the color-coded terror alert system would leave his city vulnerable, Sheriff Tom Novarri called upon the citizens of Cornerville, Ohio (pop. 21,955) to call or e-mail his “Terrorist Hotline” with any suspicious activity they might encounter. Over the three months it was in existence, the “Terror Hotline” received 458 calls and 394 e-mails from citizens. Below is a sampling of e-mails and call transcripts.

May 21

“Hello?
“Terrorist Hotline. Would you like to make a report?”
“Damn right I would. One of the guys who picks up my trash…looks like an Arabian.”
“An Arabian horse?”
“No, dammit. An Arab. The thing is, every time he goes to my garbage can, he stops and looks around. I think he’s doing reconnaissance.”
“Of your yard, Sir?”
“I used to be in the military. God knows what information they could pump out of me before they cut my head off.”
“Thank you, Sir. I will pass along your information.”
“Damn right you will.”

May 24

Dear Sheriff Novarri,

At the Mall yesterday, there were like these two Middle Eastern guys who followed me and my friend Tammy around for like three hours. Even when we tried to ditch them by going into Victoria’s Secret, they came right in and started touching the bras. We were so creeped out. I thought, “What if the guys are like strapped with explosives. And they stand next to us when they push their little buttons.” Tammy thought one of the guys was really cute and said she wouldn’t mind dying in his arms. I said, “Shut up.” They were creeeeepy. Please have them checked out.
Christy

May 25

“Terrorist Hotline. Would you like to make a report.”
“Yes. I am being held captive by terrorists.”
“Terrance. Is that you?”
“My Mom and Dad are terrorists. They are holding me hostage.”
“Boy, did you get your homework done?”
“Please, send the SWAT team to my house.”
“You’re gonna see the swat team when I get home and swat your butt up one side and down the other.”
(hangs up)


June 3

Dear Sherif

My name is Lisa. I am seven. I want you to arrest my brother Kenny. He hits me and pushes me down. He is a teroristic. Thank you.

Lisa

June 9

“Terrorist Hotline. Would you like to make a report?”
“Yes. Thank you. I would like to report that I was abducted by terrorists last week.”
“Really, Sir? Please give me the details.”
“Absolutely. They landed in my backyard about 11:00 p.m. I was having a bowl of Cap’n Krunch when I saw the lights blazing through my windows. Well, I got up and went to the door, and three terrorist wearing shiny metal suits burst into my kitchen and demanded to see Jerry Springer.”
“Thank you, Sir. I will—“
“But I’m not done. They tied me to the kitchen table and started to operate on me with my Salad Shooter and a butter knife….”
“Thank you so much. Goodbye.”

June 23

I am a terrorist. I want to turn myself in, but can't. I have tried many times to quit my terrorist activities, but I am addicted to explosives and human carnage. Please, stop me before I bomb again.
Abdul

July 29

Dear Sheriff Novarri,

I believe my husband could be a terrorist. I first became suspicious when I would call his office at noon and get his answering machine over and over again. Then, he started traveling more than he ever did before, being away from home three and four days at a time, yet I never once saw him with an airline ticket. And then there are the calls. I’ll answer the phone, and the person on the other end immediately hangs up. It’s happened many times. The only explanation I can come to is that he is sneaking off to a terrorist training camp somewhere nearby to train for a new attack on the U.S. I love him, but I think he is lying to me. Please, stop him before he hurts someone.
Kim

August 4

“Terrorist Hotline. Would you like to make a report?”
(heavy breathing)
“Would you like to make a report, Sir?”
(breathing grows louder)
“Sir, we have caller ID..
(hangs up)