On a First Name Basis

Washington, DC -- Pat Robertson, head of the 2 million strong Christian Coalition, said today that hurricane Katrina was God’s retribution on America for denouncing his call to assassinate Venezuela’s leader Chavez.

“Make no mistake,” Robertson told a gathering of reporters, “this is God’s answer to those who would try and use my words against me.”

When Robertson was asked how he knew God was punishing America, he said God told him so.

“You people just don’t seem to get it. God and I are like this [held up to fingers wrapped around each other]. He’s not going to allow me to be humiliated and ridiculed without some response. You don’t push around Pat Robertson and get away with it.”

A reporter asked Robertson how he communicates with God. “Prayer, of course. And sometimes through my television set. It can be quite a jolt when you’re watching FOX News and one of the anchor people says, ‘Pat, I have something very important to tell you.’ Whoa. That will catch your attention.”

Questioned about how God could justify the death and destruction of a hurricane like Katrina in response to a television comment, Robertson said, “Hey, God doesn’t go into every detail of his plan with me. He’s a little busy, you know. My only regret is that it’s hitting red states and not blue ones, but, hey, you don’t second guess the big guy.”

Speak No Evil

Updated List of Words and Phrases That Cannot Be Spoken Around the President

1. Cindy Sheehan
2. Impeachment
3. Withdrawal of troops
4. Protesters
5. National debt
6. Change course
7. Poll numbers
8. Leak
9. Popularity
10. Arrogance
11. Spank me
12. Other viewpoints
13. Reason or logic
14. My Pet Goat
15. Michael Moore
16. Timetable
17. WMD
18. Hell

We win. Bye, bye.

Toady George Bush told a crowd of military personnel in Idaho, “We will win the war.” What he neglected to mention was how. Ask yourself, what are the possible scenarios for winning this war?

- The Iraqi insurgents and foreign fighters pouring into the country daily are going to get tired at some point and take their AK 47s and go home?
- Iraqi soldiers, once trained, will forcefully fight against their Muslim brothers?
- We’ll make peace among all the factions in Iraq?
- We’ll convert them all to Christianity?
- We’ll be able to kill every current and future terrorist?
- Other Middle East countries will grow to love our presence in the region and invite us to stay?
- The only plausible answer: We say, “We won” and leave.

Science Outside the Box

Crawford, Texas -- Speaking to reporters from his ranch, President Bush reiterated his stance today that Intelligent Design should be taught in schools along with the theory of evolution. The President went a step further and suggested other subjects that should be taught alongside traditional curricula in public schools.

“I truly believe that phrenology has shown great promise in assessing intelligence and should be included in every anatomy course.”

The President proceeded to use a large pair of ice tongs to compare the size of his head to the heads of several reporters. Results were inconclusive. The president went on to say that medical schools should teach the art of “faith healing” to cure a variety of physical ailments.

“I saw a man of God literally pull the cancer out of a woman’s body. Saw it with my own eyes. Why aren’t we teaching that kind of thing in our medical schools? What are they afraid of?”

When a reporter suggested that faith healing had nothing to do with medicine, security guards immediately escorted the newsman off of the property.

The President stated that the resistance of the scientific community to these ideas perplexes him. “How can you say something doesn’t work if you’ve never studied it?” asked Bush. “Right now, I’m wearing copper underwear, and let me tell you, I’ve never felt better in my life. We can’t be stuck in the old ways of thinking that only rely on testing and proof and evidence. It’s the twenty-first century. We’ve got to start thinking outside the box.”

Providing an example, the President questioned why historians omitted the tremendous contribution of elves to the rebuilding of Ireland after the potato famine. At that point, a crow flew over the assembled group and the meeting was immediately halted, with staff members informing stunned reporters that this was a very bad omen.

Sacrificing Humanity on the Altar of Ideology

The right wing’s attacks on peace activist Cindy Sheehan are appalling in every respect, but Rush Limbaugh’s latest salvo is so ugly and low it cannot be ignored. Ridiculing the fact that Sheehan lost a son in Iraq by arguing, “We all lose things,” shows callousness beyond human understanding. It is a clear case of ideology trumping humanity by brutally assaulting someone simply because they don’t believe what you believe. This is the stuff of inquisitions and Islamic theocracies, not a democracy. Thankfully, these attacks on Sheehan are backfiring, and, perhaps best of all, they are laying bare the twisted, black souls of the attackers for all to see.

More Headlines I’d Like to see

Ann Coulter, Sean Hannity, Bush Twins Join Marines

Bush Meets With Sheehan, Begs For Forgiveness

Rove Brought Into Court In Shackles

Rumsfeld Declares Alien Beings Responsible For Latest Baghdad Attacks

Rush Limbaugh Arrested For Pharmacy Break-In

Bush Rides Bicycle Into Lake. Again.

Democrats Sweep To Victory In Mid-Term Elections

Martha Counsels Condi On Prison Dos And Don’ts

Playwright John Andreini Wins First Tony

Top Ten Reasons Why President Bush Won’t Meet With Cindy Sheehan

10. If I don’t clear that brush now it’ll never happen
9. My cowboy hat is at the cleaners getting blocked
8. Intelligence sources tell me there have been Osama Bin Laden sightings as close as Waco
7. Are you kidding? This place is crawling with rattlers
6. Once I get Condi on the phone she just never wants to stop talking
5. Fine. I meet one grieving parent and I’m going to have to meet them all
4. Why would I want to meet with someone who disagrees with me?
3. When I’m not so darned busy conquering the world for democracy, I’ll have plenty of time to chat
2. I’ll talk to anyone who brings a checkbook
1. Why does she want to see me? This is all Cheney’s fault.

Gathering.

For Cindy Sheehan

Gathering
The mothers and fathers
Dragging their hearts behind them like anchors
Down bitter, choking prairie roads
Ghosts wait on the horizon

Gathering
At the emperor’s gate
Pleading for an audience
Their words roll aimlessly across the dead earth
Like sagebrush through a ravine

Gathering
The emperor will not see them
Cowering behind veils
Lies boiling under his skin
Underlings swirl about in mesmerizing dances

Gathering
Mourners at a funeral
Wondering where their children are hiding
Frightening moments
Followed by echoes

Gathering
Clouds above the stables
The horses sense fear
Drink, my emperor, drink more wine
Languish again in the pool of certainty

Gathering
Mothers and Fathers wail
Ripping at their clothes in frustration
Where is the glory, they demand
To an emperor who can hear nothing but his voice

While ghosts wait on the horizon

The Paraguay Connection

An article today from Inter Press Service begins with this headline:

U.S. Military Presence in Paraguay Stirs Speculation

That's Going Too Far! was way out in front of this story when we intercepted and posted the following letter back in March:

March 1, 2005

Mr. Donald Rumsfeld
Office of the Secretary of Defense
Washington, D.C.

Dear Mr. Secretary,

I am taking the liberty of writing to you so that I may present a proposition which could benefit both of our countries. We here in Paraguay are aware that you often send terrorist subjects to countries other than your own for “special handling” not available in the United States. I believe you call it “extraordinary rendition.” We had quite a hoot in my office over this term.

Anyway, I would like to offer the services of my country for future events of extraordinary rendition. After many decades of factional fighting and repressive military governments, we are uniquely positioned to handle uncooperative prisoners. Our country can provide remote locations, essential equipment and trained personnel for information retrieval. In addition, few people on the planet know where Paraguay is located, providing you with a very low profile destination on the media radar. And, we are closer than Syria or Jordan which will cut down on transportation costs.

In return for our services, we ask for only 100M per prisoner. If the prisoner dies in our custody without information being extracted, we cut this cost by 20 percent. You can’t lose. And, as a special bonus for acting today, we will disappear any Amnesty International representatives in the country at no additional charge! Please, this offer is only good as long as the War on Terror continues. Gracias, and I hope to hear from you soon.

Sincerely,


Colonel Jose Cezar Moreno
Assistant Minister of Defense
Central Command Bldg, Unit #35
Asuncion, Paraguay

Repost: The Right Man For The Job

New York – John Bolton’s first day on the job as Unites States Ambassador to the U.N. sparked fireworks never before seen in this normally dignified assemblage. Bolton used his welcoming speech to verbally attack the U.N., Cuba, Syria, Iran and North Korea.

Bolton was booed 31 times during his five-minute speech to the General Assembly and several small objects believed to be pens and paper clips were thrown at the new ambassador. A dart from a blowgun was also found stuck to the back of Bolton’s chair.

The ambassadors from Syria and Korea voiced angry protests to Bolton’s speech, while the Cuban ambassador, Emile Agorre, jumped over his desk and challenged Bolton to a fistfight. Bolton had to be restrained by several nearby members. Calm was restored momentarily until Bolton saw the Iranian ambassador using his hand to make an “L” for “loser.” This sparked a second round of insults and pushing and shoving incidents, after which, Secretary General Koffi Annan called for an immediate recess.

Asked about the raucous start to Bolton’s tenure, President Bush said Bolton was doing a fine job and was carrying out the wishes of the administration to take a more “pro-active” approach to deliberations. “Bolton,” said the President, “is perfect for the job.”