Crawford, Texas -- Speaking to reporters from his ranch, President Bush reiterated his stance today that Intelligent Design should be taught in schools along with the theory of evolution. The President went a step further and suggested other subjects that should be taught alongside traditional curricula in public schools.
“I truly believe that phrenology has shown great promise in assessing intelligence and should be included in every anatomy course.”
The President proceeded to use a large pair of ice tongs to compare the size of his head to the heads of several reporters. Results were inconclusive. The president went on to say that medical schools should teach the art of “faith healing” to cure a variety of physical ailments.
“I saw a man of God literally pull the cancer out of a woman’s body. Saw it with my own eyes. Why aren’t we teaching that kind of thing in our medical schools? What are they afraid of?”
When a reporter suggested that faith healing had nothing to do with medicine, security guards immediately escorted the newsman off of the property.
The President stated that the resistance of the scientific community to these ideas perplexes him. “How can you say something doesn’t work if you’ve never studied it?” asked Bush. “Right now, I’m wearing copper underwear, and let me tell you, I’ve never felt better in my life. We can’t be stuck in the old ways of thinking that only rely on testing and proof and evidence. It’s the twenty-first century. We’ve got to start thinking outside the box.”
Providing an example, the President questioned why historians omitted the tremendous contribution of elves to the rebuilding of Ireland after the potato famine. At that point, a crow flew over the assembled group and the meeting was immediately halted, with staff members informing stunned reporters that this was a very bad omen.