Outing the October Surprise

Everyone’s making predictions about the Rove/Bush October surprise. War with Iran? A terrorist attack on U.S. soil? Capturing Bin Laden? While all of these prognostications have some merit, “That’s Going Too Far! has received some scintillating inside info about the real pre-election blockbuster.

George Bush will come out of the closet.

It’s the era of outing and with so many top Republicans turning out to be gay, Bush will join the club with an announcement prior to November 7.

The spin?

If you’ve ever seen the 1997 comedy “In and Out,” you’ll remember that Kevin Kline plays a small-town English teacher who is beloved by everyone until he is forced out of the closet. Coming out ruins his wedding (to the hilarious Joan Cusack) and turns the principal of his school against him. However, at a school assembly, students and townspeople come to Kevin’s aid by all declaring “I’m gay,” effectively blunting the stigma of gayness.

Hence, George Bush will stand up and say, “I’m gay.” His (Rove’s) reasoning is that it will 1) take the focus off of the Foley scandal, 2) generate sympathy for him, Hastert and others, and 3) put his name in the headlines for weeks.

It will be another brilliant Rovian tactic of attacking one of the Democrats’ strengths and disarming it. What can the Democrats do? Ridicule Bush? All they can do is sympathize and praise him for his courage. It’s going to turn a Democratic slam dunk into a Republican rout.

Immediately after the election, the White House will announce that Bush has undergone an operation at Walter Reed that completely restored his heterosexuality. Viola. Homosexuality can be cured.

Are these bastards good or what?