Washington, D.C. – A startling tape recording of John McCain discussing Sarah Palin, his pick for vice president, was leaked to the press this afternoon. It’s believed a disgruntled campaign worker made the tape available to the media. This is a transcript of the conversation.
Voice: Just talked to Rove. Lieberman’s out.
McCain: What? That little piece of shit. You know he wouldn’t last two hours in a North Vietnamese prison camp. He’d squeal like a pig the first time he got his balls squeezed.
Voice: Yes Sir.
McCain: Okay. Who does that leave?
Voice: Uh, only one person. Sarah Palin, governor of Alaska.
McCain: Palin? Don’t know her.
Voice: Here’s her picture.
McCain: Whoa. She’s hot.
Voice: Former beauty queen, I think. But very inexperienced.
McCain: She looks experienced to me. In a good way.
Voice: Sir, she’s articulate but not all that bright. Biden will rip her to shreds in a debate.
McCain: And check out that rack. Those things could suffocate a man.
Voice: Right. She’s been governor less than two years. Mayor of some little shit hole town before that.
McCain: You said ‘shit hole.”
Voice: Sir. Are you all right?
McCain: I want her...to be my running mate.
Voice: Are you sure about that? You don’t know—
McCain: She’s the one. I feel it. Get her one the phone now.
Voice: But—
McCain: Don’t argue with me. Make this happen.
Voice: Yes sir.
McCain: I gotta take a leak…and review this picture further.
Friday, August 29, 2008
Thursday, August 28, 2008
President Bush prepares nation for Gustav
Washington, D.C. - At a press conference today, President Bush outlined the government’s response plans as hurricane Gustav approaches the Gulf Coast.
“First, let me say how grateful we are that hurricane Katrina tore up so much along the Gulf Coast in 2005, which means there is less for Gustav to destroy. That’s a blessing. Now, if you live along the Gulf Coast, rest assured the federal government is taking steps at this moment to bring coffee and donuts to each and every one of you. Kids will get surplus carrot juice.
“For those of you who might be displaced by the hurricane, we will have maps for you of every motel within 100 miles of the coastal region. Not only that, you will also receive a coupon for two free drinks at any Chuck E. Cheese in the country. No refills.
“We learned lessons from hurricane Katrina. Yes we did. People who lose their homes are unhappy people. We know this. So we are shipping to the region 300 tons of Prozac pills for anyone who’s feeling a little out-of-sorts about losing everything they own in life. They tell me that can be tough.
“Finally, let me assure everyone in the hurricane’s path that we have set up prayer circles in the White House and there will be people praying for you and your safety 24/7. Now if God don’t hear that, well, he must be wearing earplugs. [laugh] Anyway, thank you to everyone involved in this hurricane relief effort. You all are doing a heckuva job. God bless America.”
“First, let me say how grateful we are that hurricane Katrina tore up so much along the Gulf Coast in 2005, which means there is less for Gustav to destroy. That’s a blessing. Now, if you live along the Gulf Coast, rest assured the federal government is taking steps at this moment to bring coffee and donuts to each and every one of you. Kids will get surplus carrot juice.
“For those of you who might be displaced by the hurricane, we will have maps for you of every motel within 100 miles of the coastal region. Not only that, you will also receive a coupon for two free drinks at any Chuck E. Cheese in the country. No refills.
“We learned lessons from hurricane Katrina. Yes we did. People who lose their homes are unhappy people. We know this. So we are shipping to the region 300 tons of Prozac pills for anyone who’s feeling a little out-of-sorts about losing everything they own in life. They tell me that can be tough.
“Finally, let me assure everyone in the hurricane’s path that we have set up prayer circles in the White House and there will be people praying for you and your safety 24/7. Now if God don’t hear that, well, he must be wearing earplugs. [laugh] Anyway, thank you to everyone involved in this hurricane relief effort. You all are doing a heckuva job. God bless America.”
President Bush prepares nation for Gustov
Washington, D.C. - At a press conference today, President Bush outlined the government’s response plans as hurricane Gustov approaches the Gulf Coast.
“First, let me say how grateful we are that hurricane Katrina tore up so much along the Gulf Coast in 2005, which means there is less for Gustov to destroy. That’s a blessing. Now, if you live along the Gulf Coast, rest assured the federal government is taking steps at this moment to bring coffee and donuts to each and every one of you. Kids will get surplus carrot juice.
“For those of you who might be displaced by the hurricane, we will have maps for you of every motel within 100 miles of the coastal region. Not only that, you will also receive a coupon for two free drinks at any Chuck E. Cheese in the country. No refills.
“We learned lessons from hurricane Katrina. Yes we did. People who lose their homes are unhappy people. We know this. So we are shipping to the region 300 tons of Prozac pills for anyone who’s feeling a little out-of-sorts about losing everything they own in life. They tell me that can be tough.
“Finally, let me assure everyone in the hurricane’s path that we have set up prayer circles in the White House and there will be people praying for you and your safety 24/7. Now if God don’t hear that, well, he must be wearing earplugs. [laugh] Anyway, thank you to everyone involved in this hurricane relief effort. You all are doing a heckuva job. God bless America.”
“First, let me say how grateful we are that hurricane Katrina tore up so much along the Gulf Coast in 2005, which means there is less for Gustov to destroy. That’s a blessing. Now, if you live along the Gulf Coast, rest assured the federal government is taking steps at this moment to bring coffee and donuts to each and every one of you. Kids will get surplus carrot juice.
“For those of you who might be displaced by the hurricane, we will have maps for you of every motel within 100 miles of the coastal region. Not only that, you will also receive a coupon for two free drinks at any Chuck E. Cheese in the country. No refills.
“We learned lessons from hurricane Katrina. Yes we did. People who lose their homes are unhappy people. We know this. So we are shipping to the region 300 tons of Prozac pills for anyone who’s feeling a little out-of-sorts about losing everything they own in life. They tell me that can be tough.
“Finally, let me assure everyone in the hurricane’s path that we have set up prayer circles in the White House and there will be people praying for you and your safety 24/7. Now if God don’t hear that, well, he must be wearing earplugs. [laugh] Anyway, thank you to everyone involved in this hurricane relief effort. You all are doing a heckuva job. God bless America.”
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Cindy McCain: “I’m buying the presidency for John’s birthday.”
Cindy McCain, wife of Republican presidential candidate John McCain, told a group of reporters that she is going to buy the presidency of the United States as a gift for John’s seventy-second birthday.
“I know it’s what he really wants, but don’t say anything to him. It’s going to be a surprise.”
Mrs. McCain has an estimated worth of $100 million. Asked how she planned to buy the presidency in a country where the president is elected, McCain laughed.
“Elected. Oh, that’s right. I forgot. You’re cute. Seriously, I’ve already put a down payment on it with the RNC, FOX News, ABC, and Diebold. All I need to do now is figure out how to wrap it.”
John McCain’s birthday is August 29, and Mrs. McCain said she will surprise him with the gift at a party in Phoenix.
“Year after year I get him ties or a Rolex or another villa in Tuscany…predictable things. This year will be special. He’ll be so surprised.”
A reporter mentioned laws prohibiting such a gift, but Mrs. McCain was undaunted.
“Don’t be absurd. This is America. Laws are for the silly little people. Now, you’re making me late for my Botox. Ciao.”
“I know it’s what he really wants, but don’t say anything to him. It’s going to be a surprise.”
Mrs. McCain has an estimated worth of $100 million. Asked how she planned to buy the presidency in a country where the president is elected, McCain laughed.
“Elected. Oh, that’s right. I forgot. You’re cute. Seriously, I’ve already put a down payment on it with the RNC, FOX News, ABC, and Diebold. All I need to do now is figure out how to wrap it.”
John McCain’s birthday is August 29, and Mrs. McCain said she will surprise him with the gift at a party in Phoenix.
“Year after year I get him ties or a Rolex or another villa in Tuscany…predictable things. This year will be special. He’ll be so surprised.”
A reporter mentioned laws prohibiting such a gift, but Mrs. McCain was undaunted.
“Don’t be absurd. This is America. Laws are for the silly little people. Now, you’re making me late for my Botox. Ciao.”
Monday, August 04, 2008
McCain wears pillowcase to Alabama press conference. Claims it’s for skin protection.
Selma, AL - Presidential candidate John McCain showed up at a press conference in Selma wearing a white pillowcase over his head with eye holes cut out. He apologized to the audience, telling them that his skin is highly sensitive to sunlight and he is very concerned about skin cancer.
An African-American reporter asked McCain if he understood the significance of his unusual attire.
“What? If you’re referring to the racist KKK, I am offended, Sir. Offended. That is ancient history and should be treated as such. To insinuate that I have a racist bone in my body is to insult me and my record of public service.”
Another reporter asked McCain if a wide-brim hat wouldn’t be enough to shield his face from the sun.
“I am a fiscal conservative. Hats are much more expensive than pillowcases, especially ones from the hotel room, which are free. And I don’t look good in a hat.”
A third questioner wanted to know if he wasn’t pandering to racist Southern voters. McCain exploded into a rant.
“You are slandering me and I won’t stand for it. That is a disgusting accusation, and if we were living in the Old South — a wonderful period in American history, I might add — I would challenge you to a duel to the death, my friend. You have insulted my honor and my reputation.”
McCain then gave what to many in the crowd looked like a Nazi salute and stormed from the podium, effectively bringing the press conference to a close.
An African-American reporter asked McCain if he understood the significance of his unusual attire.
“What? If you’re referring to the racist KKK, I am offended, Sir. Offended. That is ancient history and should be treated as such. To insinuate that I have a racist bone in my body is to insult me and my record of public service.”
Another reporter asked McCain if a wide-brim hat wouldn’t be enough to shield his face from the sun.
“I am a fiscal conservative. Hats are much more expensive than pillowcases, especially ones from the hotel room, which are free. And I don’t look good in a hat.”
A third questioner wanted to know if he wasn’t pandering to racist Southern voters. McCain exploded into a rant.
“You are slandering me and I won’t stand for it. That is a disgusting accusation, and if we were living in the Old South — a wonderful period in American history, I might add — I would challenge you to a duel to the death, my friend. You have insulted my honor and my reputation.”
McCain then gave what to many in the crowd looked like a Nazi salute and stormed from the podium, effectively bringing the press conference to a close.
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