President Bush prepares nation for Gustav

Washington, D.C. - At a press conference today, President Bush outlined the government’s response plans as hurricane Gustav approaches the Gulf Coast.

“First, let me say how grateful we are that hurricane Katrina tore up so much along the Gulf Coast in 2005, which means there is less for Gustav to destroy. That’s a blessing. Now, if you live along the Gulf Coast, rest assured the federal government is taking steps at this moment to bring coffee and donuts to each and every one of you. Kids will get surplus carrot juice.

“For those of you who might be displaced by the hurricane, we will have maps for you of every motel within 100 miles of the coastal region. Not only that, you will also receive a coupon for two free drinks at any Chuck E. Cheese in the country. No refills.

“We learned lessons from hurricane Katrina. Yes we did. People who lose their homes are unhappy people. We know this. So we are shipping to the region 300 tons of Prozac pills for anyone who’s feeling a little out-of-sorts about losing everything they own in life. They tell me that can be tough.

“Finally, let me assure everyone in the hurricane’s path that we have set up prayer circles in the White House and there will be people praying for you and your safety 24/7. Now if God don’t hear that, well, he must be wearing earplugs. [laugh] Anyway, thank you to everyone involved in this hurricane relief effort. You all are doing a heckuva job. God bless America.”