A Biker Brawl in Victorian England

Location: The Boar’s Tail Pub, Knightsbridge, London, 1895

Setting: A dozen members of the Weston Gentlemen’s Bicycling Association are enjoying pints of ale in a corner of the pub. Four bicyclists from the Brickstone Riding and Touring Club enter the pub and order drinks. Charles Twittenstraw, a member of the former group, approaches the table of the pub’s newest patrons and addresses William Cockswoon.

Charles

Well, a good day to you, Gentlemen.

William

And to you, Sir. A fine day.

Charles

Indeed it is. Indeed. I’ve not had the pleasure of seeing you or your companions in here before.

William

Quite true. Our club is located in Brentford and we are touring west through the city. Lovely area, here.

Charles

Yes, it is. We are very proud of our little corner of London, and it is always dismaying to have its beauty despoiled by those of inferior character.

William

Of course. And if we see such louts, we will alert you immediately.

Charles

I was referring to you, Sir. This pub, this area of the city, is reserved solely for the riding enjoyment of the Weston Gentlemen’s Bicycling Association.

William

A jolly good jest. (Turns to his mates) If nothing else, the residents of Knightsbridge are entertaining.

Charles

It was not intended to be entertaining. You and your little band of sparrows should fly away now, if you have any common sense and regard for your own safety.

William

Ah, my safety. Pray tell, what brand of bicycle does your “association” prefer?

Charles

Only the finest two-wheel machine in existence: The Schwinn.

William

(Laughing with his companions) The Schwinn. No true bicyclists would be caught dead riding a Schwinn when the far superior Raleigh is available.

Charles

The only Raleigh riders I know are elderly women and circus animals.

William

(Standing) I’d hold my tongue if I were you. And I’m surprised you’re pathetic Schwinn is able to roll forward without collapsing under your formidable weight.

Charles

Doesn’t every Raleigh come with a pair of bloomers?

William

(As the two groups converge) The only bloomers I have are the ones I took off of your wife last night.

Charles

I’d be insulted if I thought my wife ignorant enough to fornicate with a feeble minded Raleigh rider.

William

Of course you’re right. It wasn’t your wife. It was your mother.

(And…fisticuffs ensued.)

A Road Rage Incident in Victorian England

“My good man, I must inform you that your driving skills are wholly inadequate.”

“Dear sir, since we have not had the pleasure of meeting before, I excuse you for not knowing that I am, in fact, an excellent carriage captain.”

“It may be true that on some other day at some other time you are a skilled driver, but that day and time is not today. Your vehicle veered into my path.”

“I must assume that you have left your spectacles on your bedside table, My Good Man, otherwise you would have seen that I clearly signaled my intentions to merge.”

“Ha. No one would require spectacles to see something that was not there. And where, pray tell, did you purchase your driving certificate? Ye Olde Shoppe of Forged Documents?”

“You are testing my patience, Sir. If a constable were within shouting distance, I would insist that he arrest you for your insulting and boorish behavior.”

“Arrest me? Arrest me? The only one who should be shackled on this day is you. Your maniacal driving is a threat not just to me, but to other poor defenseless pedestrians who could be run over and disfigured or killed in your haste to get to the pub.”

“I’ll have you know I am as sober as your mother. Oh, how silly of me. Everyone knows your mother is drunken sot.”

“How dare you speak of my mother that way. She is a saint who resides in heaven. When I am finished with you, I will pray to her and ask her to wave at your ancestors who are most certainly burning in hell.”

“Your insolence cannot stand. I have in my hand my cane, which I will now use to teach you lesson in civility and good manners, since you have demonstrated you possess neither.”

“My answer is this umbrella. Its intended use is to protect one from rain, but I will now use it to protect society from a mindless brute intent on murder and mayhem.”

“En Garde!”

“En Garde!”