Tuesday, May 19, 2015

A Biker Brawl in Victorian England

Location: The Boar’s Tail Pub, Knightsbridge, London, 1895

Setting: A dozen members of the Weston Gentlemen’s Bicycling Association are enjoying pints of ale in a corner of the pub. Four bicyclists from the Brickstone Riding and Touring Club enter the pub and order drinks. Charles Twittenstraw, a member of the former group, approaches the table of the pub’s newest patrons and addresses William Cockswoon.

Charles

Well, a good day to you, Gentlemen.

William

And to you, Sir. A fine day.

Charles

Indeed it is. Indeed. I’ve not had the pleasure of seeing you or your companions in here before.

William

Quite true. Our club is located in Brentford and we are touring west through the city. Lovely area, here.

Charles

Yes, it is. We are very proud of our little corner of London, and it is always dismaying to have its beauty despoiled by those of inferior character.

William

Of course. And if we see such louts, we will alert you immediately.

Charles

I was referring to you, Sir. This pub, this area of the city, is reserved solely for the riding enjoyment of the Weston Gentlemen’s Bicycling Association.

William

A jolly good jest. (Turns to his mates) If nothing else, the residents of Knightsbridge are entertaining.

Charles

It was not intended to be entertaining. You and your little band of sparrows should fly away now, if you have any common sense and regard for your own safety.

William

Ah, my safety. Pray tell, what brand of bicycle does your “association” prefer?

Charles

Only the finest two-wheel machine in existence: The Schwinn.

William

(Laughing with his companions) The Schwinn. No true bicyclists would be caught dead riding a Schwinn when the far superior Raleigh is available.

Charles

The only Raleigh riders I know are elderly women and circus animals.

William

(Standing) I’d hold my tongue if I were you. And I’m surprised you’re pathetic Schwinn is able to roll forward without collapsing under your formidable weight.

Charles

Doesn’t every Raleigh come with a pair of bloomers?

William

(As the two groups converge) The only bloomers I have are the ones I took off of your wife last night.

Charles

I’d be insulted if I thought my wife ignorant enough to fornicate with a feeble minded Raleigh rider.

William

Of course you’re right. It wasn’t your wife. It was your mother.


(And…fisticuffs ensued.)

No comments: