Location: The Boar’s Tail Pub, Knightsbridge, London, 1895
Setting: A dozen members of the Weston Gentlemen’s Bicycling
Association are enjoying pints of ale in a corner of the pub. Four bicyclists
from the Brickstone Riding and Touring Club enter the pub and order drinks.
Charles Twittenstraw, a member of the former group, approaches the table of the
pub’s newest patrons and addresses William Cockswoon.
Charles
Well, a good day to
you, Gentlemen.
William
And to you, Sir. A
fine day.
Charles
Indeed it is. Indeed.
I’ve not had the pleasure of seeing you or your companions in here before.
William
Quite true. Our club
is located in Brentford and we are touring west through the city. Lovely area,
here.
Charles
Yes, it is. We are
very proud of our little corner of London, and it is always dismaying to have
its beauty despoiled by those of inferior character.
William
Of course. And if we
see such louts, we will alert you immediately.
Charles
I was referring to
you, Sir. This pub, this area of the city, is reserved solely for the riding enjoyment
of the Weston Gentlemen’s Bicycling Association.
William
A jolly good jest. (Turns
to his mates) If nothing else, the residents of Knightsbridge are entertaining.
Charles
It was not intended
to be entertaining. You and your little band of sparrows should fly away now,
if you have any common sense and regard for your own safety.
William
Ah, my safety. Pray
tell, what brand of bicycle does your “association” prefer?
Charles
Only the finest
two-wheel machine in existence: The Schwinn.
William
(Laughing with his
companions) The Schwinn. No true bicyclists would be caught dead riding a
Schwinn when the far superior Raleigh is available.
Charles
The only Raleigh
riders I know are elderly women and circus animals.
William
(Standing) I’d hold
my tongue if I were you. And I’m surprised you’re pathetic Schwinn is able to
roll forward without collapsing under your formidable weight.
Charles
Doesn’t every Raleigh
come with a pair of bloomers?
William
(As the two groups
converge) The only bloomers I have are the ones I took off of your wife last
night.
Charles
I’d be insulted if I
thought my wife ignorant enough to fornicate with a feeble minded Raleigh
rider.
William
Of course you’re
right. It wasn’t your wife. It was your mother.
(And…fisticuffs
ensued.)
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