Monday, April 27, 2015

A Road Rage Incident in Victorian England

“My good man, I must inform you that your driving skills are wholly inadequate.”

“Dear sir, since we have not had the pleasure of meeting before, I excuse you for not knowing that I am, in fact, an excellent carriage captain.”

“It may be true that on some other day at some other time you are a skilled driver, but that day and time is not today. Your vehicle veered into my path.”

“I must assume that you have left your spectacles on your bedside table, My Good Man, otherwise you would have seen that I clearly signaled my intentions to merge.”

“Ha. No one would require spectacles to see something that was not there. And where, pray tell, did you purchase your driving certificate? Ye Olde Shoppe of Forged Documents?”

“You are testing my patience, Sir. If a constable were within shouting distance, I would insist that he arrest you for your insulting and boorish behavior.”

“Arrest me? Arrest me? The only one who should be shackled on this day is you. Your maniacal driving is a threat not just to me, but to other poor defenseless pedestrians who could be run over and disfigured or killed in your haste to get to the pub.”

“I’ll have you know I am as sober as your mother. Oh, how silly of me. Everyone knows your mother is drunken sot.”

“How dare you speak of my mother that way. She is a saint who resides in heaven. When I am finished with you, I will pray to her and ask her to wave at your ancestors who are most certainly burning in hell.”

“Your insolence cannot stand. I have in my hand my cane, which I will now use to teach you lesson in civility and good manners, since you have demonstrated you possess neither.”

“My answer is this umbrella. Its intended use is to protect one from rain, but I will now use it to protect society from a mindless brute intent on murder and mayhem.”

“En Garde!”

“En Garde!”

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