My administration sources are so sensitive I’d have to kill myself if I even thought of their names. But the Insiders are in my debt for services rendered (neither knee pads nor lard was involved), so information comes my way from time to time that is of political interest to my faithful reader. However, the latest document to reach my desk from the Insiders rises far above the level of “interesting” into the realm of “bombshell.” I couldn’t believe what I was reading when I first glanced through the material, but I was given corroborating evidence that confirms the authenticity of the document. I am positive you will be no less shocked by this than I was. What you will read is a partial transcript of a recording made by someone in the President's hotel suite the evening following the first debate between John Kerry and George Bush. The quality was less than perfect, but the content is priceless.
[Bustling noise. Muffled voices. Doors opening and closing]
Bush: Okay, everyone sit. Who wants to get their ass kicked first?
Unknown: Sir, I—
Bush: Shut up. I looked like a prairie chicken with a goddamn egg stuck up her ass out there.
Cheney: Calm down, George. You did fine.
Bush: Fine my ass. I…Homer Simpson could have done better. Where’s Pritchard? The answers weren’t coming fast enough, goddamn it. I had to stand there like a doe in the headlights waiting for my lines from Pritchard. Where the hell is he anyway?
Rove: Pritchard had the sudden desire to be reassigned to the grounds maintenance crew at the US Consulate in Yemen.
Bush: [agitated] This is no joke. You understand? I got reamed by Kerry.
Cheney: You didn’t get reamed. George, you did great. You stayed on message, you looked strong, resolute….
Bush: Strong? I looked strong?
[unknown]: Sir, you have a call from the First Lady. Something about the Twins and posting bail…
Bush: Jesus Christ on a crutch. That’s all I need right now. Tell her I’ll call her back in twenty minutes. Karl, how we gonna spin this thing?
Rove: We say you won, of course. I’ve already had the releases sent out. Kerry flip-flopped as predicted, you stood firm and resolute. America needs firm leadership. Blah, blah, blah.
Bush: I am so tired of this broken record. When the hell can I say something else?
Cheney: George, you know the problems we have when you…say things.
Bush: Oh yeah? Listen, I think if I’d been able to say what was on my mind tonight, I woulda done a whole lot better. [pause] What are you smirking about, Paul?
Wolfowitz: Nothing, Mr. President…a little gas.
Bush: Gas my ass… [muffled chuckles] What’s so damned funny?
[unknown voices] Nothing, Sir. Not a thing….
Bush: Everyone thinks this is all one big joke. Well, it’s not. I got my butt kicked. I just wish I could challenge Kerry to a knife fight or something. [pause] Who…Powell? You snickering over there?
Powell: No Sir. Just clearing my throat.
Bush: Next person who snickers or laughs is going to join Pritchard in Yemini.
Powell: The country is Yemen. People who live there are Yemenis.
Bush: I don’t give a flying fuck if they’re Yemens, Yeminis or Yemenistas. What the hell—
Cheney: We need to focus here, people. How are we going to make a stronger impact in the next debate?
Bush: Look. I’ll pull up my coat nice and slow like this and give that cocksucker a peek at my Glock. It’ll scare the shit out of him…Mr. War Hero….
[unknown, sarcastic] Oh, that’ll work.
Bush: [angrily] Huh? Who said that? You bein’ smart? [movement in the room] You think…you think I won’t use it?
Cheney: George, put away the gun.
Powell: Jesus, Mr. President…
Bush: No, this little punk doesn’t think I have the guts to whip this baby out… [rustling] Hey, what do you think now? Huh, tough guy?
Cheney: [sharply] George. Let go of Aaron and put that thing away.
Bush: Ooh. Big man, Aaron. Who’s your daddy? Huh? [more rustling] Next time you keep your big mouth shut, punk.
Rove: George, did you take your meds today?
Bush: Hell, I don’t know. That felt good, though. Got the adrenaline pumping… Somebody get me a Jack Daniels. What are you smiling at?
[end of transcription]